4 Steps That Must Be Followed When You Want Someone's Forgiveness
Oddly enough, the best apologies don't always come naturally.
PeopleImages | Canva We're all bound to mess up when we interact with other people and our closest relationships are no exception. No matter how hard we try, we're going to hurt our partners, family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers from time to time.
When we hurt someone, we are often quick to apologize. For most people, a quick apology can sound insincere and make the situation worse.
Learning to apologize sincerely is key to making things right to nurture our relationships and communities. Yet, how do we apologize in a way to show we mean it?
Here are 4 steps that must be followed when you want someone's forgiveness
Licensed therapist Jeff Guenther discusses the four steps to properly apologize to get someone's forgiveness.
1. Own your mistake
Listen, you'll never be able to apologize properly until you've owned what you did. Maybe you did spend too much time talking to your best friends. Or, maybe you did ditch your partner at a party. It is quite probable those words you intended to be supportive had a harmful impact. Regardless of the mistake or the reason, owning what you did will make or break your apology.
Jeff tells us, "Say the things you did that made [them] feel bad. Leave out the context you felt more comfortable with your friends." Because in the end, it doesn't matter why and only sounds like you are excusing your behavior, which invalidates the apology.
You hurt someone through your actions whether it was your intention or not. So, don't sugarcoat things, and make excuses. Just be direct and upfront, as explored by Louis F. Kort. Say, "I did ditch you to hang out with my friends. That was wrong of me."
2. Listen to empathize
Listen to why the person you hurt was hurt, and you might say, "I made you feel abandoned, hurt, confused, and angry," advises Jeff. He continues, there's no need to go into detail or over-explain how you are feeling.
Rather, our main focus should be on the main emotions the person we hurt has expressed and reiterate those emotions back to communicate we understand the impact of our actions. Why is this important? International Listening Association research explains how it shows them we're actively listening and understand where they are coming from and their feelings are valid to us.
3. Actually say the words out loud to them
Apologizing isn't easy since we don't want to admit we hurting someone. We don't want to admit we did wrong, especially when we did not intend to do harm. We have to confront the uncomfortable feeling of guilt and shame, which is never easy.
But guess what? This isn't about you, it's about the person you hurt. This isn't about how guilty you feel, it's about your relationship and wanting to make things right.
Research published in Scientific Reports supports how the way to make things right is to give a genuine apology. "I'm really sorry I hurt you. I feel horrible I let you down. That's not the kind of person I want be."
Jeff continues, "The key to saying you're sorry is to say it and express genuine remorse without hijacking the apology and making it about how guilty you feel. This isn't the time for that."
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4. Next time I'll...
You can't give a proper apology without demonstrating you're willing to change, as outlined by Aaron Lazare, M.D.. The best way to demonstrate it is by having a plan. Knowing what you did and how you are going to alter your behavior in the future shows you have seriously conisdered the impact of your actions and have the follow thorugh to make a positive change.
You can say, "The next time we go out, I'll be sure to check in with you throughout the night to make sure you're alright."
Jeff tells us, "Tell them what you're going to do differently if the situation arises in the future." Mean what you say and make those active changes. That way, you can avoid repeating the same fight.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.