11 Phrases Genuinely Brilliant People Use During Arguments, According To Psychology
These simple statements keep heated conversations from boiling over.
nikkimeel / Shutterstock Every relationship faces conflict at some point. Disagreeing is part of being intimate with another person, whether that person is a friend, a family member, or a romantic partner. Arguments are a natural human response to feeling like your needs aren’t being met, yet what matters most is how you conduct yourself in an argument.
Destructive arguments occur when people try to “win” rather than find a solution that honors them both. In contrast, a healthy argument is based around mutual respect and direct communication. The phrases genuinely brilliant people use during arguments reflect that respect and they’re said with the goal of coming together to support one another.
In order for two people to argue in a productive way, they have to be willing to truly hear each other and work together toward a common goal.
Here are 11 phrases genuinely brilliant people use during arguments:
1. ‘I need some time to process’
Kmpzzz | Shutterstock
A phrase that genuinely brilliant people use during arguments is “I need some time to process.” This statement acknowledges that the speaker wants to work through the issue at hand, yet they need to calm down and think about their approach. When someone asks for time for processing their emotions during an argument, it shows that they want to communicate from a less reactive place.
Everyone processes at their own pace, yet the key is to actively ask for quiet time, not to just fall silent and stonewall your partner.
Licensed professional counselor Gina Binder touched on a common yet harmful pattern of communication: The silent treatment.
“In the silent treatment, one partner demands while the other withdraws,” she explained. “When people exhibit this pattern, communication, intimacy, and relationship satisfaction plummet.”
“Silence itself is not the problem. After all, a moment of silence allows us to honor precious memories or gather our thoughts before speaking,” Binder clarified. “But with the silent treatment, something golden becomes punitive and quietly aggressive. Extended silence functions as a relationship weapon. We need to lay down this weapon and constructively face our disagreements.”
She advised people to set house rules that get put into play during arguments, which can include taking a time-out “for gaining self-control, not for punishing anyone.”
Genuinely brilliant people are self-aware enough to know that arguing when their emotions are running high isn’t good for them or their partner, which is why they ask for time alone to reset and recenter themselves.
2. ‘How can I support you right now?’
fizkes | Shutterstock
Asking “How can I support you right now?” is a phrase genuinely brilliant people use during arguments. During the heat of a fight, it’s easy to let past grudges rise from the dead, which is why people say critical things like, “You always do this,” or “You never listen.” These rigid, declarative statements do the opposite of what clear communication aims to do. They create even more distance between the people arguing and generally make them feel personally attacked.
Taking a step back and asking how you can support each other is essentially asking, “What do you need in this moment to feel safe and acknowledged?” It narrows the conversation down to specifics, which can help people express their feelings. When one person asks the other how they can be supportive, it shows that they’re committed to talking openly and meeting their emotional needs as best they can.
Relationship coach Deb Dutilh points out that “Open communication is a key factor in the success, duration, and satisfaction of relationships.”
“The more satisfied people are in their relationship, the more likely they are to openly talk about their thoughts, feelings, concerns, and problems with one another,” she continues. “This connection underscores the value of your communication in the success of your relationship.”
Genuinely brilliant people know that showing up for their partner in an argument means meeting them exactly where they’re at to help them feel emotionally regulated.
3. ‘I really appreciate you sharing how you feel’
SynthEx | Shutterstock
Another phrase genuinely brilliant people use during arguments is “I really appreciate you sharing how you feel.” This phrase is a direct and positive affirmation that centers one person’s gratitude for the other person’s emotional transparency. It isn’t easy to share your feelings, especially during an argument, when you feel tender and exposed. Yet telling your partner how you feel not only illuminates what’s going on for you internally, it helps you feel closer to each other.
Relationship expert Lisa Lieberman-Wang points out that truly honest communication is the one thing that enhances intimacy and connection between two people. She notes that honest communication creates a sense of security in a relationship, which makes it easier to share how you feel.
“Getting to know the person you love and knowing that they're not hiding anything from you allows for a more intimate relationship,” she explains.
“It can be tough to share your thoughts and feelings with complete honesty… telling the truth isn't just a behavior, it’s a complete way of living and being in your relationship,” Lieberman-Wang concludes.
4. ‘What I hear you saying is...’
Simona Pilolla 2 | Shutterstock
During arguments, genuinely brilliant people use the phrase “What I hear you saying is” to clarify statements their partner makes. They demonstrate active listening skills by repeating and rephrasing what the other person said, to make sure they fully understand them.
Author and educator Anna Thea shared just how powerful and effective this statement can be.
“The most valuable gift you can give someone you love is your presence and be there for them,” she explained. “Listen to them. Make sure you understand what they are trying to say. Stop being so fixed on your point of view, and clarify and verify with the other person what they want to tell you.”
“You can do this by repeating what you just heard them say. Use these words, ‘What I am hearing you say is…’ Then, tell them what you understood them to say. You will be amazed at how often you misunderstand what they are saying.”
Most arguments get tangled up in misunderstanding the other person, which is why asking for clarification is such a brilliant tactic.
5. ‘I know this is difficult, but I’m here with you’
Antonio Diaz | Shutterstock
Genuinely brilliant people use the phrase “I know this is difficult, but I’m here with you” during arguments to solidify the sense of connection between themselves and their partner. Saying this phrase acknowledges the present tension, yet it also looks toward finding a solution as a team, which is how healthy couples operate.
In an argument, it can be easy to criticize your partner or re-open old wounds. Yet doing so destroys the sense of commitment and togetherness you and your partner need to move forward from this particular fight.
Placing blame is a destructive habit that makes couples feel isolated from each other, since “Finger-pointing sabotages the team dynamic that a successful relationship thrives on. Consider the roles that you, your partner, and your circumstances play; in any given situation, it's almost always a combination of the three.”
Instead of blaming each other, telling your partner that you’re in this together, no matter what, solidifies your connection and makes you both feel secure, which is essential to every relationship.
6. ‘I feel...’
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock
Another phrase genuinely brilliant people use during arguments is “I feel.” They use “I” statements instead of casting blame by saying “You make me feel.” Saying “I feel” is a way to take ownership of your emotions and maintain a sense of agency in an argument, which can often make people feel out of control.
Psychologist Dr. John Gottman describes criticism as the root of contempt, which often leads to the dissolution of a relationship.
According to his research, criticizing someone is an attack on their character, which isn’t a constructive way to communicate, yet “the antidote for criticism is to complain without blame by using a soft or gentle start-up.”
“Avoid saying ‘you,’ which can indicate blame, and instead talk about your feelings using ‘I’ statements and express what you need in a positive way.”
Psychologists at the Gottman Institute recommend asking yourself how you feel and what you need, then sharing those things, framed with an “I” statement.
Genuinely brilliant people know that labeling how they feel is a sign of having high emotional intelligence, which helps them assert themselves and get their emotional needs met.
7. ‘I don’t understand’
Mladen Mitrinovic | Shutterstock
“I don’t understand” is a phrase that genuinely brilliant people use during arguments to ask for clarification about the other person’s point of view. It’s an honest and straight-forward statement that indicates someone is open to listening and trying to see the other person’s perspective.
In his book “Why We Argue and How To Stop,” therapist Jerry Manney noted that “We often argue because we’re trying to change the thinking or behavior of someone else.”
He explained that people tend to enter arguments from an emotionally reactive place, which makes it hard to actually hear and understand what’s being said.
“While there may be some truth in your reactions, the deeper truth is that all of us want to feel like we’re being listened to, respected, and acknowledged,” Manney concluded.
When someone says, “I don’t understand” during an argument, it shows that they’re trying, which is really the best anyone can do.
8. ‘I see where you’re coming from’
fizkes | Shutterstock
The phrase “I see where you’re coming from” is a phrase genuinely brilliant people use during arguments to emotionally validate the other person. Psychologist Guy Winch defined emotional validation as “conveying that we get what the other person is feeling and why they're feeling it.”
Winch acknowledged that emotional validation is the best approach to soothing someone's feelings in an argument, it doesn’t always come easily.
The most productive thing we can do is to validate their feelings because doing so will make them far more receptive to our side of things,” he explained. “Unfortunately, we typically respond with defensiveness, justifications, and counterattacks in such situations — all of which make the other person far less receptive to what we have to say.”
He revealed that many people misinterpret the point of emotional validation, noting that “We believe that if we convey that we get why they feel the way they do, we're basically admitting to wrongdoing on our part. This is not true. We can convey we get their perspective while still maintaining ours.”
The phrase “I see where you’re coming from” is a prime example of emotional validation, which is why genuinely brilliant people use it during arguments.
9. ‘I want to solve this together’
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock
The phrase “I want to solve this together” is something genuinely brilliant people use during arguments to show that they’re committed to being a united front. A genuinely brilliant person doesn’t view arguments as a competition, which means they don’t see them as something to win. They know that the only way both halves of a couple win is if they’re in it together, as a team.
As educator Anna Thea pointed out, relationships reveal both our strengths and our growth points.
“Relationships are where you will feel the most pain and the most pleasure,” she explained. “It's through relationships where your partner or other people in your life mirror back to you who you are. It's not so easy or fun to see. This mirroring is what causes issues in relationships.”
Even though seeing yourself stripped down to who you really are isn’t easy, showing your vulnerabilities is essential to making a relationship work.
“Becoming more self-aware and giving newfound awareness a clear, loving, authentic voice will enhance your relationships,” Anna Thea concluded.
Being self-reflective allows us to know ourselves better, which allows us to show up for ourselves and our partners as our most authentic selves. Authenticity and vulnerability are key elements of being true to yourself while allowing your partnership to fully bloom.
10. ‘Can we agree to listen without interrupting?’
Chay_Tee | Shutterstock
Genuinely brilliant people use the phrase “Can we agree to listen without interrupting” as a way to set clear boundaries to communicate effectively in an argument. Boundaries are difficult to set, even with people you love. They become even harder to stick to in the heat of an argument, which is why establishing an agreement to listen without interruptions is so important.
According to expert advice, “The power of listening in any relationship cannot be emphasized enough.”
Listening involves much more than being quiet and nodding your head: “It doesn't mean being silent until it's your turn to talk. And it doesn't mean listening only to the things that help bolster your argument and ignoring the rest. Rather, it means listening with an open mind and really hearing what your partner is saying.”
Listening allows us to comprehend our partner’s perspective, which is the only way to know how they really feel.
11. ‘I’m sorry’
LightField Studios | Shutterstock
Genuinely brilliant people use the phrase “I’m sorry” during arguments because they know that taking ownership of their actions is the only path forward toward healing.
As licensed family and marriage therapist Shelby Riley points out, “An apology is an effective communication tool for health and healing. It has the power to soothe and validate your partner’s reality, to repair the hurt that your mistake caused, and to hold you accountable so that you are far less likely to make the same mistake again.”
She notes that a crucial part of a true apology is explaining how you’ll change your behavior in the future, which “builds trust and shows that not only are you serious about being a healthy partner, but you also have a plan for how to achieve that goal.”
Riley explains that by offering a heartfelt and actionable apology, “You are validating and respecting your partner, and you are growing into a healthier version of yourself.”
Saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t hold water unless you truly mean it. A true apology requires someone to reflect on what they did wrong and make a plan for repair. Saying “I’m sorry” is only the first step toward healing, but it is a phrase genuinely brilliant people use to pave the way for moving on from an argument.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.