5 Unique Traits Of Men Who Heal From Breakups And Learn From Their Past Mistakes
It's hard for everyone to get over heartbreak, but men are often deprived of key tools to heal.
Brooke Cagle | Unsplash Too often, in our society, guys going through a breakup often have no idea how to get through it in a healthy way. They may struggle to know what they need, how to express their feelings, or even if they can talk to someone about their pain. But there are some men who do heal from their breakups and learn from past mistakes.
Women, by nature, are emotional and tend to process breakups in a way where they can get past them and move on. Often, men have not been taught how to process emotions. In fact, research out of Vanderbilt University indicates men even have a different "emotion culture" than women. As a result, they can get stalled out or struggle with their feelings.
But it doesn't have to be that way. Learning how men can heal and learn can help men feel better — and can help women know which men are ready for a new, healthy relationship.
Five traits of guys who heal themselves and learn from past mistakes
1. They take time to feel the pain
I can’t tell you how many songs I've heard over the years about men going through a breakup. How they do so with whiskey and women, the ultimate self-medication tools.
“The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else,” is the prevailing wisdom I hear from many of my male friends.
While getting with someone else will make you feel better in the moment, it’s just a temporary fix. Women and whiskey will make you feel awesome in the short term, but the morning after will be harsh.
Not only will you not feel better about your place in the world, but you'll most likely feel worse than you did before!
If you're going through a breakup and struggling, let yourself feel the pain. Yes, pain is uncomfortable and even scary, but you must let it in, feel it, and let it go.
A study in the Personality and Individual Differences Journal shows how if you stuff it down, it'll just get stuck in your body. Bottled and ignored emotions make you spend your time depressed and angry at the one who let you go.
I know the prospect seems scary, but feeling the pain of a broken heart, while horrible, is no worse than the pain of a damaged limb. With treatment, you'll get past it.
How many times have you hurt your body over the years? Every time, you've healed. This will heal, too.
So, for guys going through a breakup, though pain might be uncomfortable if you feel it instead of burying it, it will pass.
2. They are decisive
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So, you've just broken up with your ex, or they've broken up with you. How are you feeling? Alone? Scared for the future? Bored? If you're feeling any of those things, do not reach out to your ex. Period.
Often after a breakup, one or both of the partners start to feel lonely. They have been in a relationship and enjoyed having someone to play with, and the breakup creates a void.
You're left with more time on your hands and get bored. Or, if we go long enough without, you might want physical intimacy and seek out a willing and vetted partner.
When you follow your instinct on any of those things and reach out to your ex, unless you truly want to reunite with them, you'll just create more of a mess than already exists.
Instead of the clean break you had, you'll get on a cycle of more talks and recrimination and pain.
So, if you're tempted to reach out for any reason other than a true reconciliation, don’t. It will only bring up all the pain again and prevent you from moving on.
3. They take responsibility
If you're in pain, it's normal to blame someone else. Especially if you know you're wrong.
Human beings have a hard time taking a good, hard look at themselves and truly accepting responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship.
You don't need to take all the responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship but do take stock and see where you might have contributed to what happened.
- Did you perhaps put them second some of the time?
- Were you short-tempered when they interrupted a game?
- Did you consistently ignore what they asked you to do?
- What were you not so good at that might have led to the end?
It's important to take stock of your role in a breakup so you can learn from it. Instead of bringing unhealthy behaviors into a new relationship, make an effort to identify yours and set out to change.
Relationship coach Janet Ong Zimmerman explored this idea, "A study in the Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy suggests how having true and lasting love takes the courage to make changes from within, the focus to stay the course, and the strength to say "no" to people and things that aren't good for you. It means letting go of baggage that no longer serves you and being open to good people you normally wouldn't be interested in."
If you don’t change your patterns, you'll be destined to repeat the same mistakes and ultimately end up alone and unhappy.
4. They open up
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This might be the hardest thing for guys going through a breakup to do: Find someone to talk to and be open and honest with them.
Men have, through the ages, been taught to keep their feelings inside because sharing their emotions makes them seem weak. As a result, men tend to bottle up their emotions, never to see the light of day and fester and rot.
When you're struggling with a breakup, it’s important to find one person who can help you process what you're going through, one person who can listen to you, share perspectives, and help you see what went wrong and perhaps what you can do differently in the future.
If you have a friend who can play the role, use them. If not, find a life coach who can help you process what you're feeling.
5. They take it slow
Jumping from one relationship to another is a recipe for disaster. And if you start to physically bond with random people, it could get even worse.
If you hop into another relationship without processing and getting over your past relationship, you'll simply bring all of your issues with you into your new one, dooming it for failure.
Not only will you cause more pain for yourself, but you'll also cause pain to another person.
If you decide to hop into bed with lots of random people, you'll only use them as a bandage for your broken heart. In reality, you'll emerge from those trysts feeling empty and worse about yourself.
And, once again, you'll cause other people pain.
As much as the instinct is there to either sleep with someone or get into another relationship, pause and do some of the things listed above. I know you're feeling sad, lonely, and eager to pair up again. But if you do it too quickly, you'll be doomed to repeat the same mistakes and ultimately be alone.
"Instead of trying to muscle through and act tough, allow yourself to feel all the icky feelings that come up. Guilt, shame, rage — allow these feelings to move through you. Book yourself some time to mourn and if you don’t feel like it when the time comes, use music to inspire you to feel," suggests dating coaches Orna & Matthew Walters.
The Walters continue, "When you consciously choose to feel your feelings, instead of just wallowing in them, you bring attention to that part of you that's hurting. Give yourself a time limit and do nothing else while you're feeling and expressing."
Guys going through a breakup sometimes resemble a deer in the headlights — knowing they're in danger but having no idea how to get through it.
Men have it in them to get through a broken heart and thrive, but many of them struggle with how to do it.
I know you feel horrible right now, but with some patience and a little bit of work, not only will the pain go away, but you'll be in the right place to move forward and find the happiness you've always longed for!
You can do it!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.