7 Reasons So Many Good Men Stay In Relationships That Don't Make Them Happy
Breaking up is hard to do, but if it's the right thing, it must be done.
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So many of my male clients come to me because they want to break up with their girlfriend. They are clear she isn’t the right one for them, but still find it impossible to take action and initiate the break-up. This happens quite often with good guys who want to make the right decision.
While every relationship is different, they often carry common denominators that often make good men stay in relationships where they're unhappy. While these are also reasons some women stay, this pattern is common among men, especially otherwise good guys.
Why so many men stay in relationships that don't make them happy
1. They don’t want to cause her pain
Most men are concerned about hurting a woman, particularly one they have been emotionally involved with. As a result, they go out of their way to not cause a woman pain. And this, I am afraid, only makes things worse.
Be honest, guys. Do you know you should break up with your girlfriend, but you don’t want to hurt her, so, instead, you pull back a little.
- Are you not focusing the time and energy on her you used to?
- Are you not being as affectionate and maybe even being distant?
- Are you, perhaps, hoping she will be the one who ultimately breaks up with you?
You are not alone. A lot of men do this. But doing this will only cause your girlfriend more pain. Instead of ripping off the bandaid and causing a quick burst of intense pain, you are pulling it off gradually to drag out the pain and make her suffer more. Ironic, no?
The reality is if you break up with your girlfriend, yes, you will most likely hurt her. Break ups hurt. But she will get over it. She might suffer for a bit but, in time, she will be fine. And, because you had the strength to let her go, she will have the opportunity to find someone who loves her and wants to live happily ever after with her.
2. The good times were really good times
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If you've been with someone a while, you are guaranteed to have experienced good times together, and those things are hard to let go of, as suggested by research in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. But that doesn't mean a guy should stick around when he's miserable.
But, guys, let's be honest before breaking up: When you think about the beginning of your relationship, when things were fresh and new, you shared so much of yourself. Maybe one reason you're holding back from breaking up is that you know there is more you could do to make it better.
But if it's just that you remember a vacation you took, or that silly thing she did to make everyone laugh at your birthday party, it simply isn't enough.
While these experiences were wonderful, they are in the past. They are over. Even if you stay together, they most likely won’t happen again because you are in a different place in your relationship, namely you don’t love her anymore.
So, while you have had some very special times, they are no reason to hold on to her. Set her free so she can have new experiences with someone who loves her.
3. They don’t want to have to start dating again (and don't want her to, either)
So many people stay with someone who isn’t the right person because they don’t want to get back in the dating world. The dating world is not always fun, and it's exhausting. The thought of building another profile page for Hinge is just too much to bear. Even worse? They don't want to see their ex out there!
Furthermore, you have invested time and energy into this relationship, time and energy you don’t want to have wasted. Time and energy you will have to spend building a new relationship.
Guys, I know it's hard to throw away time invested in someone, but the time you have spent is a sunk cost. You spent it and it's done. Time invested should never be a reason to stay with someone, and any more time you spend with someone who you have no future with is time wasted.
You probably don’t want her to start dating either. Even if you don’t love her, the idea of her being with someone else might not be very appealing.
Again, this is no reason to stay with someone. You are being incredibly selfish if you are staying with her for any reason other than you are madly in love with her.
4. They love how she takes care of them
One of my male clients knows it’s time to break up with his girlfriend. He likes her and cares about her, but she isn’t the one for him. What she is, however, is an excellent caregiver.
One thing about women? Many of us love, love to take care of other people, often to a fault, as explored by an APA study. And many men appreciate being taken care of.
With my boyfriend, I do the laundry, cook dinner, keep the house tidy, plan our social life, etc, etc. I am not saying he sits around on the couch watching me hustle. He does some of the chores sometimes but, in general, it's on me. That's OK. I like doing things for him (and doing them my way, to be fair).
If it was time to break up with me, my boyfriend would take into consideration what it would be like to start having to do all of those things for himself. Probably not an attractive proposition, I am guessing.
Guys, are you having a hard time breaking up with your girlfriend in part because she takes such good care of you? If yes, you are going to have to suck it up, I am afraid, and start taking care of yourself again. Or, start taking better care of yourself and let her off the hook. You might see your entire relationship improve!
5. They like easy access to love and affection
You might be rolling your eyes at this one, but I am guessing deep down, most people know what I am saying is the truth. Having a girlfriend means you have easy access to physical intimacy. And that is something not easy to let go.
Men, be honest. Even if you don’t love your girlfriend, I am guessing you enjoy being intimate with her. And the idea of not having someone in your bed who is happy to be with you is not appealing.
For a lot of men, physical intimacy is important and not always as easy to get as they might like. The idea of having to work harder for something so important that he can get easily now is not appealing.
Are you staying with your girlfriend because of the intimacy? If you are, do her a favor. Let her go.
6. They are worried about messing up their social lives
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One of my male clients was concerned about breaking up with his girlfriend because of their weekly softball games. They had played in the same league for a few years and had first met doing so.
My client is worried it might be “weird.” He is worried there will be drama and people will have to take sides in the breakup. He is worried one of them, namely him, will have to leave the league and his friends. He likes things the way they are and messing up his weekly softball game is not something he wants to do.
An article in the Journal of Urban Health explained how our social lives are very important and a key part of living a great life and losing that is a valid fear. But, staying with someone who you don’t love because you are worried about your softball game isn’t fair to anyone. It’s not fair to your girl and it’s not fair to your team. After all, if there is any tension between you and your girl, it will affect the team as a whole.
Of course, this isn’t just about softball. Couples have social lives that are important to them. Breaking up with someone threatens the health of that carefully constructed social life is very scary.
7. Their friends and family love her
This is a tough one, if someone's friends and family love their partner it can be incredibly hard to let that partner go, even if you aren’t feeling it.
I am guessing if you are thinking about breaking up with your girlfriend and are consulting those friends and family members, they are telling you not to do it. She is a wonderful person and you are lucky to have her and to not mess things up, and that is messing with your head.
Or, perhaps her friends and family love you and they are important to you and you don’t want to let them down. The idea of losing them as friends, of letting them down, of not being a part of their circle might be a really sad thing.
Unfortunately, this is what happens in relationships. People outside of the relationship get emotionally involved, as shown by a study in Interpersona Journal. When something goes wrong, they have feelings about it. What I can tell you is that staying with a girlfriend you don’t love because your mom is telling you not to is a bad idea.
Your mom will be sad about your breakup but she will get over it. Your girlfriend, if you are with her for the wrong reasons, won’t.
8. They don’t want to deal with the drama
Guys haven't been as conditioned to handle emotional volatility as well as women have. They are often taught to repress their sadness, vulnerability and fear, which makes facing heartbreak much harder.
Guys, you can handle big emotions just like we can and you'll need to toughen up on this front if you want to treat her fairly.
- Are you scared of breaking up with your girlfriend because you don’t want the drama?
- Does the idea of telling your girlfriend that you want out and seeing her eyes well up with tears feel like a stab in the heart?
- Does the idea of having to rehash, again, what has happened in your relationship fill you with dread?
If you are feeling any of these things, you are not alone. Every single man who I have ever met would rather pull his fingernails out one by one than have to deal with the drama of a break up. It might seem easier to just stay in the relationship, even if they are unhappy, instead of having to deal with tears and recriminations and processing over and over.
Is this you? Are you scared of the drama and doing everything you can to avoid it? Well suck it up. Tell your girlfriend that you need to break up with her. Yes, there might be a bit of drama but it won’t kill you. It might be uncomfortable but it will pass. Your girlfriend will be fine and life will go on.
9. Their lives are entangled
The thing about relationships is that they can be complicated. The longer couples are together, the more their lives become entangled.
Ask yourself:
- Do you and your girlfriend share a home? A dog? Kids? Friends? Finances?
- Does the idea of having to figure out how to disentangle these things fill you with dread?
- Does the idea of having to find a new place, or deal with custody of kids, or dogs, or trying to figure out how to get out of the relationship with your finances intact seem impossible?
Probably, yes. And I get it. Break ups are messy.
But just because you and your girlfriend share elements of your life isn’t a reason to stay. Things might be complicated but they will get worked out and life will go on. If you stay in this relationship, it will only get more complicated to leave, and before you know it, you could be permanently stuck.
Don’t stay because of things or money. Only stay because you love your person madly!
I know the position you are in right now is beyond horrible. You had hoped that she would be the one and that you would never have to go through a break up again. Unfortunately, the relationship was not meant to be and it's time to move on.
So, suck it up. Be honest with your girlfriend. Let both of you get on with your lives and find the love that you want. You can do it!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.