10 Phrases Secretly Controlling People Use To Keep Others In Check
While they might not raise their voices or issue direct commands, controlling individuals use certain statements to make others conform.
Gorodenkoff / Shutterstock It's never easy dealing with a controlling person. They rarely have your best interests at heart and often use manipulation and deception to keep others in line and on a pedestal that matches their expectations, which are often wildly unrealistic. In fact, all secretly controlling people need to do in order to keep others in check in utter a few specific phrases.
Not all controlling individuals raise their voices or use direct commands to get what they want from others. Research has shown that subtle manipulation, such as carefully crafted responses and phrases, can be far more effective at eliciting guilt and compliance than more overtly manipulatively behaviors — and who knows that better than someone who is skilled at being secretly controlling?
Here are 10 phrases secretly controlling people use to keep others in check
1. 'Don't take it personally'
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At first glance, someone telling another person not to take something personally may seem harmless or even considerate, but in actuality, it's a way to completely dismiss someone else's feelings and control their perception of the situation. They're wholeheartedly trying to deflect taking responsibility and actively shutting down a discussion to work through conflict because they don't see themselves as the problem.
It's also a form of gaslighting, and if something has truly hurt your feelings or made you feel a type of way, you're more than entitled to find an issue with it, despite how someone else is trying to make you feel.
2. 'If you really cared, you would...'
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This phrase is often used by controlling individuals when they're trying to manipulate someone else into doing something they may not want to do. Someone may frame this phrase as a way to guilt someone into doing something by presenting it as if they're being selfish for refusing. It can sometimes make it hard for someone to put their foot down without feeling as if they're the bad person in the situation.
Dr. Michele Leno, licensed psychologist and talk show host, explained that guilt-tripping is a form of manipulation or playing "the blame game." Once someone succumbs to guilt-tripping, they become an "emotional hostage," as Dr. Leno puts it.
"A person may guilt-trip to emotionally blackmail, avoid change, get their needs met, and make one feel inferior," she explained. "Guilt-trippers have a hard time accepting responsibility for their behavior. It's generally a selfish act that one implements, subconsciously or with total awareness, to gain compliance."
3. 'You're too sensitive'
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There's nothing wrong with being a sensitive and emotional person, but a controlling individual might try to use that against you to dismiss your feelings and invalidate the fact that you might've been hurt by something they've said. Rather than taking accountability and apologizing for hurting your feelings, these individuals will try to shift the blame and make it your fault for taking things to heart.
Being sensitive is actually a superpower. In studies involving both humans and monkeys, the subjects who are sensitive — based on having gene variants associated with sensitivity — tend to outperform others on a variety of cognitive tasks, particularly those that require noticing patterns and using them to predict outcomes and make smart decisions.
So, the next time someone tries to make you feel inadequate and less than for being sensitive, just remember that it's a reflection of what they think of themselves.
4. 'I was just joking!'
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This phrase used by a controlling individual is often used as a cover-up to avoid taking responsibility and accountability for a cruel "joke," aggressive comment, or insult that they hurled at someone else. It's used as a way to try and make the other person feel as if they're overreacting and invalid in their feelings, but the truth of the matter is, that just because something was said as a joke doesn't mean that it was taken that way.
Karina Schumann, PhD, an associate professor of psychology and chair of the social psychology program at the University of Pittsburgh explained that apologies after hurting someone's feelings are incredibly important.
"Some apologies are lacking quite a bit. But if they're given from the heart and if they're really genuine and sincere in the way they're offered and in their intention, even if the words aren't perfect, they can go a really long way to showing the person that you care about them, and that you want to make amends and repair the relationship to what it was before the harm was done," she stated.
5. 'Everyone agrees with me'
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A controlling individual might use this phrase at another person as a way to get them to conform by pointing out that everyone else in the room may agree with them on a certain topic or discussion, even if that's not really the case. They are attempting to manipulate someone else into feeling insecure about their opinion by creating this false sense of peer pressure to get them to agree because controlling individuals refuse to be disagreed with.
Psychologist Rick Hanson, Ph.D., explained that accepting people doesn't always mean agreeing with them, but you can still accept what they have to say. "You can still take appropriate actions to protect or support yourself or others. Or you can simply let people be," he said.
"Either way, you accept the reality of the other person. You may not like it, you may not prefer it, you may feel sad or angry about it, but at a deeper level, you are at peace with it. That alone is a blessing. And sometimes, your shift to acceptance can help things get better," he concluded.
6. 'That's just how things are'
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A controlling person may use this phrase as a way to excuse their behavior or circumstances with another person instead of encouraging an open conversation. Rather than owning up to a problem or explaining why something is the way it is, these individuals will instead dismiss someone else's concern because they would rather than that control than break down their actions.
Dr. Sharon Martin explained that accepting responsibility and accountability for our actions is a great way to show that we have a mature understanding of our emotions, stating, "Owning your mistakes is also important relationally. When we repair the damage or harm we’ve caused, we build stronger, healthier relationships. In comparison, denying responsibility deteriorates trust and goodwill."
7. 'You're lucky I put up with you'
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A controlling person thrives on being able to exert their dominance over others, and by using this phrase, they're able to force another person to question their self-worth by making them feel unworthy and burdensome. The truth of the matter is that the controlling individual in the situation is the one who lacks an understanding of boundaries and clearly has no respect for you if they're tossing this phrase in your face.
By making it seem as if they're doing you a favor by putting up with you, they're holding power over you to continue mistreating and invalidating how you feel. You shouldn't have to put up with someone in your life constantly making you feel as if you owe them for being around.
8. 'I hate to bring this up, but...'
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While this phrase may come across as someone attempting to be considerate of another person's feelings, it's actually a way for a controlling individual to frame themselves as caring when, in reality, they have zero compassion or empathy for hurting someone else's feelings. Most of the time, when someone starts off a sentence like this, they're gearing up to deliver a harsh line of criticism.
If someone truly didn't want to bring something up because of how it would make someone else feel, then they wouldn't acknowledge it before immediately diving in. Difficult conversations should be handled with respect for how the other person may react, not used as a tool to make someone feel bad just as a way to avoid accountability and self-reflection.
9. 'I just want what's best for you'
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By a controlling person claiming that they only want what's best for you, they're simply using it as a way to continue exhibiting power and authority over the decisions that you're making. If someone truly did care about having your best intentions at heart, they would be encouraging, compassionate, and empathetic, instead of being manipulative and only using this phrase when it benefited them.
Any controlling individual just wants to have autonomy over you, and they'll do it by any means necessary. Even if it means disguising themselves as someone who's in your corner and rooting for you when in reality, they might just be rooting for your downfall.
10. 'If you loved me, you would...'
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If a controlling individual uses this phrase on you, they're attempting to blackmail and coerce you into doing things their way by holding the value of your love hostage. They're weaponizing how much you care about them as a way to manipulate even though love should never be conditional or transactional.
If someone truly did love and respect you, they would never want you to do something that would make you uncomfortable or uneasy. They would not only respect your boundaries but listen to your concerns and be an advocate for you being able to express yourself and your autonomy.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.