If You Have No Best Friends, You Probably Display These 5 Off-Putting Habits
If close friendships feel out of reach, these common but off-putting behaviors could be pushing people away without you realizing it.
Dean Drobot | Canva I have a very strange irony going on in my life. On one hand, people tend to know me for having salient social commentaries and observations about the dating scene. On the other hand, I struggle with social interactions daily and am constantly trying to overcome being socially awkward.
I struggle to make friends due to a few off-putting behaviors others have (kindly) pointed out to me. For many years, these unintentional behaviors were the reason I struggled to make friends, much less best friends, but there's good news: you can learn from my mistakes and avoid these friendship blunders.
If you have no best friends, you probably display these off-putting behaviors:
1. You assume the worst in people
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If you’re like me, you struggle trying to figure out if you’re being unreasonable or if others are just being awful to you and expecting you to take it. It’s a by-product of an inability to trust that other people have good intentions.
My trick is simple: When I feel like questioning myself regarding someone’s behavior towards me, I ask how I would feel doing the same to them.
2. You're defensive about everything
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Do you ever have a person who gets on the defensive when you complain about something, even when it’s not their fault? Then you have to deal with them refusing to work with you or shutting down?
Some people just won’t accept accountability at all and shouldn’t be bothered with it. However, in some cases, you might be putting people on the defensive by accident or just making them upset.
It’s best to make a point of taking the heat off what they do or don't do in these cases. What does this mean?
- Tell them, "I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at this problem." Sometimes, people need to hear this — even if it’s not true.
- Ask them, "How can we fix this?" This automatically puts someone on your team and in your corner.
- If you need to, argue while holding hands or sitting next to them. This helps them feel like they’re not being accosted with accusations.
Even when unwarranted, defensiveness stems from a perceived threat to one's self-worth or beliefs, often triggered by criticism or perceived attacks rather than actual guilt. Clinical psychologist Dr. Nick Wignall agrees, explaining that defensiveness can make receiving and processing constructive feedback difficult, hindering personal growth and development.
3. You're never upfront when people make you uncomfortable or hurt you
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People often don’t know how they come across, especially if you’re not dealing with someone who’s neurotypical. In some cases, people know when they are crossing boundaries and are banking on you to say nothing.
Calling out behavior or saying the impact that they’re having on you can make people stop in their tracks. That’s precisely why psych ward doctors are told to tell people one of these phrases:
- "You are scaring me." If you feel physically threatened, say this phrase.
- "Please stop, you’re making me uncomfortable." Repeat this when people get too touchy-feely. If they balk, just keep saying, “This makes me uncomfortable,” and exit the area.
- "The stuff you’re doing doesn’t make me feel safe/welcomed/okay." I find this to be a good way to shut down people who claim “It’s just a joke.”
If you notice that their behavior hasn’t stopped, it’s time to cut contact. Blocking, deleting, and ghosting the person is usually the smartest way to do this.
If you have to explain why, such as in a professional setting, say these phrases:
- "I don’t like the way you make me feel." If you’re ready to sever ties with someone and they’re trying to argue their way into staying in your life, use this phrase. Keep repeating it until they leave. It is the fastest way to end the conversation.
- "I’ve repeatedly told you to stop this behavior and have expressed that it affects me in a bad way. At this point, I no longer feel comfortable continuing this relationship." A lot of people only will take you seriously if you openly call them out on it. Go figure.
On a similar note, if you were rejected by someone for a date and they still want to be friends, it’s okay to say that you’re too hurt to continue the friendship for the time being.
4. You never ask people about themselves
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When you first start bonding with people, it’s easy to start talking at them rather than to them. The thing is, no one likes to be talked at. They want to be talked to.
They want to have people ask about them. There are several ways that you can connect with people through questions. These hacks help me learn more about people:
- Ask what they do for a living, then ask how they got into that field. You will be able to learn about their passions, what they do, and a little bit about their life.
- If you’re in a workplace area, ask them to teach you a new skill. This is a great way to make sure that you get a mentor. Epic win!
- Ask them what their hobbies are. You may end up finding a lot in common. Even a simple remark about a favorite television show can be enough to bond with them a bit.
A 2022 study found that 'talking at' someone rather than 'talking with' someone can lead to strained relationships, missed opportunities for understanding, and feeling unheard or disrespected. Repeatedly being the recipient of one-sided conversations can negatively impact self-esteem and confidence.
5. You're not honest or vulnerable about your shortcomings
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I’ve gotten into the habit of being upfront about my socially awkward side. I’ll straight up tell people, "Listen, I’m very socially awkward so if I stop talking or asking questions, just fill in the blanks and I’ll listen. It’s not me checking out of the conversation — I do like you. I just am awkward and don’t know how to bond well."
Believe it or not, people appreciate that level of candor. And it is honest. And if they are the type of people who get it, it gives them a good idea of how to handle you as a person.
Acknowledging social awkwardness and asking for understanding can be beneficial, as it can foster empathy and reduce the likelihood of negative reactions. However, a 2012 study concluded that it's important to approach these situations with self-awareness and a focus on building genuine connections rather than using them as an excuse for poor behavior.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.