30 Red Flags In Relationships That Point To Someone Controlling You
No one should settle for anything less than a loving, healthy relationship.
Fatma Sarıgül | Unsplash Sadly, many people are oblivious to the red flags of a controlling relationship, while others recognize the warning signs but remain in denial that someone is trying to control them.
The signs can be so subtle, that it's easy to excuse them as rough patches all relationships go through. It's easy to lose yourself when your love for somebody else consumes your entire being, but you can, and should, feel that you can love without compromising your well-being.
Here are red flags in relationships that point to someone controlling you:
1. You make excuses for your partner
You'll want to come to your significant other's defense because you care about them and, as much as you hate to admit it because you care about what others think about your relationship. It's not your responsibility, however, to justify their bad behavior.
2. You have to hide things from your partner
You know what will set them off, but you shouldn't have to lie or sneak around to avoid upsetting them. Trust is the foundation of a successful relationship and you're bound for bigger trouble if they find out you've been keeping things.
3. There's a lack of respect
Any partnership should have mutual respect, period. If they're decent human beings, they will treat you with the utmost respect without question. Never tolerate anything less.
4. You can't fully be yourself
You should never have to suppress certain parts of yourself to make your significant other accept you, as supported by a 2006 psychological study. If they can't love all of you, then they don't deserve you.
5. You'll do whatever it takes to avoid fights
You might think you're helping your relationship by letting things go, but not addressing the issues as they appear will have consequences later. The fear of breaking up or getting into another argument isn't reason enough to be passive.
6. You have to ask permission
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It's nice to consider your partner's thoughts and feelings when making decisions, but it shouldn't be only one of you who can give the go-ahead. You should have full freedom to do what you want.
7. You're always fearful you're doing something wrong
That constant anxiety of not knowing the state of your relationship can be debilitating, and is an indication of psychological abuse as shown by a study in The Journal of Family Violence.
"Are they mad at me?" "What did I do this time?" These are not questions that one should have to worry about in a healthy partnership.
8. Your significant other makes you feel bad about yourself
A little jab here and a condescending tone there are unacceptable. If your partner loves you, they will never put you down.
9. You find relief in the thought of breaking up
Sure, it may sound nice to have some space between the two of you now and then. But if being without your partner completely sounds like an even better choice, run with it.
10. Your partner always blames you
It's exhausting and unfair to always have to take the fall for any bumps in your relationship. If your partner can't take responsibility for their mistakes, it's not your job to fix it all. Pointing the finger is easier than owning up to it.
11. People say you're not yourself
Your friends and family will probably notice any changes in you before you do. There can be shifts in your mood, personality, or even deeper traits in you that you may be completely blind to.
Your significant other can rub off on you after spending a lot of time together, and sometimes that may be for the worse.
12. You bring out the worst in each other
Two people in a relationship should inspire each other to be their best selves. They shouldn't act as a trigger for the other even when they do know exactly which buttons to push. You'll never be completely happy together if your dark halves often come out.
13. Your work life is negatively affected by your relationship
Staying in contact with each other throughout the day can have its benefits but only to a certain extent. Constant check-ups are a sign of distrust, and fighting via text disturbs productivity at work.
Being unable to separate your personal life and professional life ruins your focus and mood.
14. Your relationship feels like a constant roller coaster
Some stay in an unhealthy relationship because it never gets boring. Without being aware of it, they might even find a thrill in always being kept on their toes. But for a couple to happily survive, there needs to be stability.
15. You're afraid to speak up
It's a major problem if you don't have a say in your relationship. If having an opinion is enough to spark a fight, you are not in a good place.
This is a tricky one. Consider your mental health and how it could be affecting your relationship.
A study published in the Journal of Anxiety Disorders found that those who didn’t have social anxiety and freely expressed their emotions to their partner, including negative ones, were happier overall in their relationships. However, those who did have social anxiety and hid their negative emotions experienced happier relationships.
16. You can picture yourself being happier
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You probably could have skipped all the signs before this last one to answer the question of whether you should get out of your relationship. At the end of the day, nothing else matters if you're unhappy with someone else.
If you don't see improvement and you feel like you deserve more, then what are you waiting for?
17. Your needs are on the back burner
Your relationship should not revolve around one person. Your wants and needs are equally as important and you should feel comfortable voicing them. If your partner is unwilling to compromise, you're in a dictatorship.
18. There are more negatives than positives
A relationship should be easy and fun. When it's a constant uphill battle, the occasionally good moments might make it seem like it's worth staying when, in reality, it's not worth any more effort.
19. You've started questioning your self-worth
No one should ever make you feel like you're anything less or unworthy. A caring partner should remind you of how much you mean to them and how amazing you are, even if you don't require the reminders.
20. It's clear your relationship is imbalanced
In a healthy, respectful relationship, no single person should have complete control or say. A partnership is just that — a partnership.
21. You feel like you're stuck
The fear of being alone or being unable to find someone better than your current partner can be paralyzing. You can't imagine a life without them, even if that life may not be ideal.
22. Your partner gives you ultimatums
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The threat of breaking up with you is a manipulative way for one to maintain control — don't fall for it. It means they're insecure and have no other means to stay in power.
23. There's no trust
Regardless of how strong a relationship is, a lack of trust will be its downfall. The power of doubt can weaken a foundation and easily cloud any of the positive aspects.
Insecurity may result in the inability to trust one's partner, and in turn, cause them to become controlling and manipulative.
24. You're too forgiving
It's easy to let things go if your significant other, who rarely shows affection, actually does show affection. But it can become a cycle of repeated behavior and make them think they can get away with anything.
25. Your social life has taken a downturn
A healthy relationship has a balance of time spent together and apart. Investing all your energy into your partner can make you ignore everyone else and push loved ones out of your life.
26. You've felt unsafe with your partner at any point
Regardless of it being in the heat of the moment or a "one-time thing," you should never, ever feel or be threatened.
27. You change your opinions to fit theirs
When one person has so much influence in the relationship, their values and opinions will undoubtedly shape yours.
If your partner imposes their beliefs on you rather than respecting your own, you might even start thinking in the same way and become convinced that you're in the wrong.
28. You dwell on the past instead of moving forward
Your relationship will be at a standstill if previous issues are constantly being resurfaced. You won't be able to grow as a couple if you're stuck in relationships past.
It's easy to bring up an already-resolved problem in the heat of the moment, but don't let it become ammunition — or else your significant other can use it to get their way.
29. You fight often
Even the happiest of couples have their moments, but if it's a daily war zone, how happy can you two be? Don't mistake fighting for passion.
30. You're emotionally drained constantly
If all your energy is being put toward arguing or trying to keep your partner satisfied, that's a problem. A healthy relationship is happy and fulfilling.
Healthy relationships are worth the work, with scientific evidence to back it up. A study in the Personal Relationships Journal found those who were in committed relationships experienced mental health issues and were less likely to be overweight or obese, and they reported having greater well-being overall.
Being in a respectful partnership should honestly be the bare minimum you ask for from someone you love and who says they love you. Every healthy relationship needs to be an equal partnership, where both partners are committed to improving themselves and applying those benefits to the relationship itself.
If your relationship isn’t where it needs to be right now, both of you have to be ready and willing to do what it takes to get it to a good place. You or your significant other may wish to seek professional help or choose to attend couples therapy (or both).
When taking on major issues, some guidance and assistance with navigating these complexities could prove incredibly valuable toward your chances of achieving your relationship goals.
However, if you and your partner continue to struggle with establishing a healthier relationship, or one or both of you discover that you have significant hurdles to overcome that take priority and time to do some serious self-work, then prepare yourself for the reality that it may be time to let go.
If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates.
Nicole Yi is the Former Associate Editor for PopSugar Fitness.