12 Ways Strong, Independent Women Scare The Weak Men Who Don't Deserve Them
It's a perfectly complicated situation.
Lightfield Studios and Alliance Images via Shutterstock An independent woman sounds oh-so-fun. So why, then, are so many people afraid of an independent woman?
There are many reasons, and most of them are never directly stated. Instead, they're implied and internalized. As one of those "independent" women, I often feel that, for men, perhaps it's not that I'm not "enough" for them, but that I'm too much.
Other than car repairs and fixing things, I take care of everything. Yes, I'm one of those women who knows when she needs to ask either a man (or a woman!) for help. But I believe that's just another sign of my strength.
So if you're an independent woman who can't meet the right guy, or has a tough time with friendships or colleagues — or are a man who's in love with an independent woman — read on!
Here are 12 struggles only strong, independent women can relate to
1. Your independence plays into other people's insecurities
Your independence makes other women (insecure women) feel bad about themselves. Most likely, they know it would be a great idea if they were independent, but their insecurities and low self-esteem prevent them from doing so. You're the reminder that they aren't where they want to be. And you may be a reminder of what is holding them back, which can be painful.
We can have compassion for these women, and how they got where they are without buying into unkind things they may do to try to slow us down or make us feel bad about our energy and vibrance.
2. Your independence threatens the status quo
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Your independence may threaten how they view the world and how male-female relationships should be, as explored by a study in the Annual Review of Psychology.
I had a friend who felt men should do everything for women and was rarely single. She was the total opposite of me, and it bothered her that I challenged how she felt, both with my words and actions.
3. Your strength causes people to admire you, and they act a little strange as a result
It may not be that someone's afraid of you, but nervous admiration comes across as fear when it's pure respect. Other people may see you as someone to look up to and emulate. In doing so, this may make them nervous around you.
4. You unintentionally make some men feel worthless
Your amazing independence makes him wonder what he can offer you. Research in Personnel & Guidance Journal helped explain how, unfortunately, men have been socially trained to focus solely on what they can give to women in terms of quantifiable actions, such as monetary support, repairs, and protection from evil things.
While these things are indeed lovely for a man to provide, it would be nice if men were socially trained to be emotive, decent listeners and supporters in other ways to lessen the pressure on them and help them share their feelings better.
But since that's not apt to happen soon, and of course, some men are great listeners and are emotionally supportive. In the meantime, men may feel like there's nothing they can offer the woman who can do it all.
5. You shake up men's understanding of gender roles, and they resent you for it
Your strength threatens what they believe men need to be and women need to be. It's the same as the woman who's tied to strict traditional gender roles. Your existence shakes up how these men feel about gender, and it's not pretty. Good for you!
"There's a sense that you're independent, which means you eschew all men and men-related goodness, or you're dependent, which means you have someone else making all your decisions, but you get your feet rubbed.
"That's a false dichotomy that's harmful to women everywhere. It sets them up to fulfill unrealistic expectations; it damages their self-esteem and their ability for self-actualization. Women can be independent and pampered at the same time," explained author Elizabeth Broadbent
6. Potential partners fear you may stray or never be satisfied
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The independent woman may stray in a timid man's eyes. Why? Because she has the freedom of choice. In evolutionary terms, she can hunt and gather, and this is frightening to the timid and most likely insecure guy who was taught to hunt with the hopes of keeping his prey and not having it wander.
7. Men may feel nervous because they find your independence and strength so attractive
The man who finds the independent woman incredibly attractive may be so excited that it's channeled into nervous energy. He doesn't know where to start or when to stop. You're that powerful to him.
8. Your strength isn't about being attractive, and some men don't know how to deal with it
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You are strong, but it isn't about being cute or to attract a man. It's who you are. It's how you have to be to get through the world. Some men are simply uncomfortable with things that aren't about them or for them, as shown by an article in Theorizing Masculinities. Luckily, those men aren't right for you anyway.
9. You cannot be controlled, but controlling people still try
Some men are into strong women because they see us as a challenge to be conquered. But you? You cannot be conquered, and that freaks them out. That's OK. You don't want a man (or a friend!) who needs to be the boss of your life anyway.
10. You show women what life is like without unkind men in their personal lives
This frightens some men and some women. It's comfortable to believe there's just one way to be — submissive to men. It's obvious why this scares men, but why does it frighten some women? Because it opens up a world that might feel out of reach and shows them an alternative life they might be able to have if they decide to shake things up.
11. Your friends' (insecure) husbands don't want them hanging out with you
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Ever noticed a friend who pulls away just as her partner gets to know you better? Often, this is because their partner is afraid their independence and high standards are going to rub off on their wife.
As long as you know you're inspiring your friend (rather than bad-mouthing her partner), that's just a natural consequence of being a vision of the future. You can always try talking to your friend to make sure all is well, but there's only so much you can do!
12. You are a preview of the future, and some people aren't ready for you
Once again, people are made uncomfortable by change, especially change that seems to be coming whether they like it or not. Society has gone along with the "man is the head of the household" structure for generations, and that has made men both more profitable and powerful than women. A report from the International Women’s Rights Action Watch suggested how that is changing, and, as we said, change is scary to the people who benefit from the status quo.
But you don't need to change anything about yourself unless you want to. Your only obligation is to put out your hand to other women (and gender-expansive folks) who want to help change the future so it is safer and more equitable!
Listen: Sometimes, doing it all is scary, and you feel a lot of pressure to keep going. You wish for someone else to pitch in and stop being so scared of you. At other times, it's energizing, and you're proud of who you've become. You relish the fact you aren't looking to someone for answers or guidance. In other words, it's perfectly complicated, just like we women are.
Laura Lifshitz writes about divorce, relationships, parenting, and marriage for YourTango, The New York Times, Women’s Health, Working Mother, and Pop Sugar.