Psychology Says These 5 Phrases Might Be The Reason Your Friendships Turn Into Ghost Towns
Why people keep dropping you.
Guillaume Bolduc | Unsplash Ever wonder why some friendships seem to vanish into thin air? Psychology suggests that it's not always a dramatic falling-out or an external event — it can start with seemingly casual phrases that gradually erode trust and connection.
When conversations repeatedly include dismissive or hurtful language, friends may feel invalidated, alienated, or exhausted by the negativity. Take a close look at five common phrases that research shows could quietly sabotage your relationships. From excuses masked as conversation starters to offhand comments that dismiss genuine feelings, these toxic expressions pave the way for ghost town friendships.
Psychology says these 5 phrases might be the reason your friendships turn into ghost towns:
1. 'I’m just trying to have a conversation…'
This phrase is insidious because we all know that the people saying it aren’t just "having a conversation." They’re usually venting rage about topics that are triggering to many people.
Even if it’s not the typical hate-filled spewage, the problem with this phrase is that it’s only said when they keep steering the conversation to stuff people don’t want to talk about.
If it’s clear that a conversation is agitating people, stop talking about it. By continuing the conversation, you’re doing nothing but making people uncomfortable and alienating yourself.
Moreover, those people you’re trying to talk to (cause you’re not talking to them) do not owe you a conversation. They don’t. So, don’t act like they’re being unreasonable when you’re being obnoxious about it. If you want to rage at other people about politics or uncomfortable subjects, find a community that lets you do that.
2. 'I was only joking, jeez, stop being so sensitive!'
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You know, jokes are supposed to be funny. Whenever people say this stuff, it’s always after they say something that was purposefully hurtful, or just not thoughtful to the people around them.
Like, dude. We know you weren’t totally joking. Stop backpedaling and own the fact that you’re trying to get a reaction.
I tend to stop hanging out after hearing this phrase for the first time. If you’ve been wondering why people stopped inviting you, making awful "jokes" and backpedaling might be why.
Telling someone this can damage relationships because it lacks empathy and validation. A 2019 study found that it can lead to feelings of invalidation and potentially reinforce the behavior you're trying to change. Instead of telling someone to 'stop being sensitive,' try to understand their perspective and validate their feelings, even if you don't fully agree with their reaction.
3. 'Oh, you’re wearing THAT here? You’re brave…'
I saw this a lot with people in my former jobs in New York — all fashionable and trendy. Well, there were a lot of girls there who played the "Mean Girl" role pretty well as a way of keeping others in line.
Incidentally, none of them remained friends after they stopped working there. Those who did were often part of the same clique minus the ringleader.
Yours truly ended up remaining in contact with several people who were fired, often for years afterward. Those who were HBIC, on the other hand, were not even involved in the fashion industry years later, and none of their cronies stayed in touch.
Truth be told, everyone eventually drops the girls who act like Queen Bee when the Queen Bee stops having power. Nobody likes them because they’re judgmental, hateful, and insecure.
4. '[Hate speech]'
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I’ll never understand why so many people feel like saying hateful things is a good idea, especially if they don’t know the person or know the person is friends with the group they’re hating on. Like, why? Hate begets hate. It’s the natural way things go.
If you’re going to be a hateful jerk, don’t be shocked when people distance themselves from you. It’s not becoming of you, and it puts people on edge.
What’s baffling about this is how many people don’t put two and two together about this. What’s even more impressive is that when people start to get radicalized toward hateful stuff, they begin to notice people walking away as a result. And it never seems to click!
Researchers have found that when someone consistently exhibits hateful or rude behavior, it's understandable that others will react by distancing themselves. People generally seek out positive and supportive relationships, and a pattern of negativity can damage those connections.
5. 'So, anyway, did you hear about that coworker?'
So, I’ll be the first to admit that I got to the point where I was desperate for acceptance at one job. I didn’t know how to make it happen, so I turned into the office gossip…which promptly ousted me from any chance of being in the inner circle.
I heard them talking back, so I wanted to show that I could do it, too. Welp, that backfired — horribly. Mea culpa, people. I learned my lesson. Gossip isn't charming, especially when you’re tearing others down behind their back.
I’m proud to say I stopped that stuff and grew as a person. I wish I had stuck to my principles before that.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.