8 Reasons People Reject The Things That Are Truly Right For Them, According To Psychology
Sometimes the things that are right for us can feel wrong at first.
Toa Heftiba | Unsplash The idea of what's "right" for a person is something many of us have grappled with, and many more of us prefer to avoid thinking about the concept in general. It's a concept so heavily imbued with existential questions, to which there are no good answers, that it's ultimately just frustrating to consider. Ultimately, we're only told to look for "signs" or to trust our (often shifting, always influenced) feelings about a situation to determine these things.
The secret is that you're meant to do whatever you're doing. You're meant to be with whoever you're with. There are no guarantees. Nothing isn't hard work at some point or another. There's no way to escape pain, but there is a way to cope with it better. On the flip side of only seeking things you're ultimately "meant for," is rejecting the things you have right now.
Here are the reasons people reject the things that are truly right for them:
1. We don't have the right tools
insta_photos / Shutterstock
Sometimes we don't have the right tools to determine whether or not something is really "right" for us. It's often in the stress of desiring certainty that we reject and avoid things that seem like they could be good for us. Trying to figure it out before you've lived and tried to see whether or not it works is like trying to maintain an idea of control.
Long story short, we reject things that are right for us simply because we're trying to figure out whether or not they're right for us.
2. Our idea of what's 'right' and the reality of what's 'right' are different
Perfect Wave / Shutterstock
Let's say you meet someone with whom you have a profound connection, yet they don't necessarily meet many of the standards you once assumed were essential for the "love of your life."
The gap between our perceived idea of "what's right" and objective reality highlights how our personal experiences, social norms, and cognitive biases significantly influence our moral judgments.
2022 research found that this often leads to discrepancies between our subjective perception and the actual ethical situation. What is considered "right" can vary greatly depending on the specific situation and social context. People have varying moral awareness and sensitivity, influencing how they perceive and interpret ethical dilemmas.
Though you don't care about these things in your relationship, you're hung up on committing to the idea of them being your partner, only because your idea of what's right and the reality of what's right are colliding. Guess which one should win out? Yep, you're right: What's actually happening.
3. Knowing what's right for you and believing you deserve it are also two different things
Yuri A / Shutterstock
Many of us know that what's right for us is a healthy, loving relationship, but unless we believe we deserve that kind of relationship, it's doomed to be self-sabotaged.
4. Most people thrive on what they don't or can't have
Prostock-studio / Shutterstock
If you've gotten used to experiencing your happiness in getting what you couldn't have, then you're not going to have very much luck in actually being able to accept, embrace, or keep something for long. In other words, you're going to be hard-pressed to find any real sense of peace.
2022 research explored finding meaning and purpose despite limitations, often through concepts like resilience and post-traumatic growth. It also suggests that striving towards goals can lead to fulfillment even when facing significant challenges. Thriving despite adversity can involve focusing on what one does have rather than dwelling on what is missing.
5. There's a sense of commitment that comes with acknowledging something's meant for you
Chinmay Singh / Pexels
To fully accept that you're "meant" for something shifts your identity in a way, and it certainly feels like you're cementing your life in place forever.
Because we are creatures of comfort, habit, and certainty, choosing to believe that something is "right" for us is the same as predisposing ourselves to keep choosing it for the rest of our lives. We have to be sure this is the commitment we want to make before we do so.
6. Embracing something that's right for us forces us to embrace the present
Katii Bishop / Pexels
Many people struggle to do this. When you recognize that you're working at a job that's right for you, or you're in a relationship that's right for you, it can feel as though your motivation has been completely exhausted, simply because you're now being forced to let go of ideas of past and future, and just be fully present.
Embracing the present moment primarily involves mindfulness, actively paying attention to the current experience without judgment. 2022 research published in Time & Society showed that practicing mindfulness can lead to significant benefits, such as reduced stress, improved emotional regulation, increased happiness, and greater focus in daily life.
7. The concept of reaching the "end goal" is terrifying
Engin Akyurt / Pexels
Recognizing that something is right for us is akin to realizing that we've "made it," in a way. And while "making it" seems like a great thing, it's often just the beginning of realizing that you have nowhere else to go. If your goals are to arrive somewhere, you'll always be on the move.
To reach an "end goal" is to lose your will to keep going, unless you find something else to move on to, hence the inability to accept.
8. We can't reject something we don't acknowledge to be real
Thirdman / Pexels
We cannot resist or be angry at something we don't realize exists. This is all a fancy way to say that we resist the things we know are most true. We cannot resist something unless we know it was, in some way, "right" for us.
Resisting truths we know to be true is often driven by cognitive dissonance, confirmation bias, fear of change, and the desire to maintain a consistent self-image.
A 2016 study found that these factors lead individuals to avoid information that contradicts their beliefs actively, even when presented with contrary evidence. This phenomenon is often described as "what you resist persists."
That is one of the many glorious mysteries of being alive: We never seem to want what it is we have.
Brianna Wiest is a writer, editor, author, and regular contributor to publications such as Huffington Post, Forbes, Teen Vogue, Thought Catalog, and many others. She's the author of 101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think, and other collections of poetry and prose.