3 Tiny Mind Tricks To Stop Yourself From Taking An Ex Back
Don't do without just to sort of make it work.
Keira Burton | Canva If waiting for the right guy seems too risky, suddenly the man you didn’t want starts looking better, and being single-and-waiting feels tragic and scary. Start thinking, “What if Mr. Right doesn’t come along, what if my expectations are unrealistic and I end up alone?” and it’s almost a guarantee that you’ll go back, even though you know it will end in disaster.
Here are 3 tiny mind tricks to stop yourself from taking him back:
1. Cognitive dissonance, understand it so you can recognize it
Cognitive dissonance happens when you leave him because he’s a jerk, but then you start romanticizing him and thinking good, happy, passionate thoughts about him and want him back even though he mistreated you, even though it just never worked. It means you are keeping two opposing thoughts swirling around in your head at the same time, first, you think “He’s actually kind of good and he’s a nice guy who does a,b,c...” but then later, even seconds later, you’re like, “No wait, he’s bad. He did a,b,c, etc. and that was wrong.” You bounce back and forth trying to figure out, "Well, which is he, good or bad, what do I do?" It’s an automatic thought process that happens when we are in transition and don’t know what’s coming next how we’ll “make it” on our own or if we’ll ever find another man. It will keep you spinning and second-guessing yourself. Pay attention to your thinking to see if you are on this merry-go-round, and if you are, notice it and label it as dual thinking, and don't make any decisions when this is going on.
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2. Figure out the cause of the intrusive good thoughts about him
Yes, these thoughts are intrusive even though they are good. Think about it. These thoughts interfere with your ability to move on and create your future. They are automatic, but they are not uncontrollable. Notice when they come up so you can shut them down: do you have good thinking about him when you are lonely? When you run into him somewhere? Or maybe when you are bored? Or, do you wish you had tried harder or played things differently because he is being so nice now? This is not an uncommon post-relationship dilemma. Figure out what makes you want to regard him as good, or go back to him as positive when he wasn’t good for you.
3. Get angry
Yep, find the negative and focus on it because anger and those fake-happy thoughts you’re having when you think about taking him back cannot exist in the same space, at the same time, trying to have both good and bad thoughts when making decisions or judgments causes confusion and uncertainty and keeps you wondering if you did the right thing by leaving. Negate the good feelings with realistic memories of your relationship and the disappointments you had when you were in the relationship, and you will stay on track, realistic, and moving forward. Probably a good idea to ignore the new behaviors he is showing too, they aren’t real for who he has shown you he is, and he won’t sustain them.
You feel like all that energy you exhausted trying to get him to get it, was wasted, and of course, if he is suddenly stepping up the pace, it plays on your judgment and gets you second-guessing your decision. You don’t want to fall for it, but you don’t want to walk away from all that time you’ve spent with him if he is a good guy. Suddenly, you are in double-thinking limbo, is he good, or is he bad?
To figure it out, you focus on his new efforts or you remember all the good stuff about him too soon, before you’ve even let yourself be mad over the bad stuff he did, or over all that time, effort, and sacrifice, only to end up at the start-all-over again. And doesn’t it make you angry that now he decides to be the stand-up, romantic, or whatever kind of guy it was you were asking him to be all along? The do-over with an ex is far riskier than the search for Mr. Right ever could be. It’s time to stop playing around and get serious with yourself; don’t tell me you aren’t angry that you are in this breakup mess. Tap into your anger, and you’ve got a trick to stop you from going back to him.
Unacknowledged, silent anger causes extreme damage in women’s lives. No chair throwing, yelling, or violence, I’m talking about a woman’s anger softer, internal, self-disappointment type of anger. It’s time to acknowledge it.
Unexpressed frustrations and long-term relational struggles from incompatibility, poor communication, or outright battles, interfere with women’s internal peace and intuition, as her external happiness, and success. If you were honest with yourself, you would feel the resentment rise. To cope and stay in that bad relationship, you had to shove all your dreams and desires down so deeply that you almost forgot you had them. You had to do without just to sort of make it work, but the whole time, you were dying inside, and going through the motions outside.
You trained yourself to tolerate and to take less than your share because that was the cost of being in love with him, and because you are very giving, you accepted the lack and put everyone else ahead of yourself. You were tired out from all the pretending and trying and left him, and when you have some energy back it looks easier to go back than it does to move forward, but it isn’t. Don’t you dare go back. Stay the course. It gets easier and you can have more.
Teagin Maddox is a Certified Life Coach who provides analysis and interpretation of high-conflict, and destructive relationships in the media, targeting the core issue and identifying the covert toxic dynamics at play, an understanding she gained through personal experience and training in domestic violence advocacy.