11 Things Adult Children Don’t Realize They Do To Hurt Their Parents Deeply
Habits that could be straining your bond with your parents.
Inside Creative House | Shutterstock.com As children grow into adulthood and their parents reimagine their day-to-day lives, many families experience an inevitable sense of disconnect later in life. Licensed social worker Joslyn Jelinek suggests that these typical trends of disconnect and isolation are typically fueled by miscommunication and a lack of boundaries. Still, sometimes, there are more subtle things adult children don’t realize they do to hurt their parents profoundly and negatively affect their family’s dynamic.
By acknowledging these subtle behaviors, adult children not only redirect their focus to nurturing a healthier parent-child relationship but also engage in open communication, fundamental empathy, and the respect essential for any family to thrive.
Here are 11 things adult children don’t realize they do to hurt their parents deeply:
1.Ignoring calls and texts hurts parents more than you realize.
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Small acts of contact and kindness can go a long way for parents and their adult children, helping them to feel loved, appreciated, and thought of, even if there’s distance between them.
While a phone call is a preferable option — hearing each other’s voices and laughing together — sending a text message, a link to a song, or even a funny photo can be just as effective for communicating with your parents.
Even as adult children’s lives become more chaotic, with their jobs and new families, making space for gratitude and love with their parents is necessary to maintain a healthy relationship.
2.Skipping holiday visits can leave parents feeling neglected.
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While adult children should invest in their new lifestyles and relationships, disregarding family traditions or opting to see other people when they’re visiting their parents at home can be one of the things adult children don’t realize they do to hurt their parents deeply.
Whether decorating a Christmas tree or enjoying a meal together, cherish these small traditions. They not only evoke nostalgia but also nourish a strong connection with your family.
3.Leaving parents out of big life events can be painful.
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According to a study from the Child Development Journal, parents have the power to instill a sense of independence and autonomy in their children that can help their competency in navigating adulthood, chaotic lives, and workplace stress.
However, when adult children lean heavily into this autonomy — sometimes in productive ways like simply succeeding at work or starting a new family — their parents can be subtly disregarded.
Adult children who don’t include their parents in important events or celebrations, from birthday parties to housewarming gatherings, may not realize that they’re hurting their parents deeply, but they may be. It’s possible to be independent and foster a great relationship with your parents.
Still, sometimes, it takes the initiative of a phone call or an invitation to spend time together to balance.
4.Revisiting old arguments without resolution harms relationships.
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With new trends and technological accessibility helping adult children understand the link between their current struggles and their childhood experiences, many parents feel overwhelmed with navigating uncomfortable conversations about their perceived mistakes.
However, taking accountability or even listening to your adult children’s concerns is possible without necessarily agreeing with them.
Many adult children may bring up old conflicts and arguments, but if they’re doing it in an open, honest, and loving conversation, there could be benefits for everyone to talk through it.
On the other hand, adult children who take on an accusatory tone or single-handedly blame their parents for their current struggles, as psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein explains, may be genuinely hurting their parents and straining their relationship.
Adult children who are struggling may use their parents to relieve some of their uncomfortable emotions, but everyone’s emotional health can be protected with proper boundaries and communication tactics.
5.Failing to check in on parents’ wellbeing creates distance.
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A study from the University of Virginia found that nearly 30% of parents would prefer to be ‘best friends” with their adult children, generally fueled by nostalgia from their kids’ childhoods where they spent most of their time together.
However, it’s not inevitable that parents and their adult children will experience a huge disconnect for decades — it’s possible to continue cultivating a close relationship with the proper boundaries, communication, and expectations.
There’s so much warmth in a simple phone call! Just think about a grown child reaching out to see how their parents are doing; it makes them feel genuinely heard and valued.
While visiting every day might be a big ask, occasionally catching up on the phone can work wonders for parents and their adult kids.
6.Overstepping parental boundaries causes frustration.
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Adult children often overstep their parents' boundaries, appearing unexpectedly or revealing too much personal information.
Once they’ve moved out, they may return during holidays or visits feeling entitled to their parent’s time, energy, and space, sometimes pressuring them to prioritize their comfort over their parents’ needs.
Of course, these are the situations where parents should re-assert and communicate those boundaries to their kids, even if it takes patience and a bit of initial discomfort.
According to psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, it’s a “win-win” for everyone involved when parents openly discuss their expectations and boundaries, as it promotes honesty, empathy, and connection before resentment grows.
7.Being dismissive during conversations leaves parents hurt.
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Life management consultant Ruth Schimel argues that mastering the art of effective and compassionate listening helps boost trust and understanding in all of our relationships.
Whether connecting with a parent on the phone or visiting for the holidays, being fully present, asking thoughtful questions, and genuinely listening can convey these important feelings of trust and empathy.
Adult children dealing with the stress of adulthood can easily forgo these healthy behaviors, oftentimes without realizing they’re hurting their parents.
They may feel a sense of comfort at home or be able to unwind in their parents' presence, urging them to slip into more immature identities as a way to recharge from their adult lives.
However, it’s possible to be comfortable and empathetic — listening to your parents and treating connection with them as more than a chore. Don’t just reach out when you need something; make it a priority to cultivate space for them to express themselves and share experiences when they need a listening ear.
8.Avoiding affection leaves parents feeling unloved.
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Battling feelings of disconnect and often resentment at home, many adult children struggle to maintain affection with their parents — even to a fraction of what they might’ve grown up at home.
Counselor Dr. Rachel Glik said that this lack of affection, both physically and emotionally, can be a point of tension in a lot of homes, urging parents and adult children to feel conditionally loved and unvalued.
Everyone wants to feel loved by their families; many of us yearn to hear their praise. If you haven’t spoken to your parents recently, consider this a reminder to send them a message or give them a phone call.
Even something simple like saying “I love you” at the end of a phone call can do wonders for reconnecting and expressing gratitude.
9.Not sharing life updates can make parents feel disconnected.
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Even though our daily lives can feel busy and stressful, staying connected with our parents by sharing our achievements, life milestones, and updates is essential.
It brings us closer together — especially during adulthood when we might feel distant from our families — and makes our parents feel genuinely valued and appreciated.
Whether it’s the boring stuff like buying a new pair of jeans or a more exciting announcement like a promotion at work, share your wins with your parents.
Even if they have bustling social lives and a new lifestyle, make space to reach out to them and share your news.
10.Criticizing parents’ routines or choices can damage relationships.
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Everyone’s lives change — from parents to adult children and their siblings — when kids grow up and into their adult identities and lives.
Parents are forced into new habits, lifestyles, and activities while their kids figure out how they will craft their new daily lives.
While this change can be equally empowering and uncomfortable, giving each other grace is essential in figuring out what they’re hoping to prioritize in the next season of their life.
While adult children might feel more confident pointing out parts of their parents’ lives and identities they disagree with, they mustn’t speak down on their parents’ choices too much. It’s possible to disagree but still be supportive and bring value to conversations about their new interests and hobbies.
11.Dismissing parents’ emotions strains the bond.
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Psychologist Nick Wignall argues that emotional invalidation negatively interferes with emotional maturity, making people feel less heard, valued, and understood in their conversations.
This kind of invalidation can spark resentment and disconnect at home, especially between parents and their adult children.
While it might be one of the things adult children don’t realize they do to hurt their parents deeply, their inability to make space for their parents' experiences or emotions not only isolates their parents but strains the ability for them to maintain a healthy, trusting, and communicative relationship.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.