Husband Blames His ADHD For Not Getting His Wife Of 15 Years The Birthday Gift She Asked For
How a lack of receiving small wishes can lead to bigger issues.
Nicoleta Ionescu | Shutterstock Birthdays can get tricky in adulthood. The celebration doesn't exactly entail the fanfare of childhood, but most people, at the very least, hope their nearest and dearest make an effort — especially their spouse.
But what happens if your special day rolls around and the only thing you get from your significant other is excuses instead of the one gift you asked for? That was the reality for one disappointed wife who anonymously turned to Slate's money advice column to figure out how to deal with her thoughtless husband. Her disappointment after not receiving the one gift she asked for sheds light on the emotional toll that unmet expectations and unacknowledged efforts can take in a long-term relationship.
A husband blamed his ADHD as the reason he didn't gift his wife the one birthday present she asked for.
This story starts about two years ago when the wife asked her husband for a simple and affordable birthday gift — a dinner at a local restaurant downtown, a place she had chosen for its ambiance and its convenience to their city. After many months of waiting and asking, the husband had unfortunately failed to fulfill her wish. She wrote, "I picked a chain restaurant with a good reputation that he could easily make a reservation at online. My birthday came and went. I asked him if we could still go to the restaurant, and he said yes, and yet, more months went by."
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Things didn't get much better as another year rolled around. "After more months of me begging to go to the restaurant," she wrote, "he asked me what I wanted for my next birthday. I snapped and said that I was still waiting to dine at the restaurant downtown from the year before. He booked the restaurant … in a mall by the highway. He was then upset at me when I became angry and emotional."
Even when he eventually made reservations for her birthday, he did it at a location that she didn’t like — a restaurant that she had no interest in dining at. Why? The wife was, of course, disappointed, but his dismissal of her feelings and his efforts to turn her disappointment around, acting like the victim, had her questioning if she was being unfair. "I don’t think that this is normal, but he has ADHD," she explained as if that was some sort of excuse.
The wife confessed that the birthday disappointment left her feeling uncertain about the future of their marriage.
Constantly feeling neglected in your relationship can take a severe emotional toll. For the wife, the unfulfilled request for a nice birthday dinner with her husband was more than just a missed opportunity — it reflected a larger pattern of being unappreciated for her contributions.
Cooking most meals and asking for a break should not have felt like a burden to her, but over time, the lack of acknowledgment led to frustration and resentment. She explained, "I cook more than 90 percent of our meals, so aside from going downtown, a break from cooking would have been enjoyed." Sadly, it wasn't just the invisible labor that went unappreciated. She continued, "When I’ve tried to talk to him about my feelings, he interrupts to tell me his perspective, lists the things he’s done that should be appreciated, and then walks away without noticing that I haven’t been able to finish a sentence."
The invisible labor of a relationship should not solely be the responsibility of a woman. As Allison Daminger, an Assistant Professor of Sociology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, found in her research, however, 80% of women in opposite-sex relationships take on the majority of this cognitive labor. Cognitive labor, or as Daminger called it, the "project management" role in a family, is often unrecognized or brushed off as simply something women are better at. How many times have you heard men say that women are better multitaskers than men? The fact is, women are better at it because they've been forced to do it.
The wife shared that her husband’s thoughtlessness may be because of his ADHD, but that seems like an excuse not to exert any effort. In reality, putting in the effort to make a reservation at the restaurant that his spouse showed interest in involved cognitive labor that her husband simply didn't want to expend. However, this does not excuse him from dismissing his wife's emotional needs.
ADHD is not an excuse for neglecting a partner's needs.
While ADHD can deter someone's memory and ability to focus, it should not be an excuse for neglecting your partner’s needs. This mostly occurs in undiagnosed ADHD cases, as writer Les Steed understood from personal experience. He wrote, "The ADHD brain mostly hears criticism. When my ex said, 'I feel like you don’t listen properly,' I heard, 'I am having doubts about whether I love you.' Constantly interrupting her (and others) is also a barrier to listening, and it collapsed efforts to communicate." That certainly sounds a lot like this woman's husband, but the difference was Steed was undiagnosed at the time.
A healthy relationship needs mutual effort, recognition, and clear communication. It is crucial for both partners to feel seen and valued. Yes, ADHD can make some interactions and stressful situations harder to navigate. However, this husband should have understood his condition enough to take a step back and reevaluate. Perhaps the problem is more that he needs to understand his own brain better.
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Slate's advice columnist Ilyce Glink offered the wife some sound advice regarding her relationship, like making dinner reservations herself and reclaiming the sense of agency that has been lost. However, this only allows her husband to continue treating her as the "sidekick to his main character," as she wrote.
Glink also suggested that the husband and wife seek individual and couples therapy, where both of them can explore communication issues and how they relate to his ADHD. This could provide them with a safe environment to address her feelings without his ADHD changing the message. Hopefully, it's advice this couple will heed.
Erika Ryan is a writer working on her bachelor's degree in Journalism. She is based in Florida and covers relationships, psychology, self-help, and human interest topics.