6 Little Things Men Do That Make Women Not Trust Them
They think they're doing the right thing, but they drive women away.
dimaberlinphotos | Canva Trust is such a vital aspect of a relationship, and unfortunately, trust can easily be broken. Sometimes, it is obvious why it was broken, but trust can also be broken by more surprising things, even the best of intentions can break trust.
This seems to be happening especially for men, so understanding how not to break her trust is the best way to keep your relationship strong.
Here are 6 little things men do that make women not trust them
1. Being the 'protector'
Men have an instinct to “protect” women. It goes back to the beginning of humankind — the masculine desire to take care of those put in their care. Sometimes, by trying to protect a woman, men do things that get them in trouble.
What kind of things?
- How about telling a lie because you don’t want to upset them?
- How about keeping something from them that makes you look bad?
- How about not sharing information about extended family and holidays?
- How about not sharing the finances?
- How about only telling them little pieces of the truth because the whole truth might cause drama?
Perhaps you are thinking all of these things aren’t so bad, and all of them will keep upset and drama levels low, and that's a good thing, right? Unfortunately, no.
If a man does any of these things, his partner will know. Either her intuition will tell her he is hiding something, or she will catch him outright. As a result, she will lose trust in him.
Even if he was trying to do something he thought would protect her and would benefit their relationship, it could still lead to broken trust. So, be honest with her at all times. Don’t try to protect her — it will only backfire in the end.
2. Not following up/dropping the ball
This is a big one, and many men just don’t understand it. So listen to me here. For many women, the number one reason they don’t trust men is because they say they will do something and then don’t.
To be fair, sometimes men simply forget to do something they have promised to do. When they forget, they should get a pass (unless they do it over and over and over).
Sometimes, men, to prevent drama, say they are going to do something with absolutely no intentions of doing it. They don’t want to do it and perhaps think it's a waste of time, but they know their partner wants them to do it, so they agree.
Other times, men fully intend to do something but put it on the back burner, doing simpler things or things they prefer to do instead, as suggested by a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
For whatever reason, a man doesn’t do what he said he would do. And that, I am afraid, only kills trust.
Imagine if you were at work and you asked a co-worker to get something done, they agreed and then didn’t. It impacted the project you were working on and made things more difficult going forward. Would you trust your co-worker to do the next thing you asked them to do? Or would you find someone else to do it, knowing you couldn’t have confidence your other co-worker would get it done?
The same thing happens in relationships. If she asks him to do something and there is an agreement, it will get done, and then it doesn’t, trust can be shattered. After all, you are a team. How can you be in a relationship with someone you can’t have faith in?
So, make an effort to always do what you say you are going to do, and be honest if you can’t or don’t want to!
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3. Hiding their phone
This one is pretty obvious, but it is something that needs to be said. When men hide their phones, it can destroy trust in a relationship since this action is high on the list of signs of infidelity as demonstrated by a report in Surveillance Studies Network Journal.
Sometimes, people keep their phones to themselves for whatever reason, but more often than not, restricting a partner's access to your phone means you are hiding something. And that will kill trust.
I know for many couples, it is a milestone when they share each other’s passwords. In this day and age, it’s the ultimate proof they want to be in this relationship, and sharing their password demonstrates they love and trust each other.
So, make your phone accessible to your partner. That way, she knows you have nothing to hide.
4. Being purposefully vague
Again, sometimes it is surprising what can cause a woman to lose faith in a man, and vagueness is one of them.
For most women, as I am sure many men know, the truth is in the details. She tends to notice everything and likes to share what she notices in detail. Most men, not so much.
How many times has she asked you for more information about something only for you to not have the details she wants you to have? Probably more than once.
To be fair, this is a human trait — not remembering details — but being vague repeatedly or in certain situations can cause a woman to pause and wonder if she can trust you.
Much like trying to protect someone, make sure you aren’t vague with her about something you should be direct about. Yes, it might be uncomfortable, but it will save you a lot of angst in the long run.
5. Continuing to do what they promised they wouldn’t
At the beginning of this article, I recommend always doing what you say you are going to do. This one is similar but different. This is doing something even if you say you won’t.
These things can be big or small. Perhaps telling your wife you won’t stay out late and then doing so. Perhaps by committing to your mother, you will spend Christmas with her even though your wife told you she wanted to go away. Maybe promising you will only watch your team play softball because your shoulder hurts, but then playing all seven innings anyway.
An article by Roland Stout exploring the development of betrayal helps us understand that whatever the thing, doing something you say you won’t do will only lead her to no longer trust you and will create the drama you don’t want to happen.
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6. Watching ahead on a shared TV show with or without spoilers
Here is a completely modern-day phenomenon — the shared TV show. For many, these shows and watching them together is sacrosanct. If one’s partner watches ahead, it can destroy trust.
I remember an ex, and I were watching Sons of Anarchy, and I went on vacation for ten days. He promised me he wouldn’t watch ahead (there were many seasons), but he did. When he told me, I was furious. He told me he would watch them with me again, but it didn’t matter. My trust in him was broken that he would violate this agreement shocked me.
I ultimately let it go, but I made it very clear if it ever happened again, I was out of there. And it didn’t. Or at least it wasn't the reason I walked away.
So, there you go - 6 things men do that make women not trust them.
I know many of these things might be surprising and perhaps the result of good intentions, but, unfortunately, it doesn’t matter. The Handbook of Personality Psychology published research in support of how trust is trust, and when broken, it can't always be repaired.
So make an effort to be honest in all things — that is the key. If you can not tell little lies, if you can own up to what you can and can’t do if you can be open about your phone and careful about your TV watching, you will go a long way towards keeping her trust and your relationship strong!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.