The One Phrase That Makes Someone Put Their Walls Down Around You When They Feel Judged By Everyone Else
If you want to keep someone from getting defensive, say this.
Branislav Nenin | Shutterstock Most of us are pretty bad at conflict, and it often seems that no matter how carefully we try to enter an argument, they usually go sideways. We end up fighting about something that's not even the point, and then when we regroup and try to come to a resolution, it becomes crystal clear that neither person understands the other.
Why does this happen, and how can you avoid it? An expert recently shared a few key insights into this deep conundrum that just might change the game the next time you find yourself at odds with someone you care about.
The conflict expert says that curiosity is the key to bringing someone's walls down for more effective and productive arguments.
Kaitlyn Skelly, a conflict expert and mental health advocate, says that when it comes to arguments, misunderstandings are all too often the default, and they make our arguments ineffective.
simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock
Someone puts words in your mouth or assumes you did something to them on purpose — or maybe it's you who becomes convinced that the person you're in conflict with is deliberately trying to hurt you. We've all fallen into these patterns.
Skelly says there's one simple approach that can change this: curiosity. She recommends trying to maintain a sense of curiosity in conflict rather than trying to "win" the battle.
"When we approach conflict with a posture of genuine curiosity to understand rather than to win an argument, play the victim, or be right," she wrote in an article, "it completely changes how we communicate."
It's all about staying open-minded rather than jumping to conclusions or becoming defensive.
Even more importantly, she explained it also keeps the other party from becoming defensive, which allows for clear communication instead of everything being misconstrued. To do that, it all comes down to one simple phrase.
The conflict expert said the phrase 'tell me more' makes people put their walls down around you.
"When we engage with others and invite them to share their stories, we can better understand their perspective in conflict," Skelly wrote. Using the phrase "tell me more," she wrote, "effectively communicates that you care about the other person’s perspective."
This, in turn, helps disarm the other person's defensiveness because by asking them to tell you more, you create "space for them to share rather than fighting to get a word in."
It's all part of a common piece of advice from other conflict experts, like mental health professionals: assume good intentions. All too often, we go into conflict certain that the person was trying to hurt us or, if we're the offending party, that we're being accused of something unfairly.
Those assumptions start conflict conversation off on the wrong foot. "Sure, it might be easier to assume the worst and let resentments simmer," Skelly wrote. "But learning to assume the best in others and asking for clarification about their perspective is the best strategy for honest and healthy conflict resolution."
By lowering the temperature with curiosity, you end up talking TO each other — or really WITH each other — rather than AT each other.
It also dovetails with another common piece of advice from counselors: use "I" statements about your own feelings and experiences, rather than "you" statements about what the other person said or did.
These tactics aren't always easy — especially when we know we're right! But they're great strategies for arriving at actual understanding and solutions, rather than "winning" or "losing" an argument.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.