4 Conversation Fixes For A Polarized World That Won’t Stop Fighting, According To Yale Psychoanalysts
From the left to the right, we’ve been moving along a spectrum of extremes, and it’s not just political.
SDI Productions | Canva Merriam-Webster selected “polarization” as its 2024 Word of the Year, and it’s no surprise why. From the left to the right, we’ve been moving along a spectrum of extremes, and it’s not just political. Our emotions have been along for the ride, too.
But can we change what happened in the past — whether on a personal level, in the political sphere, or in any life event that left us feeling lost and unmoored? No, we cannot. What we can do is move forward. What we can do is envision a future in which each conversation is an opportunity to communicate with authenticity, compassion, and kindness, and every interaction — close or incidental — is an opportunity to be someone who uplifts, rather than condemns, others.
There will always be emotions that carry forward, and that is okay. Whether it’s grief or joy, hope or apathy, invite your emotions in, as well as those of others. Let’s leave behind being judgmental. In its place, let’s extend an invitation to curiosity.
In this era of polarization, we have a chance to reimagine the way we move through our lives, to use curiosity as a tool for cultivating healthy, psychologically safe relationships — where the connection takes root and builds, rather than burns, bridges of understanding. We hope you will take us up on this invitation.
Here are conversation fixes for a polarized world that won’t stop fighting:
1. Listen and ask questions — in that order
Listening is not a lost art; it’s a muscle we can all build with renewed intentionality and practice in everyday conversation. Quiet distractions and excuses. Refrain from checking your phone. Don’t interrupt. Avoid planning your response or rebuttal to their opinions — dismiss your inner critic.
Instead, simply listen and reflect. Sometimes the best communication is silence. So, step outside your knee-jerk emotional reaction and replace judgment with curiosity. The goal of conversation is understanding, not agreeing or disagreeing. When it’s time to respond, ask questions that are clear, open-ended, and neutral — not leading or assuming. In doing so, you develop dialogue over divides.
2. Offer permission to feel — to yourself and others
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Emotions influence dialogue and decisions, but they don’t have to dictate them. Recognizing feelings in a conversation is a key emotional intelligence skill. For example, feeling disappointed might signal miscommunication and the need to re-examine expectations. Instead of labeling emotions as "good" or "bad," get curious about what they are signaling to you.
There is no "fixing" feelings, only regulating them. This might mean taking what we at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence call a “Meta-Moment” or a strategy to pause, breathe, and reconnect with your best self and your values in times of intense feeling. Ask yourself “What am I feeling right now?” and “How would my best self respond?”
3. Set clear communication goals with emotional vocabulary
Naming your feelings helps you understand triggers and address them effectively. Whether clarifying misunderstandings, expressing needs, or resolving conflict, clear goals guide discussions and prevent emotional turmoil.
This fosters psychological safety, allowing others to speak up, ask questions, and make mistakes — to be human and embrace emotion as a catalyst for connection. For instance, if someone disagrees with your political opinion, you can acknowledge this difference without bringing all of your ‘big’ feelings to the surface; you can make space for your feelings without imposing them on others.
4. Acknowledge your impact, not just your intentions
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It’s a tale as old as time: good intentions do not always result in the desired impact. Even if it feels like you’ve done everything ‘right’ in a conversation, human connection is messy, nuanced and can result in unexpected rifts, especially when so much of our lives exist in social media silos.
But this is precisely when we lean on the tools of emotional intelligence we’ve discussed: to listen and ask questions, to offer others and yourself permission to feel, to set clear communication goals with nuanced emotional vocabulary, and, ultimately, take responsibility if there has been harm by acknowledging the agency you have in your words and actions. None of these strategies are 'easy' to do, but they are crucial for cultivating a culture of curiosity and psychological safety.
In a world divided by polarization, our path forward lies not in erasing our differences, but in transforming how we engage with them. When we choose curiosity over judgment, embrace emotions with intelligence, and approach each conversation as an opportunity for genuine connection, we do more than just communicate — we build bridges of understanding that can transform our communities, one interaction at a time. The future of our relationships depends not on grand gestures, but on these small, intentional choices we make every day to listen deeply, speak with care, and meet differences with openness rather than fear.
Robin Stern, Ph.D., is the co-founder and senior adviser to the director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, a psychoanalyst in private practice, the author of “The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide” and the host of “The Gaslight Effect Podcast.”
Marc Brackett, Ph.D., is the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, a professor in the Child Study Center at Yale, lead developer of RULER, an evidence-based approach to social and emotional learning, and the author of “Permission to Feel.”
