5 Signs Of A Truly Kind-Hearted Person, According To Psychology
How the kindest people move through a cruel world.
SDI Productions | Canva Uncertain times may be putting it mildly. Precarious? Mind-numbing? Disturbing? Maybe, if you’re particularly optimistic... exciting? Whatever belief system you have, we all feel a little dazed right now.
To paraphrase one of our founding fathers, Thomas Paine, "These are the times that try our souls." If you feel numbed out or overwhelmed, it’s time to return to basics and try new ideas to find your center and return to the kind-hearted qualities that will keep you afloat during chaotic, unpredictable times.
Here are five signs of a truly kind-hearted person:
1. They 'tend and befriend'
Let me tell you about "tend and befriend." Some 15 years ago, a group of female researchers at UCLA decided to study why their response to stress in their workplace was to come together and schmooze over coffee while their male colleagues were more apt to hole up in their offices and stew. What they discovered was groundbreaking.
Men and women release a boatload of hormones when under stress. For men, a big one is testosterone, which triggers the "fight or flight" response (like hibernating in your office). At the same time, for women (and this was the eye-opener), it's oxytocin — otherwise known as the "hugging hormone" — which prompts them to "tend" to others and to gather in community, hence “tend and befriend”.
But don’t panic, guys. Even if you aren’t equipped with the same level of this nurturing hormone, you’ve still got a choice to dig a little deeper and reach out when you’re stressed out. You don’t have to get all touchy if that’s not your style, but being with people can open your heart and calm your frazzled nervous system.
One big caveat. Connecting obsessively via social media does not count, nor does binge on the Internet/TV news! Take those all in small doses and know when to "step away from the screen."
2. They practice gratitude and random acts of kindness
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"What?" you say. "How could I possibly find anything to be grateful for in all this chaos?"
You may not see an upside in a particularly stressful area, but that’s not all of your life. Human beings are complex creatures. We compartmentalize and can hold several different emotions at the same time, so step back and take a breath.
When was the last time you told your mom, child, brother, or favorite aunt that you love them? How about your oldest friend, who has always been there? What do you appreciate about your long-term mentor or a valued employee?
Let them know specifically what they mean to you and how grateful you are for their presence in your life. Those conversations are guaranteed to lift you as well.
Engage in some sweet, simple acts of kindness with someone else you know or maybe with a stranger. A basket of fruit or flowers on their desk; an anonymous card with a free movie pass; a "mysterious" love note with no return address. If you’ve ever done anything like that, you know how much it tickles you to be the giver, almost as much as it does on the receiving end.
3. They embody openness
What do I mean by that? First, take a moment and scan your body to determine where you typically carry stress — chances are you already know. Are you prone to headaches or backaches? Does your stomach do somersaults, or does your heart do flip-flops?
Once you’ve identified your physical stress points, sit quietly and breathe deeply and slowly into the area. If you can place one or both hands on that spot, you can feel and maybe even coax your breath there.
And if you want to take it a step further, you can concentrate on inhaling calmness and healing and exhaling stress and tightness. If all else fails, simply place both hands on your heart, focus your attention there, and keep breathing.
The HeartMath Institute has offered research-based, practical, and reliable tools for over 25 years to help people align and connect their hearts, minds, and emotions to reduce stress and increase well-being. So definitely check them out for more ideas.
Another way to bring open-heartedness to your body is to practice some heart-opening yoga poses, and I promise you don’t have to be an advanced yogi to do these! Cow pose, upward-facing dog, and modified camel pose are simple ones that don’t require bending into a pretzel.
4. They sing in the shower, but also (and especially) with other people
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Full disclosure, this is my favorite. I’ve been a choral singer since I was a kid and even sang in a women’s chorus at the Women’s March in NYC. I’ve got a strong voice but have never taken a voice lesson, so I’ll never be a soloist, and that’s fine.
Even so, I’ve always said singing is my therapy of choice (well, maybe tied with yoga). It turns out that’s not so off-base. There are now many studies that show the positive effects of singing on the brain and heart. Group singing has been scientifically proven to lower stress, relieve anxiety, and elevate endorphins.
If the thought of singing with other people terrifies you, go ahead and sing in the shower, around the house, or with a tennis racket, riffing with Aretha, Springsteen, Beyoncé, or whoever jazzes you.
Even solitary singing has terrific physical benefits because it’s an aerobic activity that increases oxygenation in the bloodstream and exercises major muscle groups in and around your heart, even when you’re sitting. So go ahead and sing your heart out!
5. They create a nurturing physical environment at work and home
When "out there" feels chaotic and out of your control, you can still create a sense of sanctuary in your little world. I often work with clients who are in some career or personal transition (it’s usually several at once) and one of the things we do is to brainstorm ways that they can create simple, sacred spaces to retreat to, a place where they can feel supported and safe to open their hearts and feel their feelings.
Think in terms of activating all of your senses. Play some quiet music, light a candle, and set up a soothing tabletop water fountain. Have a cup of chamomile tea nearby and play with some aromatherapy.
Smell is the most evocative of all of the senses because it’s directly connected to your limbic system. The limbic system is the seat of all of your memories and emotions. So, if you’re a beach lover, have a bottle of suntan lotion handy to transplant yourself to mellower, more relaxing times!
Or if you want to experiment with essential oils, get yourself an aromatherapy lamp and try burning bergamot, ginger, or frankincense oil to supplement your gratitude practice (see #2 above.) Rose, geranium, lavender, and sandalwood are classic oils to open your heart center.
It’s way too easy to be thrown off-course when everything around you is in upheaval, and the future is uncertain. It just takes a little imagination and a commitment to stop the downward spiral before it sucks you in.
Consider which of these ideas resonates most with you so the next time you feel your shoulders drooping and your heart closing up, you can whip out one of your new tools and bring yourself back into balance.
Deborah Roth is a career/life transition coach, relationship coach, and interfaith minister with over 35 years of experience coaching, training, and speaking.