11 Phrases Adult Kids Often Use To Manipulate Their Parents
A toxic family dynamic can spark resentment on both sides of the aisle.
Chay_Tee | Shutterstock Many manipulative adult children misuse their parents' kindness and generosity for personal gain, feeling a sense of entitlement over their parents' time, energy and space, simply because of their family role. Leveraging old experiences, trauma, and insecurities to spark feelings of guilt in their parents, the consequences a manipulative adult brings home to their parents can be incredibly disillusioning.
According to psychologist and parent coach Jeffrey Bernstein, parents often fall victim to their kids' manipulative tactics, feeling a combination of stress, anxiety and shame in conversations with their adult children that urges them to consistently put their own needs aside. By recognizing and acknowledging the phrases adult kids use to manipulate their parents, they can begin to set boundaries and demand respect from their kids, even if it's awkward or uncomfortable at first.
Here are 11 phrases adult kids often use to manipulate their parents
1. 'I didn't ask to be born'
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Many parents unknowingly enable their manipulative adult children's behavior to grapple with the guilt they feel from making mistakes or feeling a low sense of worth, according to Bernstein.
Not only do they tend to take the emotional brunt of their kids' unsettlingly toxic phrases, they overextend themselves to ensure their kids' needs and wants are met, sometimes at the expense of their own.
With phrases like "I didn't ask to be born," adult kids can ensure their parents feel a constant sense of guilt in their daily lives, letting their clear boundaries slip and their tendency towards open communication fall short.
The better you are at changing your own mindset and tendencies in a family dynamic, the more change you'll see in your kids. Stand your ground, lead with empathy, and go head first into honest conversations — that's how true change starts.
2. 'You owe me'
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Many adult kids weaponize their parents' mistakes and childhood experiences to get what they want, instead of opening up honest conversations about their trauma and addressing their uncomfortable emotions.
They shift the blame and guilt they're internally grappling with onto their parents, breaking down boundaries and setting a precedent for their entitlement.
As a parent, there's only so much you can control in your adult kids' lives. They're independent adults now, capable of setting up their own lives, finding their way, and respecting other people's boundaries.
Don't let them walk all over you, with misguided attacks on your identity as a parent or old experiences you've already addressed and apologized for.
3. 'I would do this for you if I was a parent'
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Family coach Linda Goldfarb argues that there's two ways for adult children to interact with their parents. The first: empower them, empathize with them, and generally convey a sense of trust that characterizes a healthy relationship.
The other: "push their head down" and force them into a state of anxiety where they feel targeted, guilty, and isolated.
Manipulative adult kids often opt for the latter — urging their parents into an insecure mindset and identity that pushes them to overlook their emotional needs and boundaries.
4. 'You're invalidating my emotions'
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With the rise of mental health awareness and adult kids' recognition of the link between their childhoods and their current struggles, many have gained a wealth of new language to manipulate the people around them.
Using "weaponized therapy speak" to convey a sense of intellect and superiority over their parents, manipulative adult kids often dismiss and invalidate their parents' concerns to get what they want.
Despite feeling confused and disillusioned, especially if you aren't entirely sure what this therapy language means, parents have the power to set clear boundaries regardless of their kids' intellect.
Express what you want, listen to your kids' concerns, and practice the confidence you need to advocate for yourself.
5. 'I thought I could count on you, but obviously I can't'
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A 2009 study from Psychology and Aging suggests that parents who place unrealistic expectations on their kids, even into adulthood, tend to spark resentment and tension in the family dynamic. However, the same is true for adult children and their parents.
When kids expect unrealistic commitments or support from their parents, it can cultivate a toxic reality for everyone involved.
Parents should feel empowered to set boundaries with their kids, whether they're related to financial support, privacy, or a simple demand for respect.
While adult children may feel an entitlement to your time, space and energy, your peace, privacy and health are most important to prioritize.
6. 'If you really loved me, you'd do this for me'
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Many manipulative adult children with narcissistic tendencies will belittle and demean their parents to get what they want, willing to sabotage the health of their relationship to prioritize their own desires.
With conditional love and a yearning for control, manipulative adult kids may use a phrase like this to weaponize their parents desire to support them, finding ways to overstep their boundaries and ask for more.
As a result, many parents will distance themselves from their toxic adult children for their own peace.
7. 'You never think about anyone but yourself'
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In the face of a child's narcissism, many parents feel guilty advocating for themselves and setting boundaries, afraid they'll upset their kids or spark anxiety-ridden conflicts.
Manipulative adult kids know what they're doing when they invalidate their parents' emotions or make them feel guilty for setting boundaries.
They're willing to lie, cheat, and dismiss their parents' feelings for the sake of their own desires, even if it breaks down their parents' confidence in the process.
By recognizing some of the phrases adult kids often use to manipulate their parents, you can separate your adult kids' outbursts from your emotional health, sticking to boundaries and prioritizing yourself without feeling emotional burdens or anxiety for doing so.
8. 'It's your responsibility to make sure I'm okay'
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Bernstein is quick to empathize with parents who struggle with their relationships with their adult kids, especially at the hands of their manipulative tactics and general disrespect.
"It is normal to feel guilty," he writes honestly. "As a parent, you want the best for your child and it is natural to feel responsible for their well-being.
However, it is important to recognize that you cannot control every aspect of their life and that they are responsible for their own choices and actions."
By setting clear boundaries with your kids, you not only ensure they have a clear idea of the kind of respect you expect in your relationship, you protect your own well-being as a parent from becoming too emotionally invested in your kids' adult lives.
9. 'Fine, I'll just end up homeless'
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While there's certainly a large social trend revealing that more younger people are forced to live at home with their parents later in life, compensating for tricky financial crises and general job insecurity, parents should feel empowered to set boundaries when they feel their kindness or grace is being overlooked.
As a parent, you should be able to feel a sense of peace at home, rather than constant emotional burden or stress. If that means helping your child move out or figuring out a new living situation, so be it.
Faced with the anxiety and stress of adulthood, many manipulative adult children will try to bring their parents down, making them feel anxious and guilty, rather than embracing challenges head-on. They'll actively work to make their parents feel less-than, knowing they have more control over their boundaries when they're insecure or ashamed, like the book "10 Days to a Less Defiant Child" argues.
You deserve clear boundaries. Even if you've made mistakes as a parent, you don't deserve to be consistently taken advantage of by your kids.
Their struggles may have been affected by their childhood or your relationship, but they're not entirely your responsibility to mediate.
10. 'Great parents do this for their kids'
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According to a study published in Psychology and Aging, tensions between adult children and their parents are unsettlingly common, especially today, when many young adults are becoming more aware of the links between current struggles and their childhood experiences.
While recognizing this link and being able to acknowledge triggers, trauma, and certain experiential traits is important for growth in young adults, manipulating this knowledge to shame a parent will never result in a healthy dynamic — for anyone involved.
Manipulative adult children may be able to name certain circumstances where you made a parenting mistake or constantly compare you to "better, healthier, more intentional" parents, but that doesn't mean you have to agree with them or compensate.
Listen to their uncomfortable emotions, acknowledge them, and then set your boundaries.
11. 'You were never supportive of me as a kid'
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Tactics to shame and blame their parents for their adult struggles are prevalent in some of the common phrases adult kids often use to manipulate their parents.
According to a 2016 study on parental tensions, the best way for parents to navigate conversions where this kind of victim behavior and shaming is present is to take things one issue at a time.
Figure out why they feel the way they do and the best way to move forward — resolving conflict head-on, rather than letting these issues slip under the radar and cause resentment.
Apologize when it makes sense, take accountability for your past mistakes, listen to your adult kids with empathy, and then move forward. Even if you've done things you're not proud of, you shouldn't feel pressured to continuously make up for them decade-after-decade.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.