People Who Quietly Drift Toward Divorce Tend To Do These 9 Things, According To Experts
Divorce doesn't just surprise you; it creeps up slowly over time.
Angelina Bishep | Unsplash Married people choose to divorce for many reasons. Sometimes, they simply grow apart over time. Others may develop irreconcilable differences about ... well, about a lot of things. Others might be victims of abuse, physical or emotional. Or the atmosphere at home can become so tense that even a simple miscommunication can launch a battle royale of shouted insults.
Divorce can be caused by the frivolous (he hated the movie Frozen) or the serious (she had never watched Star Wars). Money, kids, in-laws, dishonesty, boredom ... anything that creates major conflict can trigger a split if the bond proves tenuous.
And then there is the catch-all cause: infidelity. Research and statistics on divorce can vary depending on the source and methodology used. However, these are some of the most frequently cited causes for divorce, beyond the issue of infidelity. To gain a deeper understanding of what might lead to divorce (besides the discovery of an extra-marital affair), we asked a panel of YourTango Experts to share the causes of divorce, other than infidelity.
People who quietly drift toward divorce tend to do these things:
1. They feel contempt for each other
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As a clinical psychologist, one of the biggest relationship red flags I see in couples who may be headed for divorce is contempt for one another. Contempt is an extreme disregard for your partner’s value as a person coming from a place of superiority.
It signals perhaps the most problematic and dysfunctional aspects of romantic relationships because it expresses a sentiment that one partner is superior to the other. And it is easily seen in their interactions and communication.
For example, people who hold contempt for their partner will belittle them, put them down, and even intentionally say mean things to make them feel bad.
—Dr. Cortney Warren, board-certified clinical psychologist, adjunct psychologist, UNLV School of Medicine
2. They have divergent parenting philosophies
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When couples have different parenting styles, it can result in divorce and the children may feel like they are to blame for the separation. So, discuss how you want to raise your children before you become parents!
—Dr. Ava Cadell, love and relationship coach
3. They were never compatible in the first place
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It might be that you were a mismatch from the start, or one or both of you are a child of divorced parents. You might also never have sat down together and planned your life, or you never had any happy marriage training at school or church.
Without knowing it, you might be exactly like your unhappy parents. Finally, it might be that you went to a marriage counselor who asked, "What's wrong with your marriage?" instead of "What's right with your marriage?"
—Jack Kinney, owner, Jack Kinney & Associates LLC
4. They stopped having fun
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People tend to get married and reduce the amount of effort. They are putting into the relationship. Perhaps they stop going to the gym, stop doing date nights, or stop wearing skimpy clothing around the house.
We need to keep courting our partner. Have fun with it. Flirt and tease. Try new things together. When the relationship is no longer new, it is up to you to fuel it with new things.
—Erika Jordan, love coach, NLP
5. They stopped communicating
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Bad communication. When a spouse cuts you off in conversation and doesn't genuinely listen, all communication can break down — as can the marriage.
—Marla Martenson, matchmaker, and transformational coach
6. They lost intimacy and connection
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Outside of infidelity some of the biggest symptoms to divorce stem from a lack of intimacy with the couple. This comes from not giving the attention to each other that is required to keep a relationship thriving and growing.
We see this through surface-level communication, a need to be right instead of coming together — drifting apart in values and life goals.
The next piece is focused on the lack of connection, which is built through laughter and playfulness, seduction, and a focus on investing conscious time together without interruption and making out like teenagers consistently. And then a lack of appreciation for each other is another big issue that leads to divorce. When couples stop being respectful, polite, and validating to each other it causes more challenges than you can imagine.
—Rene Schooler, relationship, love and intimacy master coach
7. There is constant arguing or physical abuse
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In addition to infidelity, several marital actions lead to divorce. A couple of major ones are frequent arguing and domestic violence. These two go hand-in-hand, in that one often can lead to the other, and both are massively destructive, often resulting in separation and divorce. Frequent arguing displays a lack of respect, understanding, and dangerous power dynamics.
Levels of resentment and anger that are held inside eventually rise to the surface. When they become outwardly aggressive, this can create an unsafe and unstable environment for both partners. At that point, the circumstances become violent, causing both physical and emotional harm to the living situation for both partners, and any children involved require a change.
—Larry Michel, love shepherd and founder, Institute of Genetic Energetics
8. They disagree about money
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Partners can be irrevocably divided over decisions to relocate, different lifestyle choices, disagreement about child rearing, and other monetary concerns.
—Dr. Liz Zed, coach and counselor
Financial conflicts are not just frequent, but also among the most detrimental, leading to increased stress, resentment, and ultimately, a higher likelihood of divorce. Studies revealed that arguments about money are a significant predictor of divorce, even when controlling for other factors like overall financial well-being.
9. They can't overcome contempt
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Contempt erodes the bond that holds a couple securely together. It is known to be the biggest predictor of divorce, and conveys, “I’m better than you. I don’t respect you.”
John Gottman’s 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' are frequently referenced for their ability to predict the demise (and possible redemption) of a marriage. These include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Their research suggests that by the time you get to the point of feeling contempt for your spouse, your marriage has already taken a turn for the worse.
Contempt is so destructive that couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illness than couples who are not contemptuous of each other. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless — a recipe for divorce. The antidote lies in building fondness and admiration.
—Eva Van Prooyen, marriage and family therapist, relationship specialist
Carter Gaddis is a writer and editor who spent 24 years as an award-winning sportswriter for newspapers in Florida and for various online publications, including ESPN, Parenting Magazine, and the St. Petersburg Times.
