Nigella Lawson Teaches Abused Women A Lesson In Moving On

If you try to assert yourself or stand your ground with a destructive partner, prepare for the backlash. Destructive and abusive men punish women who say, "no."

Nigella Lawson is experiencing this right now. When her husband of 10 years, Charles Saatchi, 71, was photographed grabbing her by the neck and prodding her nose during an argument at a swanky London restaurant recently, he admitted to assault but described the incident as a "playful tiff." Other pictures of Saatchi covering Nigella's mouth at the same restaurant in December of 2012 have since surfaced.

By diminishing his behavior, Saatchi highlights the impulsive public violence that exposed him to be the repulsive man he is, yet he has almost trumped his behavior with calculated actions in the aftermath. He boldly lacks remorse and empathy, coldly punishing Nigella for refusing to accept his attempts at contact and for saying no to his outrageous demands that she publicly defend his violent and abusive actions. Nigella has wisely refused to defend her husband and he is on the attack, blaming her and announcing to the press that he has filed for divorce and is disappointed in her for not speaking up in his defense. 

The divorce announcement and an article about the couple, printed in Britain's Mail on Sunday, reveals very telling characteristics of a deeply troubled and dangerous man. Read with a critical eye and you will spot the toxic traits of a psychopath. Comments from a "friend of the couple" further suggest this may be so. The friend stated "Charles and Nigella have always been very physical and demonstrative. He adores her while her love for him was like an addiction."

Relationships with psychopaths and destructive men start with high physicality and an intensity deeper than other (normal) relationships. This creates an addiction-like bond for the victim. Destructive, abusive, psychopathic men are not always murders, as we like to believe and falling for a social predator is more common than you think — which is why women must start learning more about this subject. Keep reading...

More abusive relationships advice from YourTango:

• 5 Signs Of Verbal Abuse In Your Relationship
• The Best Relationship Advice On YourTango
• 10 Signs You're In An Abusive Relationship

We don’t like the word psychopath, but we'd better get used to it. Psychopaths are, in an oversimplified nutshell, those without empathy, conscience or care for anyone but themselves and their own agenda. They are amongst us, using people until they have nothing left to gain from them, and moving on to the next unsuspecting victim with the rehearsed charm of a Hollywood leading man. Destructive men care only about themselves and the impression others have of them. They cannot and do not care about anyone else, be it a girlfriend, wife or child. Their concern and focus is on control and they are often obsessed with creating a grand impression that must be upheld at any cost. They are often high functioning, highly successful and they are very difficult to spot unless you know to watch out for them. 

Make waves that cause a toxic guy to lose his social status or the favorable impression of others and he will take you down at the proverbial or literal kneecaps. His goals are to come out on top, win at all costs, save his reputation amongst peers and, in the case of Saatchi, the public eye. Men like Saatchi will claim their counter-attacks are self-defense against their partner’s unjust actions against them (for example: she said no or refused to do things his way). As Saatchi scrambles to create the impression that he is the victim in this situation, he is doing an exemplary job of putting this blame and punish tactic into play. 

Destructive men punish and attack with no remorse, feeling no empathy and claiming it is all justified by believing that "she" started it. They believe that their partner deserves the abuse for challenging them or for calling their character into question — especially if they have done so publicly. Saatchi’s only priority, like many abusive men, is to save himself.

Start educating yourself in a new way by doing informal searches on words like emotional abuser, social predator, personality disorder types, or even psychopath. Don’t dismiss information that could save your life or help you heal because you don’t like the term or what it represents in the extreme sense. You can’t let these words scare you; they signify a lack of empathy, along with other disturbing traits that you should be on the lookout for.

Don't expect the signs to be bold or obvious. They are often very subtle, especially in the beginning of a relationship when his lack of empathy may not be directed at you. It may be something as subtle as witnessing him treat a friend or colleague with disrespect.

If you would like further direction or want to discuss a situation with me privately, book a confidential consultation with me now.

Photo credit: Nigella Lawson's Facebook.