The Number One Struggle Of People Who 'Know Better' But Just Can't Seem To 'Do Better'
It’s completely possible to be self-aware yet still self-sabotage your life.
Krakenimages.com / Shutterstock.com Are you an over-analyzer? Is it easy for you to pinpoint problems within yourself that could use improvement?
If you answered yes, you're like most people. It's easy to spot the flaws and adopt an I should "know better" mindset. The true struggle lies in actually doing better.
There's one struggle people who 'know better' but just can't seem to 'do better' have: 'You're stuck in a shame loop.'
"Knowing better, but not being able to actually do better, can be a sign that you're actually somebody who is sensitive, self-aware, intelligent, and also stuck in a shame loop," nervous system coach Dana Doswell shared on TikTok.
You’re likely self-aware enough to notice when you need change in your life, but when it comes to maintaining those healthy habits — you fall short. From eating habits to a workout schedule to seeking out healthy relationships, sometimes we self-sabotage ourselves even from a place of self-awareness.
“It’s because you can intellectually understand your nervous system and somatics all you want, but if you are fundamentally ashamed about your basic human needs, your wants, and your desires…then nothing that you do is actually going to come from a place of tending to your body.”
When you know you have growth to do but constantly ‘fail,’ you might be operating from a place of shame.
Even if you recognize that journaling would transform your anxiety, healthy eating habits would regulate your body, or daily walks would improve your mood, actually following through is difficult if you’re stuck in a “shame loop.”
You might adopt change with good intentions, but the hard part is actually sticking to the habit and motivating yourself to continue.
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“I lived like this for over 14 years,” Doswell said, “and I got so frustrated because it felt like all these healing practices, this mindset work, and setting myself up with good routines never actually worked for me.”
“It was because the underlying intention was always shame. It came from this place of ‘unless I do this, I am not worthy of being healed or feeling better.’”
The thing about shame is that we all feel it. Sometimes labeled a "self-conscious emotion," how we learn to deal with it determines self-improvement, not eliminating it.
Changing your relationship with yourself can break the shame cycle by replacing shame and self-punishment with self-respect and connection.
It can be difficult to address your insecurities and shame head-on, especially if you’ve only recently understood it to be self-sabotage.
Changing your mindset is essential to removing this self-sabotaging behavior from your healing practices and daily habits, replacing shameful feelings with connection and self-acceptance.
“The first step you can take to detox shame from your body is to make the unconscious conscious,” Doswell said. “There are two main types of shame … explicit shame and implicit shame.
While explicit shame is more obvious — like bullying, harassment, or shameful language — that often builds and progresses throughout someone’s life to inform their identity, personality, and general relationship with themselves. Implicit shame is more “invisible” — masked behind our body language, off-hand comments, and expressions.
“Invisible shame is really what we learn or the information that we internalize as we express ourselves to people in our lives and notice their reactions,” Doswell explained. “We learn, in implicit ways, what is shameful and what is not.”
To unlearn this shameful behavior, often sparked by beliefs learned from others, you need to map these internalized thoughts, acknowledging and understanding them so you can move forward without them.
So, whether it’s unshackling your artistic expression from the shame of “financial gain” or going to the gym with an aura of confidence, self-respect, and reassurance — you deserve happy changes in your life.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News & Entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.