8 Phrases To Say To The People You Love When They Are Overwhelmed And Don't Know What To Do
Don't let fear of saying the wrong thing hold you back.
Josep Suria | Shutterstock In every relationship, there’s a certain give and take that exists between people. Sometimes, we provide support, and other times, we need support.
Divya Robin, a therapist and mental health educator, explained how co-regulation can help someone center themselves if they’re in a heightened emotional state.
She offered examples of how to practice co-regulation, to help the people you love when they don't know what they need.
Here are 8 phrases to say to someone you love when they’re overwhelmed and don’t know what to do:
1. Your feelings are valid
“Emotional overwhelm is inevitable, so the practice of supporting and working through tough emotional experiences can create increased connection,” Robin said.
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“Co-regulating is very tied to emotional intelligence, so for someone to be able to sit, support, and talk you through tough emotions, they have to be able to experience their own emotions,” she continued.
Helping another person calm down from a heightened emotional state can be done through a practice called co-regulation.
A Canadian therapist named Simone defined co-regulation as using “Our relationship with someone else to regulate ourselves,” noting, “This is how we regulate as babies.”
“One person’s nervous system can have an impact on another person’s nervous system,” she continued. “It is most effective when you have some sort of attachment to the person, whether that’s friendship or family or intimate.”
The first step to co-regulating is to validate the person’s emotions and acknowledge that they deserve to take up space and express how they feel, even if those feelings are difficult or scary.
2. You’re not alone
Let your loved one know that you’re there with them, and you’ll work through the hard feelings they’re having together.
One way to guide someone through anxiety is to brainstorm ways you can support them. This might mean that you suggest different tactics until they find ones that fit, or it might mean that they write out a list of things that have helped them in the past.
Brainstorming provides tangible ways for you to help while giving agency back to the person in crisis.
3. Let’s go for a walk
Another approach to co-regulating is to go outside and take a walk while discussing hard topics.
There are countless benefits to moving our bodies. Walking is a movement that can make us feel better almost instantly.
Emilie Leyes, a brain trainer and hypnosis practitioner, shared three distinct ways walking can reduce stress.
“When we are walking outside, our eyes naturally scan back and forth and survey our environment,” Leyes said. “This movement is called bilateral stimulation, where essentially each side of the brain and body are stimulated separately.”
“Research shows that when we have that kind of bilateral movement, specifically in our eyes, it reduces the reactivity of the stress response [and] it minimizes negative thoughts,” she continued.
Leyes noted that changing our environment and going into nature “Can help us distance ourselves from the stressors in our lives.”
“Our brains rely heavily on environmental cues to determine how we think, feel, and behave, so if we’re constantly stressed in our home office, changing our environment and seeing something new can change the way that we think about things,” she explained.
Walking is an act of mobilization, which Leyes connected to the fight-or-flight response that activates when we’re stressed.
“Going outside and walking and getting our heart rate up can allow that stress response to move through and out of us,” she added.
4. Can I give you a hug?
Offering physical touch is another way to help someone ground themselves when they’re feeling anxious.
Hugging, holding hands, and cuddling are examples of non-verbal ways you can let someone know you’re there with them and that you love them.
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5. I can see that you’re overwhelmed
Feeling overwhelmed can be paralyzing, as your body and mind can freeze up. If someone you love is in this state, you can acknowledge what they’re going through and offer to take deep breaths together so they can stabilize themselves.
Doing breathwork is a simple and accessible way to calm the nervous system down.
6. Can we come back to this conversation when we feel grounded?
Robin shared this important phrase for people to use when they need to take space before they can offer emotional support.
In order to help someone you love move through a difficult conversation, it’s essential for you to be in a balanced emotional state. Robin suggested saying, “It’s important we make space for this, but I think we should regulate first.”
As much as we want to help our loved ones, we can’t pour from an empty cup, and we have to take care of ourselves before we can care for others.
7. What can we do to address this trigger together?
When someone is struggling with anxiety, ask them what they think the root of their emotion is.
Pinpointing the underlying causes of how they feel can help them break down big emotions into smaller, more manageable ones.
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8. Remember to take care of yourself.
This final phrase goes hand in hand with validating emotions. Reminding the person you love that they deserve to express their feelings helps them feel seen and held.
In moments of high anxiety, people often don’t feel worthy of self-care. Urge them to prioritize their needs, take breaks, and be gentle with themselves.
“As humans, we are meant to be connected,” Robin explained. “We are meant to sit through hard moments of life and endure them together.”
She noted that perfection doesn’t exist. While we might not say the exact right thing, the fact that we’re saying something at all shows that we care.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture and all things to do with the entertainment industry.