Psychology Says If You Can Master These 12 Skills, You Can Finally Free Yourself From A Painful Past
How to let go so you can find personal freedom.
Ron Lach | Canva Holding on to pain doesn’t fix anything. Replaying the past over and over again doesn’t change it, and wishing things were different doesn’t make it so. In some cases, especially when it comes to the past, all you can do is accept whatever it is you’re holding on to and then let it go.
That’s how everything changes. You have to let go of what is hurting you, even if it feels almost impossible. Deciding to hold on to the past will hold you back from creating a strong sense of self — a self that isn’t defined by your past, but rather by who you want to be.
If you can master these skills, you can finally free yourself from a painful past:
1. Understand the relationships you thought you’d have are often different than the ones you actually have
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We must accept the person we are in this moment and the way other people are, too. As time goes on, we continue to learn that things don’t always go as planned — actually, they pretty much never do.
And that’s okay: If you become aware of yourself and your part of your relationships, they will improve; however, you may also have to accept facts about certain people in your life. Practice gratitude, appreciation, and trust in the process.
2. Don’t be invested in the outcome, because it often leads to disappointment
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Expectations have a way of keeping us stuck because they lead us to fear certain outcomes. There are no guarantees in life, and there’s nothing we can do to get the outcomes we desire when dealing with others.
2023 research published in Frontiers in Psychology found that not being invested in the outcome when dealing with people is beneficial primarily because it helps mitigate the negative effects of attachment anxiety, reduces stress, and allows for more genuine interactions. It minimizes the need to control or manipulate situations to achieve a desired result.
Pay attention to your current experience rather than anticipating future results. Understand that not every interaction will go perfectly, and accept that some things are beyond your control.
When our expectations or needs aren’t met, we need to respond rationally and appropriately. Sometimes this means setting respectful boundaries; other times, it means letting go.
3. Don’t live in chains when you have the key
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We live with self-limiting beliefs that we let define who we are. We think, "I could never do that!" or "I could never make that happen!"
If you truly believe that, you’ll never accomplish your goals. Open up your mind, and believe in yourself. There will be many people who tell you that you can’t do it. It’s up to you to prove them wrong.
4. Let go of the idea that you can control others’ actions
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We only have control over ourselves and how we act. You can’t change another person, so don’t waste your time and energy trying.
Letting go of the idea that you can control others' actions is supported by the idea that attempting to do so can lead to stress, anxiety, damaged relationships, and a decreased sense of personal well-being while focusing on influencing your responses and behaviors within a situation is more productive and promotes healthier mental states.
A central concept in psychology, the "Circle of Control," emphasizes that individuals can only directly control their thoughts, feelings, and actions. In contrast, a study published in the Frontiers in Psychology found that external factors like others' behaviors fall outside this circle.
I think this is the biggest factor that pushes people to hold onto unhelpful behaviors, like the need to please. We think, “If only I do everything for everyone, they’ll never get mad at me.” Wrong!
5. Only worry about what you think of yourself
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Free yourself from being controlled by what other people think. Start to prioritize how you feel about yourself.
As Mahatma Gandhi said, “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” You can’t live by your values if you’re living for the approval of others.
6. Leave room for mistakes
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Did you make a mistake or say something stupid? It’s okay. Making room for mistakes, often referred to as mistake tolerance, is crucial for learning and personal growth.
It allows individuals to actively engage with their errors, identify areas for improvement, and ultimately perform better in the future by triggering brain activity associated with memory and adaptation when a mistake occurs.
A 2020 study published in the Clinical Handbook of Fear and Anxiety found that actively attempting to solve a problem and encountering initial failures can lead to deeper understanding and better learning outcomes than being given the correct answer.
Use the experience to learn and make a joke. It doesn’t make you stupid to say something wrong or silly: it makes you human, and sometimes even funny.
7. Accept the things you cannot change
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Stop wishing things could be the way they once were. Bring yourself into the present moment. This is where life happens. You can’t change the past; you can only make decisions today to help how your future turns out.
8. Don’t take yourself too seriously
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This will allow you to relax and enjoy life's journey. I laugh with myself and at myself all the time. Not taking yourself too seriously is linked to increased resilience, better social relationships, reduced stress, and a positive outlook. It primarily mitigates the adverse effects of an inflated ego and excessive self-criticism.
A 2020 study found that taking yourself too seriously is often tied to a large ego, where individuals overly identify with their achievements and become overly sensitive to criticism, leading to potential anxiety and defensiveness.
9. Do what scares you
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Fear holds us back from doing a lot of things because it closes our minds to possibilities for our future and locks us into our comfort zones. Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us.
The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
10. Express what works for you
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Find your voice, and share with others what you’re thinking and feeling in a rational way. If you continue to communicate with others what works for you and doesn’t work for you, you’ll no longer bottle up your emotions.
Communicating one's needs, preferences, and boundaries has several significant benefits, including reduced stress, improved self-esteem, stronger relationships, better decision-making, increased resilience, and a greater sense of personal agency.
A 2015 study explained that this is mainly due to the positive impact of assertive communication and the ability to advocate for oneself effectively. Expressing yourself is an important part of feeling good about yourself and your relationships.
11. Allow yourself to feel negative emotions
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Whether you lost a loved one through death or a break-up, honor your loss. Trying to ignore your negative emotions will extend your suffering.
Loss is difficult to experience, and it’s okay to allow yourself to hurt and be sad. Let yourself feel, and go through the grief process so that you can move forward.
12. Learn forgiveness
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Resentment and unwillingness to forgive will keep you locked in the past and prevent you from moving forward with your life. Remember: When you forgive, you aren’t doing it for the other person; you’re doing it for yourself. If for no other reason than that, forgive and let go.
Learning forgiveness can significantly benefit mental and physical health, including reduced anxiety, depression, and stress levels, improved sleep quality, better relationship dynamics, higher self-esteem, and even potential positive impacts on physical health like lowered blood pressure and reduced risk of heart disease.
Neurological studies published in 2013 have shown that forgiveness is associated with activation in brain regions related to empathy, emotion regulation, and reward processing.
Carl Jung said, “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” There’s a lesson in that for all of us: Try to let go of whatever it is that’s holding you back from experiencing yourself.
You’ll probably realize that you are not what other people say you are. You are not your pain, your past, or your emotions.
It’s the negative ideas about ourselves and our hurtful self-talk that get in the way of who we want to be. Being able to let go requires a strong sense of self, which gives you the ability to learn and grow from your experiences.
Ilene S. Cohen, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist and blogger, who teaches in the Department of Counseling at Barry University.