3 Quiet Habits That Set Men Of Real Integrity Apart, According To Relationship Experts
Integrity means different things to different people, but you'll know it when you see it.
Artūras Kokorevas | Pexels Integrity seems concrete enough. As a character trait, it means someone is reliable, honest, and morally upstanding. It's an admirable quality and a laudable goal. Who wouldn't want to be known as a person of integrity?
There are a few behaviors and quiet habits that distinguish a man of integrity. We asked a panel of YourTango relationship experts to share their ideas on how to spot him.
Here are the quiet habits that set men of real integrity apart:
1. They are honest and forgiving
I can immediately pick out three things that men of the highest integrity do differently. The first is they can keep a secret that is in your best interest to be kept. The second is they can forgive you even if they can't fully forget. They will honor you by not bringing the issue back up. The third thing is they will never expect you to carry the full money load in the relationship. Even if you are the main earner, they will find ways to let you know they are taking care of you.
Here is a small vignette: Joel came home from a deployment in Afghanistan. Joy and he were engaged and very much in love. Yet loneliness overtook him while he was overseas and he had a short affair. He never told Joy.
They happily married. Later on in their marriage, Joy embarrassed him by sharing some intimate moments they had with her girlfriends. She told him and he was very hurt. He never forgot that episode but forgave her.
Joy earned much more than he did as a job recruiter. Had returned to being a car mechanic. However, every weekend he brought her a bouquet and always made sure he had saved the money for their two kids to go away to camp in the summer so Joy never had to worry about that burden. They were and are a happy couple.
—Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, positive psychologist, author, filmmaker
2. They are trustworthy and reliable
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Men with the highest integrity say what they mean and mean what they say. They consistently keep their word as integrity is a value held in high regard. Integrity in a relationship is one of the best traits both men and women can look for, especially for someone who has difficulties trusting others.
Having integrity is highly attractive and healthy as men who have integrity also have confidence. The two traits usually go hand in hand. A 2003 study of integrity in men found their conceptions of integrity were derived from self-respect, dignity, and confidence. Men with the highest integrity, for example, do not ghost, call when they say they are going to call, make plans, and follow through as their word has value.
Another trait that usually accompanies integrity is honesty. The combination of these three traits, integrity, confidence, and honesty, can allow for the foundation of a healthy, satisfying, and fulfilling relationship. Usually, men with this level of integrity will expect the same values in a potential mate, partner, friend, or family member so get ready to step up your values.
—Dr. Susan Pazak, clinical psychologist and life coach
3. They communicate openly and demonstrate appreciation
Men of the highest integrity tell you where they stand, are truthful, and show they care about you with concrete actions that reflect appreciation and understanding.
They also are clear about their limitations and boundaries. If they are uncomfortable with something, they are open about it; that can lead to a frank conversation that helps with amelioration or at least mutual understanding.
In sum, all this reflects a man’s self-awareness and honesty with himself, the foundation of integrity.
—Ruth Schimel, Ph.D., career & life management consultant, author
To borrow from popular cinema, would an organized crime boss from the Godfather trilogy define integrity the same way self-appointed ethicist Hermione Granger would in the Harry Potter films?
Integrity, then, is subjective. Yet, one of the most important aspects of socialization is a commonly held understanding of what makes someone a "good" person. Research from Harvard Business School summarized integrity as having "nothing to do with good vs. bad, right vs. wrong behavior. Like the law of gravity, the law of integrity just is, and if you violate the law of integrity as we define it you get hurt just as if you try to violate the law of gravity with no safety device."
This is especially true in the dating world. How can a woman know — know — if a man is what he seems? How can she be sure the initial blush of attraction will be affirmed by the knowledge the potential romantic partner in question is a man of integrity?
Upon reflection, though, its meaning becomes a bit nebulous. Does possessing integrity mean someone is also kind, compassionate, patient, and empathetic? Not necessarily. After all, reliability and trustworthiness — foundations for integrity — can have very different implications, depending on your worldview.
Carter Gaddis is a writer and editor who spent 24 years as an award-winning sportswriter for newspapers in Florida and for various online publications, including ESPN, Parenting Magazine, and the St. Petersburg Times.
