If Your Parents Did These 7 Things You Can Blame Them For Being Bad At Adulting
Struggling with bills, boundaries, or basic life skills? Your parents might be to blame.
syedfahadghazanfar | Shutterstock Kids are, by definition, emotionally immature. They have not yet had an opportunity to learn how to recognize their feelings, manage them, take responsibility for them, or use them the way they are meant to be used. That's normal.
But then you grew up and now feel like you missed the memo on how to be a functioning adult. From budgeting disasters to never knowing what to say in tough conversations, “adulting” can feel like an uphill battle. But here’s the thing: some of those struggles might not be entirely your fault. That's right — your parents are to blame for your inability to adult. The way your parents raised you plays a huge role in how well you navigate finances, relationships, and responsibilities.
If your parents skipped teaching key life skills or modeled bad habits, you’re likely still feeling the effects today. Your upbringing may have set you up for an adulthood full of challenges — and why acknowledging it is the first step to fixing it.
If your parents did these things, you can blame them for being bad at adulting:
1. They had explosive bouts of emotions
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If you grew up with emotionally immature parents, as a child you were witness to their unchecked and unmanaged feelings. They may have had emotional outbursts, struggled to regulate their emotions, or had intense reactions, regardless of how it affected you or others.
Your parents may also have had explosive bouts of anger or sadness or even happier emotions like laughter. But their emotions were often disproportionate to the situation. As a result, when you were a child, you may have felt like you were on a constant rollercoaster, feeling unnerved, confused, and fearful.
Their wild emotions made it difficult for you to feel stable or understand why they reacted a certain way. You may have also felt like the household was chaotic and, later in life, had an unstable emotional foundation.
2. They were ignorant of your needs
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Your parents probably didn't quite understand your feelings or even try to connect with you on a deeper level. They lacked awareness that made them disregard your needs, desires, and interests, and were only focused on their own needs.
Because they ignored you, it deeply affected you. You may have felt misunderstood, lonely, or unseen as a result of their emotional neglect.
Emotionally immature parents, often characterized by self-centeredness and difficulty recognizing or responding to their children's needs, can have significant negative impacts on a child's development and well-being. According to a 2021 study, this could result in emotional dysregulation, low self-esteem, and difficulties forming healthy relationships.
3. They displayed low emotional intelligence
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While their reactions to seemingly minute situations were explosive, all in all, they had little understanding of emotions, how they work, or how to respond to them. This means they likely had low emotional intelligence (EQ).
Because they didn't understand emotions, they were unable to empathize with you and your experience. When you came home from school upset about someone being mean, they had no kind words to offer you and may have even become angry with you for feeling a certain way.
Emotional intelligence is essential for proper communication, especially in the development of a healthy parent-child relationship. Unfortunately, their low EQ may have created an inability to regulate their own emotions, form healthy relationships, and create insecure attachment styles.
4. They were extremely volatile
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Because of their inability to understand and process emotions, they likely showed intense feelings like anger, hurt, sadness, or pain at unpredictable times. This volatile behavior may have included impulsive reactions and a tense environment.
Due to their volatility, you may have been constantly on edge and hyper-vigilant in anticipating their outbursts at any time. Much like an eggshell mom, your parents kept you in a constant state of anxiety and, down the road, led you to develop coping mechanisms to keep the peace.
Research indicates that volatile, emotionally immature parenting can lead to significant challenges in children's emotional development, including difficulties with self-esteem, emotional regulation, and forming healthy relationships. Children raised in volatile environments may be at a higher risk of developing mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, and personality disorders.
5. They possessed little ability to communicate your emotions
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It’s a parent’s job to teach their child about feelings, talking about emotions as a natural part of everyday life, asking their child what they’re feeling, naming their child’s feelings, and helping their child manage their feelings, too.
Children who receive this kind of emotional attention and care learn the emotional skills that they will need throughout their lives. Unfortunately, for people who grew up with emotionally immature parents, their feelings were ignored and created a sense of isolation.
In doing so, your parents taught you to ignore your feelings, and instead of saying they were angry and talking about it, they took it out on you, whether it was with the silent treatment or indirectly punishing behavior. They may have also lacked the emotional vocabulary to correctly identify what their feelings were.
6. They were selfish and inconsiderate
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Growing up, you may have noticed that your emotionally immature parents were willing to hurt you mentally and emotionally, all to make themselves feel better or get what they want.
Their selfish tendencies meant they prioritized their own needs over yours, were self-centered, didn't validate or emotionally support you, and may have even expected you to be the caretaker in your parent-child relationship. This, in turn, most likely led to you suppressing your feelings to meet their demands.
Emotionally immature parents, often exhibiting selfish behaviors, can negatively impact their children's development, leading to issues with self-esteem, emotional regulation, and boundary setting. According to a 2019 study, the effects of emotionally immature parenting can have long-lasting consequences on a child's psychological well-being, potentially leading to issues like anxiety, depression, and substance abuse.
7. They rejected responsibility
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Your emotionally immature parents seldom took responsibility or apologized after hurting your feelings. The ability to take responsibility for your actions is a huge indicator of emotional maturity, but in this case, your parents deflected blame and avoided all accountability.
Perhaps your parents were narcissists, which, in this case, meant they were prone to overlooking and misperceiving your feelings, manipulating and directly harming you in the process. They made decisions and engaged in actions that did damage — not because they were unaware, but because they just didn't care.
As a result, you were likely left feeling abandoned, unsupported, and suffering from low self-esteem and inadequacy.
Jonice Webb, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and best-selling author of two self-help books. She specializes in childhood emotional neglect, relationships, communication issues, and mental health. Dr. Webb has appeared on CBS News and NPR, and her work has been cited by many publications.