Happy Couples Who Divorce As They Get Older Do So For These 10 Reasons
Why the happiest long-term couples secretly never were.
AzmanL | Canva How many marriages end in divorce? The numbers vary. While the previously accepted statistic was that 40 to 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, according to the CDC in 2021, the divorce rate was around 2.5 per 1,000 population, lowering that number to an estimated 39% percent.
While many people might point to cheating as one of the leading causes of divorce, they've got it all wrong. We polled over 100 YourTango experts to see what they say are the top reasons long-term married couples decide to split, and, believe it or not, communication problems came out on top as the number one reason. There are plenty of other reasons why marriages fail later in life, and why so many couples divorce as they age. Here are some other culprits to blame for the divorce rate.
Happy couples who divorce as they get older do so for these reasons:
1. Ignoring problems that were there from the beginning
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What about when you marry because it's what you think you should do? Many divorced women say the problems that made them leave were there right from the beginning.
Women said they felt compelled to continue because "everyone expected us to live happily ever after" or "we had already spent so much money on the wedding" or "we had just built our dream home." So, remember, until you say "I do," you always have the choice to say "I don't!"
2. Loss of individual identities
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A codependent relationship is not healthy. When you don't have your interests or the opportunity to express yourself outside of coupledom, you become "couple dumb."
If you are not comfortable doing things without your partner, or you don't know what kind of music, movies, or food you used to like before they came around, you are likely in deep and you probably feel like you are drowning and don't know why.
Therapist Chelli Pumphrey explained, "A relationship requires a blending of lifestyles, compromise, and a lot of shared time together, but there should still be a maintenance of your own life." This requires one or both of you to remain authentic to who you were before you met.
3. Prioritizing parental duties over the marriage
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Just as many couples "forget" their single friends and single ways when they get married, when you add children into the mix, most parents neglect or completely forget that they are a couple.
As children grow and need less attention, many husbands and wives find that they have grown apart and they can't remember why they ever got married in the first place, because they no longer have anything in common.
4. One or both partners changed significantly after getting married
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"Everything changed when we got married!" He drives you crazy because you're a saver and he's a spender. Your idea of a weekend getaway is a cozy cottage in the woods; your partner wants to hit the town and catch a game. He thinks it's your job to cook and clean, but you disagree.
A situation in which a couple no longer shares a common understanding or aspiration for their future means they have significantly different goals, values, or desires for their life as a married pair. A 2020 study published in Health Psychology found that when couples once aligned on important life aspects like family planning, career paths, lifestyle choices, and values but now see themselves heading in different directions, it indicates a loss of shared vision.
Why didn't he mention these things before? Maybe you should have asked. Chances are that he hasn't changed — your expectations did. Is it possible to survive major differences in philosophy? It is possible, but many do not.
5. Little to no interest in physical intimacy
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Somewhere in a marriage, there is a subtle change in the intimacy department. Then there's the idea that he isn't as romantic or she isn't as intimate.
This subtle change can trigger a downward spiral in the intimacy department. Men generally need receptivity to feel romantic and women generally need romance to be receptive. As long as both people are getting what they need, they willingly provide what the other person wants.
But when there is a lessening on either's part, that can trigger a pulling back in the other. If gone unnoticed and unchecked, before the couple realizes it, they are seriously intimately estranged and wonder what happened. This can lead to divorce as couples begin to feel unloved and unappreciated.
A 2020 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships showed that couples with more affectionate touch report greater happiness and more substantial relationship stability. Open communication about physical intimacy is crucial to address concerns and ensure both partners feel adequately loved and supported.
Couples who don't maintain an intimate connection through both intimate and non-intimate actions are destined to become virtual strangers.
6. Unmet or unrealistic expectations
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Somewhere written into a human's genetic code lies the expectation that when a person isn't happy, he or she is supposed to force his/her significant other to make the changes required to make the unhappy person happy again. This usually takes the form of complaining, blaming, criticizing, nagging, threatening, punishing, and/or bribing.
Relationship and spiritual coach Sarah Neal shared that unrealistic expectations kill relationships. "Our expectations may not line up all the way, which is why conversations centering around expectations need to happen. We may find that we need to adjust our expectations."
When one or both people in the marriage are attempting to coerce each other into doing things they don't want to do for their partner's happiness, it is a recipe for disaster.
When you are unhappy in a relationship, it's okay to ask for the change you want. But if your partner doesn't oblige you, then you become responsible for your happiness.
7. Lack of financial compability
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It's not usually the lack of finances that causes the divorce, but the lack of compatibility in the financial arena. Opposites can attract but when two people are opposites in the financial department, divorce often ensues.
Imagine the conflict if one is focused on the future while the other believes in living for today. One has no problem buying on credit, while the other believes in saving up for what one wants. Over time, this conflict can reach such heights that divorce seems to be the only logical conclusion.
9. Lack of shared interests
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Having shared interests and exploring them together is essential for a successful marriage. Of course, having "me time" is important as well, but unless you can find common passions and look for ways to experience them together, you'll inevitably grow farther and farther apart.
10. Lack of healthy communication when problems arise
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Every couple has disagreements. The key is to develop ground rules so that each partner feels respected and heard.
Researchers like John Gottman have highlighted the detrimental effects of negative communication patterns like criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling during arguments, which can significantly predict marital instability.
A 2013 study indicated that constant fighting in a marriage can dramatically damage the relationship, leading to decreased intimacy, lower marital satisfaction, increased stress levels, and even an elevated risk of divorce.
Sometimes it takes a third-party "referee" to help define those rules and teach us to move through the charged emotions so resentments don't linger.
Deborah Roth is a career/life transition coach, relationship coach, and interfaith minister with over 35 years of experience coaching, training, and speaking.
Kim Olver is a licensed counselor, certified coach, speaker, and award-winning, best-selling author. Over the years, she has taught thousands of people Glasser's Choice Theory concepts.
Lisa L. Payne is a life transitions coach, motivational speaker, and author of the book, What If They Knew? Secrets of an Impressive Woman.