6 Way More Productive Things To Say Than Just 'I'm Sorry'
An apology means nothing without connection.
pixelshot via Canva One of the hardest things in the world is to admit when we are wrong, and — even when an apology is in order — sometimes saying sorry just isn't enough.
Psychotherapist Matthias James Barker had some advice about what to say instead of "I'm sorry":
“Don’t start with I’m sorry. Building back trust doesn’t come from them knowing how you feel, it comes from them feeling seen by you.”
Delving deeper, Barker outlines six things you should say before uttering the words, “I’m sorry.”
6 More Productive Things To Say Than Just 'I'm Sorry'
1. "What do you wish I acknowledged?"
Barker directs individuals to not fixate on the intention behind your actions, rather “focus on their experience of your actions.” In short, take some accountability!
When we are able to take accountability, we demonstrate our commitment to honesty and vulnerability within that relationship. In turn, this creates an environment where both trust and dependability lead your relationship.
What happens when we refuse to take accountability?
Opting to blame our loved ones, can lead to an unhealthy relationship dynamic in the long run — causing your loved one to shut down, and preventing any chance to discuss the situation in the future.
If this is you, you may be wondering how to stop blaming your partner and start taking accountability. It all starts with increasing your emotional intelligence!
“In other words, you must up your ability to be self-reflecting rather than reactive in these situations," says psychologist Catherine Aponte, Psy.D.
2. "How did it feel when I said that?"
Social Emotional Learning (SEL) serves as a valuable compass, guiding us through social situations and allowing us to better connect with our loved ones. A huge component of SEL is perspective-taking, which allows us to perceive the world from someone else’s viewpoint.
The power of perspective-taking is in its ability to prevent misunderstanding and foster productive conversations.
By incorporating this into your life, it can demonstrate to your loved ones just how much you really care for them. This can unintentionally ripple into having a more respectful and trustworthy relationship with them.
If you are unsure where to begin, start by actively listening to your loved one. Pose questions that form deeper conversations and practice empathy by imagining their thoughts and feelings.
This will not only strengthen your connection in the long run but also equip you with a valuable tool for navigating other relational challenges.
3. "What was the most important thing you wanted me to notice in that moment?"
In moments of tension, it’s easy to deflect and use the convenient excuse of being under pressure to avoid addressing the real hurt.
When you ask, “What did you want me to notice?” you’re openly acknowledging a disconnect on your part.
What may seem trivial to you at first can be huge in the grand scheme of things.
Human beings need connection to thrive. According to UC Berkeley Executive Education, “Research has shown that the psychological and physical health benefits of social contact are so great that they can even outweigh the harmful effects of other risk factors and boost life expectancy."
The power of connection cannot be emphasized enough. When we neglect connections, we can unintentionally isolate our loved ones, leaving them grappling with feelings of loneliness.
So being intentional about connecting — especially when there is tension — is a huge part of facing issues head-on.
4. "What were you hoping I would understand?"
Feeling misunderstood is tough — and it really stings when the people closest to us just aren't seeing and hearing us.
Have you ever found yourself in a heated discussion with a family member, only to feel like your entire point was brushed aside and burned to the ground? It’s a feeling that can add an extra layer of hurt.
Psychologist Leon F. Seltzer says, "Without experiencing that others know us, or are able to, we’re left feeling alone — at times, despairingly so. It’s a bleak place to be and can lead to feelings of emptiness and despondency.”
Research shows that this feeling of loneliness and not being understood can also increase our stress levels and even cause sleeping disorders. This is why it's crucial to show your loved one that they are — or have the ability to be — understood.
5. "What reassurance were you looking for?"
Experiencing reassurance in your relationship is key to strengthening your bond. And if we are being truthful, all of us may need a little reassurance from time to time.
Be it affirmations, physical affection, or quality time together, all of this can contribute to creating a safe and secure environment for your loved one.
Beyond that, reassurance is a catalyst for communication and building trust in your relationship, instilling confidence within your loved one.
Recognizing the importance of addressing any lack of reassurance during difficult times, allows us to meet their needs in the future. Which in turn, helps build a continuous cycle of love and understanding in our long-term commitments.
6. "How did you hope I would respond in that moment?"
We often underestimate the importance of being kind, especially when we are in the heat of the moment. Harsh words can become stones that can break an already fragile relationship.
So, when we ask our loved ones “How did you hope I would respond?” you may hear something along the lines of, “with more kindness.”
“Showing kindness is known to help us build social bonds, increase trust and acceptance in our relationships, and increase our overall happiness," writes Utah State University professor April Litchford.
You may be thinking right now, “Why do I have to be kind? They were also mean to me.”
Though it may be frustrating to play the bigger person, people who put more effort into being kind on a daily basis were reported to be much happier in their lives.
What we say and when we say it matters.
Of course, we shouldn't stop saying, "I'm sorry," but Barker makes a great case for not just saying something else, but doing more, too.
"It's crucial to remember that genuine apologies and willingness to repair should be accompanied with changed behavior... Because this behavioral shift is what ultimately solidifies the process of healing and trust-building in a relationship."
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career and family topics.