11 Signs Your Kindness Is Being Taken For Granted By Someone You Love
If a loved one doesn't reciprocate the kindness you show them, it's a huge red flag.
Dmytro Sheremeta | Shutterstock Being kind is a good thing. The desire to be kind is especially prevalent with the people you love. If they don’t deserve kindness, who does? Sometimes, those we care about may take our kindness for granted, using and manipulating it — and us.
Although we risk having our kindness taken advantage of, it’s still important to show it. According to Suzie Pileggi Pawelski, MAPP, and James Pawleski, Ph.D., “Numerous studies over the years have found that kindness can boost our happiness levels. Those who give it feel better about themselves and more compassionate toward others. And those who receive kindness often feel less lonely.” So, how can we ensure that the people we love genuinely appreciate our kindness and aren’t taking it for granted? There are signs to look for.
Here are 11 signs your kindness is being taken for granted by someone you love:
1. They expect you to solve their problems for them.
Goksi | Shutterstock
Helping people through rough patches is something you do when you’re kind, and you care. But if someone expects you to magically solve their problems without any effort, they’re probably taking your kindness for granted.
Psychotherapist Erika Meyers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC, explained that you must ensure you’re not doing all the heavy lifting in a relationship. Instead, it’s something that has to be shared. “Being a good friend means not letting resentment build or having frustrations get in the way of your friendship,” she said. “Being a good friend also means setting limits and not expecting your friend to take full responsibility for holding them.”
If someone expects you to solve their problems for them, they aren’t taking responsibility for their own life and aren’t showing that they value your relationship. They’re just taking the kindness you offer and extending it as far as possible.
2. They push your boundaries far beyond what they should.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock
If you want to get really particular, no one should push your boundaries, period. But, in life, sometimes it’s understandable that boundaries get stretched. However, a pattern of pushing your boundaries way too far is a sign that someone is taking your kindness for granted instead of truly appreciating it.
“Boundary pushers come in a variety of forms and may be narcissistic, immature, entitled, selfish, privileged, desperate, clueless, or some combination,” said Shawn Meghan Burn, Ph.D. Burn also pointed out that sometimes “extenuating circumstances” cause one to adjust their boundaries, but that is not the same as letting them go entirely so someone can walk over you.
If someone consistently pushes your boundaries and even crosses them, it shows that they don’t value your relationship as highly as you do. Your kindness is being taken for granted by someone you love, whether you want to admit it or not.
3. They never show that they are thankful for you and your kindness.
Perfect Wave | Shutterstock
Gratitude is huge in any relationship, be it romantic or platonic. If you are putting something into the relationship, your contribution should be met with an attitude of thankfulness. What you’re giving matters and is important. If someone doesn’t recognize that, they are likely taking your kindness for granted.
There are no negative aspects to expressing gratitude. It’s pretty good for you. Harvard Medical School noted, “Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.” The only thing that an expression of thankfulness might wound is pride.
If someone cannot meet your contributions with gratitude, it shows a lack of maturity on their part. They are fighting against something that will benefit both of you in the name of their pride. This is a sure sign that your kindness is being taken advantage of.
4. They aren’t really interested in your life like you are in theirs.
New Africa | Shutterstock
Showing an interest in someone else’s life is an inherently kind thing to do. It’s a sign that you care and you love them. However, if that interest is never reciprocated, it can leave you feeling unfulfilled and lonely. Someone who truly cared about you wouldn’t want you to feel that way, but someone who took your kindness for granted wouldn’t care.
Andrew Quagliata, a professor at Cornell University, cited Robert Cialdini's research for his book Influence. Quagliata explained, “His research found that when someone gives first, they create an obligation in others to reciprocate with a similar behavior, gift, or service.”
By this rationale, if you show an interest in someone’s life, they are obligated also to show an interest in yours. But someone taking your kindness for granted will soak up the attention and use it to their advantage, leaving nothing over for you.
5. You’re forced to take on extra work because they know you can handle it.
insta_photos | Shutterstock
On the surface, this may seem like a compliment, but it’s a backhanded one. Just because you can take on more doesn’t mean you should have to. If someone acknowledges that you can do so, that’s one thing, but forcing you to take more on is entirely different.
Sacrifice is vital for a relationship to work, writer Amie M. Gordon pointed out. But you should never be made to feel like you’re the only one sacrificing or that those sacrifices aren’t equal. “Over time, this imbalanced pattern of sacrifice may lead to an imbalance of power in your relationship — a recipe for long-term unhappiness and resentment,” she wrote for UC Berkeley’s Greater Good magazine.
Someone taking your kindness for granted will expect you to do way more heavy lifting than they are. They’ll see no reason or need to sacrifice while you take on more and more at their insistence.
6. They’re always asking for something because they know you’ll give it to them.
fizkes | Shutterstock
Do you feel like your loved one is always ready to ask for something, whether it’s money, advice, a place to stay, or some other kind of help? This could be a sign that they’re taking your kindness for granted. If they always expect you to be there to give but never give anything in return, they aren’t showing you the respect you deserve.
Meghan Marcum, PsyD's chief psychologist at AMFM Healthcare, put it more bluntly, saying that this is a sign you’re “being used.” Asking for “money, favors, or other items” is one of the most unmistakable signs of being used and taken advantage of. You’re the only one who’s bringing anything to the relationship.
Being used is a sign of disrespect and shows that your supposed loved one doesn’t reciprocate your feelings as they should in a genuinely loving relationship. No one wants to be used as an ATM or hotel by someone who is supposed to care about them.
7. They take credit for your hard work.
fizkes | Shutterstock
When growing up, was there any worse feeling than having another student take all of the credit for the project you put your all into? Or what about now, when a co-worker claims they are responsible for something with your fingerprints all over it? It’s not a good feeling. It’s even worse when someone you love is involved.
Kellogg School of Business professor Brian Uzzi said it’s a “big mistake” to question this behavior in the heat of the moment. However, author and workplace expert Amy Gallo acknowledged that you shouldn’t wait so long that the other person has plausible deniability. The bottom line is that you will have to confront this behavior eventually.
Doing so can be incredibly hard and fracture your fragile relationship with that person. But you deserve the recognition you’ve worked so hard to earn. You can’t let someone else take the credit for what you’ve done in any area of your life.
8. They don’t care about your feelings, even though you care deeply about theirs.
VGstockstudio | Shutterstock
In a healthy, loving relationship, both sides will care about the other. Unfortunately, for many, this is not the reality. Nothing hurts more than knowing that you deeply care about someone’s feelings, but that care is not mutual.
PsychCentral writers Breanna Mona and Sandra Silva said that someone not asking about your feelings is one of the most significant and common indicators that they don’t care about you. Additionally, not showing “mutuality in the relationship” or not caring about someone else’s life are signs telling Cheri Timko, a couple’s relationship coach, that someone doesn’t care.
If someone doesn’t care about your feelings, it questions whether or not they can be called a loved one. They certainly take your kindness for granted and show you just how little your relationship means to them.
9. They don’t treat your things with the care they deserve.
New Africa | Shutterstock
If someone doesn’t respect your stuff, it’s a bad sign. Your property deserves to be treated with care, just like you do. If someone reciprocates your feelings of care, they will respect every part of you, including your belongings. Not doing so shows that they’re taking advantage of your kindness.
This is particularly problematic when you lend that person something that belongs to you. Maybe they insist they need it and can’t do without it. Perhaps it goes back to them constantly asking for something. Regardless of the circumstance, Sandra Silva shared that this violates personal boundaries significantly. “Expressing your boundary and how crossing the line makes you feel is essential to establish healthy relationships,” she added.
If someone respects you, they will respect the things you own. If they don’t respect your possessions, then it’s possible they never really respected you and are simply working to take advantage of the kindness you keep giving them.
10. Even though you’re consistently there for them, it’s never reciprocated.
Day Of Victory Studio | Shutterstock
Being there for someone requires a lot of effort on your part. It’s not easy. And, when you choose to do so, it would be nice if that other person did so in return. But it often doesn’t work out that way. No matter how much you show up for someone else, if they don’t show up for you, the relationship isn’t working.
Nashira Funn Kayode, Ph.D., LCSW, said, “It’s normal to feel disappointed, sad, and even angry when friends do not show up for us in our time of need. These situations may trigger stronger feelings such as resentment, abandonment, or rejection.” Kayode noted that sometimes, you can heal from a situation by discussing how you feel with the other person, but this may not always work.
If you feel like you’re putting your all into being there for someone, but they aren’t doing the same for you, it may be time to reconsider the kindness you’re extending. There’s a good chance they are taking it for granted and living off your friendship's benefits.
11. Your relationship feels one-sided.
fizkes | Shutterstock
All of these signs boil down to one thing: a one-sided relationship. Dr. Scott Bea, PsyD, described this as “any relationship where it feels like the effort, energy, and tasks are imbalanced, and where one feels as though there’s not a reciprocity that they would necessarily like. We might notice that we’re the ones that always make the phone call or initiate the contact, or we’re the one that’s listening, or we really never had a chance to discuss what’s on our mind.”
If you’re in a one-sided relationship, whether platonic or romantic, it means you are putting in all the effort, and the other person does very little or nothing in return. It’s not fair, and it’s not right. If someone you love is taking your kindness for granted, it’s an almost sure sign that you’re experiencing a one-sided relationship. The best thing you can do for yourself is get out.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.