4 Critically Important Tips For Avoiding Dangerous Men
When women are nice to the wrong man, it can be deadly.
J Walters | Shutterstock Whenever a woman goes missing, public criticism of the woman begins. People say she should have known better, or she should not have been in such a place alone, or left alone, or left with a man she didn't know. We criticize that she misjudged or trusted too soon, and act as if we would never have made such a bad mistake ourselves, and that may very well be true because women who dangerous men target men tend to have certain qualities that make them stand out in comparison to other women and are easier targets for dangerous and criminal-minded men.
Here are 4 critically important tips for avoiding dangerous men:
1. Don't reveal too much too soon
This is typical of women who get targeted by dangerous/toxic men. Over-telling usually means you feel connected to the guy, so you show him how fast you trust. It is easy to talk openly and personally when you meet someone you click with, but be very careful, he may be mirroring you and not having things in common with you. If so, everything you reveal may be marking you as a good target, because this trait goes hand in hand with other traits of easy victims, and he knows it.
2. Don't be flattered by stare-dare men
When a guy stares you down from across a crowded room, he is not flattering you, he is not falling in love with you, he is challenging you. It is a sign of danger. The stare is a dare. Normal men don't act with such intensity or cockiness. I call this the "Hollywood Hello," and it is something many women hope happens because it seems so romantic — but it is dangerous and based on fantasy. Run.
3. Don't give too many chances
When someone is inappropriate or disrespectful in action or conversation, there are no second chances. Women who are targeted by destructive and dangerous men give many chances, too much empathy and understanding, and they forgive at the drop of a dime. Stop giving chances, it could save your life.
4. Don't be too friendly too fast
Respectful men appreciate boundaries and support women being self-protective and mindful. When a woman intentionally slows things down or makes it harder for a guy to get information and friendship from them easily, she will be able to spot the dangerous types because they take a woman's self-protective measures personally.
J Walters vis Shutterstock
They can't deal with a slow pace, and need women who trust fast, discount their intuition, open up easily, and who want to buffer the guy from the embarrassment of her rejection. Women who are trained to attract dangerous men tend to comply because they don't want the guy to feel embarrassed or bad about himself, and put themselves in harm's way all the time.
When 23-year-old soldier PFC Kelli Bordeaux, of Fayetteville NC, disappeared from a bar with a registered sex offender, we felt a little dirty to think she trusted such a man, and many are quick to judge. Some have responded to her disappearance in a cold and uncaring manner.
We expect women to think wisely and to act on the idea that men need to be feared until you know them, but that is unrealistic. We have to stop blaming women for their demise when they are targeted and harmed by dangerous men.
We can't forget that the criminal was most likely ultra charming, flattering, and seemed like a nice, normal guy. The problem isn't that she trusted him, the problem is that she trusted herself to be able to spot a potentially dangerous man. Like most women, Bordeaux was probably never educated about the typical traits and responses that get victims noticed and targeted by dangerous men.
Instead, we set women up to look for red flags but this doesn't work and the red flags are more subtle than we are told. Looking for red flags forces women to focus on the man and gets her looking for more evidence, especially if she is highly empathic because she won't want to judge him unfairly too early.
Instead, she will want to give him a chance. Red flags are not where women are going to gain their awareness about dangerous men that strategy is outdated and dangerous as it gets some women sucked in faster.
The woman's reaction to a dangerous man's words and actions is what gets her noticed. Bordeaux represents many women who have done the very thing she did — leave a place with a man they don't know. I see it all the time. They trust themselves to be able to spot a dangerous man when they aren't even looking in the right place for the warning signs.
If the guy doesn't reveal an obvious red flag, women think they are good to go, but dangerous men wear invisible masks so women can't rely on red flags, it's a mistake. Dangerous men don't always walk around looking like or acting like the dangerous men they are, or else there would be no victims. They are pro-manipulators who disguise themselves with charm and appeal. They are very smooth and often attractive and successful. They will set up a conversation to see if they are in front of a woman who will comply, or who feels bad easily.
Blaming a woman for becoming a victim is cold and out of step with intelligence; the time has come for better education for young women so they will become more self-aware, self-focused, trait-conscious, and safe.
We aren't teaching women the truth, that learning about dangerous men isn't about noticing which guy in the bar could be a criminal, or which man is going to be abusive. Sometimes, that is just impossible. It's about noticing subtleties in ourselves when there is a distinction between one man and the next. It's about paying attention to our internal reactions, to the little voice in our heads without arguing with it or dismissing it, and it's about noticing if we are interpreting a man's actions and words to suit our own needs, his needs, a desire, or a fantasy.
I don't know if Bordeaux left the bar with a registered sex offender because she didn't want to embarrass him or not, but the women who are more easily swayed are the ones who get targeted because they worry more about the other person's feelings being hurt than they do about protecting themselves.
This is especially true if the guy was just being friendly, not coming on to her in the bar, creating the appearance of being a non-threatening friend during the evening. If Bordeaux didn't give her any reason to suspect he was dangerous or on the make for her, she may have felt obligated to be nice to him in return because he seemed harmless and kind. She was unsuspecting. When women are nice to the wrong man, it can be deadly.
Teagin Maddox is a Certified Life Coach who provides analysis and interpretation of high conflict, and destructive relationships in the media, targeting the core issue and identifying the covert toxic dynamics at play, an understanding she gained through personal experience and training in domestic violence advocacy.