7 Subtle Signs Of A Man Who Will Never Actually Commit
Don't excuse these behaviors as insignificant.
The Carlos Gutierrez Collection | Canva Ok, be honest, if you are reading this article, you are wondering if your guy has commitment issues, and you just want to know. Good for you! Better to look for the signs sooner than later so you can move on and find the love you seek.
Of course, it’s not just guys who have commitment phobia — many women do, too. But it seems it is an issue more often with guys, which is a whole other topic.
Here are 7 subtle signs of a man who will never actually commit
1. He doesn’t want to meet your friends and family
For men who have commitment issues, they often won’t want to meet their partner’s friends or families. To some extent, this is a sign of good character because once the families are involved, things change, but it's not someone who wants to be in a relationship.
When you want to introduce your guy to a friend or family member, does he make excuses? Does he disappear when a loved one visits? Does he insist his friends are busy if you want to meet them? Does he say he just wants to spend time alone with you, and it is more important to him?
If your guy does any of these things, it’s a sign he is commitment-phobic. He knows by getting to know your friends and family, he is taking the relationship to another level, something he just doesn’t want to do because he isn’t sure he wants to stay.
So, pay attention to whether he wants to meet your friends and family, and don’t take that he wants to only spend time with you as an excuse. It might feel good, but it’s not a sign of a relationship with a future.
2. He doesn’t talk about the future
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When you were first together, did your guy sometimes talk about the future? What would you do together, and how much fun would you have? Does he not so much now? When you bring up the future, does he refuse to engage? Even worse, when he brings up the future, does he not mention you?
A guy who doesn’t talk about the future is a guy who doesn’t want to commit, as explored by Emery, L. F., and Le, B. He is a guy who is hedging his bets, enjoying the time he has with you now but with one foot out the door.
Don’t take this as him just going along one day at a time, as he might be saying. He most likely isn’t all in, but he wants to have fun in the meantime.
3. He tells you he wants to take things slowly
Like a guy who doesn’t want to talk about the future, a guy who says they want to take things slowly is someone who isn’t all in.
For a guy who wants a relationship, he works hard to be in it. He meets your family, is there when you need him, doesn’t disappear, and makes excuses. Someone who says they want to take things slowly is someone who doesn’t want to commit.
Remember when you were dating another guy and at the end of a date, your date told you he wanted to take things slowly and then never called you again? See, it’s just an excuse.
So, don’t make excuses for why your guy wants to talk things slowly. If he isn’t ready to jump in with two feet, he isn’t ready at all.
4. He is emotionally unavailable
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When you try to talk about emotional stuff, does your guy shut down? When you want to talk about the relationship or how you are feeling, does he make excuses to get out of the conversation and refuse to reengage if you ask him to?
For men, showing their emotions can be difficult, and for a guy who doesn’t want to commit, making the effort to do so just isn’t worth it. After all, why spend time doing something difficult if you don’t have to?
And, while he cares about you enough to spend time with you and be intimate with you, he doesn’t care enough to engage emotionally, as suggested by the Handbook of Relationship Initiation. And that is a huge red flag.
So, be honest with yourself. Does your guy avoid conversations to do with your relationship or your feelings? If he does, he could very well be commitment-phobic.
5. You are feeling insecure in the relationship
Again, you are here, reading this article. Chances are, if you are doing so, you are feeling insecure in your relationship.
Most women know when their guy doesn’t want a committed relationship, they just hope things will change. They hope if they just try hard enough, love their guy enough, and get their friends to like them and take care of them, their guy will fall in love with them.
What I can promise you is none of these things will happen. If a guy doesn’t want to commit, you going out of your way to make him love you will only push him away.
Don’t ignore this red flag. A healthy relationship is supposed to make someone feel secure and loved. If you don’t feel this way, it’s a huge sign your guy just doesn’t want to stick around forever.
6. They aren’t great communicators
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On top of not being emotionally available, guys who are afraid of being in a relationship are guys who are not great communicators.
They are guys who might disappear for a few days, text less than usual, or spend lots of time away from you with their friends. The key part is they don’t tell you about it. They just do their own thing and leave you wondering what is going on.
What does this do? It tells you they aren’t into you because a guy who is into a woman is a guy who will communicate. The Handbook of Communication and Social Interaction Skills demonstrates how he will have enough respect for her that he will tell her what he is doing and when he won’t be available.
So, don’t make excuses for your guy’s lack of communication. Don’t think he is pulling back so he can think about his feelings for you. Don’t tell yourself it’s good that everyone has total independence in a relationship, and it is a healthy sign. It’s not!
7. He picks fights
Guys who aren’t all in are guys who will be moody and pick fights that don’t need to be picked.
They will be impatient and condescending. They will gaslight you and make you feel like everything is your fault, as explained by a qualitative analysis in the Personal Relationships Journal. They will make you feel insecure and unsure of yourself.
And, for many guys, the reason they do this is so you will break up with them.
One of many men’s worst traits is they don’t want to hurt a woman by breaking up with them, so they breadcrumb and treat her badly, hoping their woman will break up with them. When I try to explain the disparity of this argument to men, they just don’t get it. So they do it over and over.
Does your guy pick fights? Do you feel like he isn’t the person who you fell for but a new crabby person you are tiptoeing around? If yes, it could be a sign he is commitment-phobic, and I want to warn you not to make excuses for your guy and his behavior.
Don’t think if you just love him enough, things will change. If your guy is displaying any or all of these signs, walk away. Walk away and find the love you deserve! You can do it!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.