5 Phrases Emotionally Intelligent People Use To Show They Care Without Saying 'Sorry', According To A Behavioral Expert
Ways to comfort someone instead of saying 'I'm sorry'.
Bricolage | Shutterstock Navigating grief isn't easy for anyone, and that includes supportive loved ones. The knee-jerk reaction when someone we care about is hurting is to immediately say, "I’m sorry." But what if that word, though well-intentioned, isn’t actually the best way to show empathy?
Behavioral expert Amelia Meskerem took to TikTok to challenge the overuse of “sorry” when it comes to supporting others and offered a more emotionally intelligent approach. She argued that emotionally intelligent people can show they care much more effectively without apologies, and shared five phrases emotionally intelligent people say instead of 'sorry':
1. 'That’s so awful'
Sometimes, people are upset because of things completely outside of your control. So instead of taking ownership of their pain through an apology, Meskerem suggested ditching “I’m sorry you had to go through that” in favor of the much more straightforward, "That’s so awful." It acknowledges their pain and shows empathy without implying that you, personally, caused their distress.
2. 'I can only imagine how frustrating that must be'
When people share their struggles, it’s tempting to jump in with “I understand” or "I get it," but unless you’ve lived through the same thing, those words can sound hollow. Instead, try saying, “I can only imagine how frustrating that must be.”
This doesn’t just validate their feelings — it also shows that you’re trying to empathize with their frustration without claiming to fully understand. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is be the emotional equivalent of a good, nonjudgmental shoulder to cry on.
3. 'How can I support you?'
Now, here’s where you can really shine. Instead of just giving sympathy, offer support. Meskerem advised dropping the tired old “I’m sorry” in favor of asking, “How can I support you?” This phrase actively puts the ball in their court and lets them decide what they need — whether that’s a hug, a cup of tea, or just someone to sit quietly with them.
The impulse to say "sorry" instead of actually being supportive only devalues actual apologies when they are warranted. Saying sorry certainly doesn't help someone struggling if you didn't cause them that pain.
Offering support avoids trying to fix the other person's sadness — something that can't necessarily be accomplished. Sometimes, people don’t want solutions; they want someone to listen and simply be there. Asking how you can support them puts the focus where it belongs: on them and their needs.
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4. 'I hate that you have to experience this'
When someone goes through a particularly difficult situation, acknowledging the inherent unfairness can be incredibly validating. "I hate that you have to experience this" directly confronts the injustice of their situation and expresses your genuine empathy.
This phrase doesn’t imply blame; it simply shows that you recognize the difficulty of what they’re going through and want to show solidarity. That solidarity is what true support and empathy are all about. If a friend is confronted with a scary medical diagnosis, for example, they don't want to hear you apologize to them — they want you to rage about the injustice of it all with them.
5. 'That must have been incredibly difficult'
Sometimes, the best way to empathize is by recognizing how much emotional work they’ve had to do. By saying, “That must have been incredibly difficult,” you’re not only acknowledging their hardship but also validating the emotional toll it’s taken on them.
Writing for VeryWellmind, psychosocial Rehabilitation Specialist Kendra Cherry, MSEd explained, "Before truly empathizing with someone, you need to understand where they are coming from. This means taking the time to see things from their perspective and trying to understand their motivations and feelings."
Sympathizing with a loved one's emotional turmoil is a meaningful way of showing that you understand the emotional weight they’re carrying — without making it about you or offering unsolicited advice. Saying “sorry” to someone in emotional distress brushes off their pain by putting the focus back on yourself.
Erika Ryan is a writer working on her bachelor's degree in Journalism. She is based in Florida and covers relationships, psychology, self-help, and human interest topics.
