If You Have No Close Friends, You Probably Display These 4 Ugly Habits
This subtle shift in your approach to life will greatly affect your friendships.
Krill Balobanov | Unsplash If you are like many adults, you might wonder why you have no friends. You might have noticed that, as a kid, you found it easy to make friends. But, as you've reached adulthood, your friends list may have dwindled.
Friendships play a central role in our emotional and social well-being. These habits aren’t an indictment but an opportunity for introspection and growth. If you’ve noticed difficulties forming close bonds, you might recognize some of these ugly habits in yourself.
If you have no close friends, you probably display these ugly habits:
1. You make assumptions
This could probably be the granddaddy of all the things humans can fall prey to, which can make their lives difficult. Making assumptions means making decisions or coming to a judgment based on limited information.
We assume we know enough to proceed. We drive out of the parking space, assuming no truck is driving past, and then wham! The assumption has created more problems for more people than anything. Lost relationships and jobs, huge arguments, criminal acts, and air disasters have arisen out of faulty assumptions.
Think of a time when you lost out because you assumed without confirming the facts. It’s very easy to do because it seems like a shortcut, and they can seem adequate when we make the ‘right’ choice.
But assumptions are always risks and stupid risks at that. Never assume. Have all the facts and double-check everything. This subtle shift in your approach to life will greatly minimize trouble — and gain you friends.
2. You hate confrontation
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One of the most common challenges my clients come to me with revolves around the difficulty we have with courageous communication. We don’t always want to admit it, but we hate confrontation.
And so we fail to say what needs to be said to ensure relationships and systems run smoothly. For example, Maggie is angry with Mike for always leaving his wet towel on the bed and grows resentful. She expected Mike to do as she wanted, but he continually failed to do it.
But her wishes were based on expectation. Never had a firm agreement been made in which Mike agreed to hang his towel up properly. If they’d agreed to it, and were Mike to fail to hang up the towel, Maggie could point to Mike falling short of his commitment — something he’d be keen to avoid.
So many communication breakdowns in the office and at home result from operating on expectations rather than agreements. Agreements, like contracts, ensure both parties are on the same page. It takes the personal element out of it. Expecting someone to do as you want them to is not enough.
It is the confrontation-avoiding method, and it will inevitably lead to disappointment. Where could you apply agreements with people to ensure more harmony in your life?
A 2023 study explained that relying on expectations rather than explicit agreements can lead to misunderstandings, psychological contract breaches, and adverse outcomes like reduced job satisfaction, lowered engagement, and increased conflict.
The psychological contract is a set of perceived promises and obligations between employers and employees, and relying on unspoken expectations can lead to breaches if those expectations aren't met, resulting in dissatisfaction and lower productivity.
3. You blame others for your problems
It might seem to empower you to blame other people for your woes. The guilt is transferred across, and you feel free ... for five minutes. Blame will eat you from the inside. You might not even be conscious of what blaming does for you, but ultimately, you’re communicating victim status.
Poor old me! Look at what I have to deal with! Look at how they’ve done me wrong. Forget who’s truly at fault. When you blame, your power as an autonomous and responsible entity is diminished.
You’re only making things harder for yourself by allocating blame. It reinforces the idea that you cannot affect change in your life. You are at the mercy of stuff and people outside of you. Blaming weakens you.
It only strengthens your sense of lack. Blame will guarantee ongoing hardship manifests itself boldly in your life. Instead, take ownership of everything, even stuff for which others were clearly at fault. This is empowering.
Now you are in control. Full ownership puts you in the driving seat again.
4. You rely on external validation
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We grow up with the sense that good things happen when other people are pleased with us. We got those jolts of joy from our parents or teachers when we were well-behaved and received hugs and smiles.
We are driven to seek validation from other people. As we move into adulthood, we begin to understand the downside to this approach to living well. If we need approval from others to feel good, we become deathly scared of attracting negative judgment from others too.
By this point in our lives, we have internalized the connection between our sense of worth and external validation. To come to this conclusion makes sense. Except that it doesn’t. Needing validation is a false, illusionary need that makes us miserable and stunted.
Instead, we need to nurture an ‘OKness’ with who we are regardless of our choices and what others think and say about us. This is true freedom. This means we can navigate life and be creative, unimpeded by external judgment. All we have is our deep knowing that we’re enough. And this *is* enough.
According to a 2022 study, excessive reliance on external validation can lead to low self-esteem, people-pleasing behaviors, anxiety, hindered personal growth, and an unhealthy dependence on others' opinions for self-worth. Just like any other compulsion, the positive feelings of praise and approval can become addictive, leading to a constant search for these external rewards, which can lead to disappointment and anxiety when they are not received.
Alex Mathers is a writer and coach who helps you build a money-making personal brand with your knowledge and skills while staying mentally resilient. He's the author of the Mastery Den newsletter, which helps people triple their productivity.