10 Subtle Signs A Person Was Emotionally Neglected As A Child, According To Psychology
Emotional neglect takes its toll later in life.
SHVETS production | Pexels As a child, no one noticed enough what you were feeling or what you needed. You received covert messages to guide your life. Silent, unintended, and usually invisible, these messages took root early and well. As you went through adolescence, they undermined the self-confidence and self-knowledge you should have gathered.
As you grew into adulthood, they prevented you from making the right choices. As you formed relationships and fell in love, they prevented you from valuing yourself. If you had children and raised them, they weighed you down and left you feeling mystified about what you were missing and why.
Here are 10 subtle signs a person was emotionally neglected as a child, according to psychology:
1. You may feel like it's not good to be too happy or too sad
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As a child, you naturally had intense feelings. This is how all children are wired. Exuberant one moment, intensely frustrated the next, you needed someone to teach you how to understand and manage your emotions.
But what you got instead was a covert message that your emotions were excessive. What you learned was to dampen your feelings, not the skills you needed to manage them.
Believing it's not good to be "too happy" or "too sad" can be a sign of child neglect, particularly emotional neglect. It indicates a learned pattern of suppressing or downplaying one's emotions, which could stem from a childhood environment where expressing strong feelings was discouraged or punished. This can lead to difficulty in fully experiencing a range of emotions as an adult, according to a 2022 study.
2. You are overly-sensitive
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As a child, you naturally felt upset when things upset you. You naturally felt angry when you were hurt. You needed to have your feelings soothed by a loving parent so you could learn how to soothe yourself.
But what you got was a message that your feelings were a weakness. What you learned was to judge yourself for having them.
2023 research found that when a child's emotional experiences are invalidated or their feelings are ignored or dismissed, they may develop a poor sense of self, low self-esteem, and become overly sensitive. In an emotionally neglectful family, a highly sensitive person (HSP) learns they are overly emotional. They don’t know that their emotions are personal expressions of who they are. Instead, they learn they are different, damaged, weak, and wrong, 2022 research confirmed.
3. Your needs and preferences often feel irrelevant
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As a child, you had needs, just as all children do. You had things that felt important to you and things that felt good or bad to you. You needed someone to notice or ask what you needed or wanted so you would feel you mattered. When no one asked you enough, you learned you don’t ask.
4. You feel like talking about your problems will unnecessarily burden other people
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Growing up, you had problems with school, siblings, and friends. What you needed was to know that you could talk to a parent. Instead, you knew they, for whatever reason, could not handle it. You learned others couldn’t handle your problems, so you’d best keep it to yourself.
Believing that talking about a problem will unnecessarily burden other people can be a sign of child neglect because it indicates a failure to validate a child's emotions and needs, essentially dismissing their experiences as unimportant and potentially leading to a sense of emotional isolation and lack of support, which falls under the category of "emotional neglect,” 2022 research confirmed.
5. You may see crying as a weakness
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All humans cry and for a reason. Crying is a way to release and process your emotions. As a child, you cried, and you needed this to be okay.
Instead, your family didn’t know that crying has a purpose, so they ignored your tears or shamed you for having them. Perhaps they never showed tears themselves. You learned that crying is negative and should be avoided. This is one of the biggest signs you were neglected as a child.
Crying is a natural and healthy response to emotions, and the belief that it's a sign of weakness is a myth. Seeing crying as a sign of weakness can be a sign of child neglect if it's part of a pattern of emotional difficulties that the child is experiencing emotional and behavioral regulation difficulties, according to a 2014 publication of New Directions in Child Abuse and Neglect Research.
6. You feel like people will judge you for showing your feelings
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Were you judged for showing feelings in your childhood home? This powerful message has been carried forth with you. “Hide your emotions from others” is the message, “or others will think less of you.” Or, worse, they will use your feelings against you.
Believing that others will judge you for showing your feelings can be a sign of child neglect, mainly because it indicates a childhood where expressing emotions was not validated or even discouraged. This leads to a learned belief that vulnerability and emotional openness will be met with criticism or disapproval from others, 2020 research explained.
7. You often suppress your anger
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As a child, you felt angry. This is a natural part of life. As a child, you needed help to name, understand, and manage your anger. Perhaps your anger was squelched or overwhelmed by another’s. Maybe you were punished for showing it. What you learned was anger is bad, and you should suppress it.
8. You feel like relying on others will only set you up for disappointment
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Children need help, period. So do adolescents and adults. As a child, you needed support, direction, suggestions, and assistance, but you could see your parents were not up to that. You learned it is best not to ask for help in general because you are setting yourself up for a letdown.
Believing that relying on others will lead to disappointment can be a sign of child neglect because it often stems from a childhood where a child's emotional needs were not consistently met by caregivers, leading them to learn that they cannot depend on others and should instead rely solely on themselves, a coping mechanism developed to protect against further hurt and disappointment.
This is particularly true when a child experiences emotional neglect, where their feelings and needs are not validated or responded to appropriately, 2023 research found in regards to triggers for adults who experienced childhood neglect explained.
9. You may feel like others are not interested in what you have to say
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As a young child, you had endless wonder at the world around you. As you grew, you had endless things you wanted and needed to ask and say. Yet talking was not valued in your family, and you were not asked or listened to enough. You learned your questions and words are not valuable and that you should keep them to yourself.
The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children, the UK's leading children's charity, found that this belief indicates a lack of validation and attention from caregivers during childhood, leading a person to internalize the belief that their thoughts and feelings are not important or worth sharing.
10. You may feel like you're alone in the world
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As a child, you needed to feel an adult had your back. No matter what happened, there was support and help for you. Instead, when you needed something, you discovered that your adult(s) were busy, overwhelmed, or unaware. What you learned was you were all alone.
In an article by Undercover Mental Health Counseling, they explain that this belief often stems from a lack of emotional support and validation during childhood, where a caregiver consistently fails to acknowledge a child's feelings and needs or provide a sense of belonging, leaving the child feeling isolated and disconnected from others, ultimately internalizing the belief that they are alone in the world. When children don't receive adequate emotional support, they may struggle to develop healthy attachments and feel like they cannot trust others to meet their needs, further reinforcing the feeling of isolation.
These lessons are too real and feel too true when you grow up receiving them in such a covertly encompassing way. But do not forget they are merely lessons of your family, not truths. The fact you learned them does not make them right.
The truth is strong feelings connect us to ourselves and each other and being able to have them is a sign of health and strength. Knowing your needs and preferences and expressing them is a key to living a happy, fulfilled life.
Talking about your problems helps you solve them. Crying is a healthy way of coping. Letting others see your feelings helps them know you better.
Anger is an important message from your body that empowers you. Mutual dependence is a form of teamwork that makes you stronger.
What you have to say is important, and you should say it. You are human. You are connected, you are important. You are not, in fact, by any stretch, alone.
Jonice Webb Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and best-selling author of two self-help books. She specializes in childhood emotional neglect, relationships, communication issues, and mental health. Dr. Webb has appeared on CBS News and NPR, and her work has been cited by many publications.