If You Hold Any Of These 7 Beliefs, You Likely Have Low Self-Esteem
Why are you your worst enemy?
David-Prado | Canva Have you ever stopped to think about the fact that nearly every bookstore in the world has a self-help section? And that the majority of the books in the self-help section are about how to make relationships work.
People are buying these books in droves. And that’s because everyone struggles with relationships, and how they feel about themselves. Even that couple who seems so happy on social media — probably especially them. Thinking that everyone else has it all figured out and that you're fundamentally flawed is just one self-defeating thoughts, often rooted in low self-esteem, that isn’t helping you find love.
If you have any of these beliefs, you likely have low self-esteem:
1. You think you don’t deserve love
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Deep down, you’re sure you’re a terrible person. You have disgusting personal habits, you’re selfish and petty and have mean thoughts, and if anyone knew the truth about you, they’d run screaming in the other direction.
Congratulations — you’re human. The truth is, all of us are more or less horrible and unloveable.
No one deserves to be loved. But we love each other anyway because we’re wired for it. Life is better when we’re not alone.
So we marry the wrong people, and we struggle to be faithful, and we fight with each other — and it’s worth it. If any of us deserve love, then so do you.
2. You think you’re terrible at relationships
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If you’re reading this, then chances are, all your relationships have failed in one way or another. Maybe you’re single, or maybe you’re unhappily partnered — either way, you may have decided that the problem is you.
That you don’t know how to have a healthy relationship. That you can’t lower your guard and be vulnerable enough to be loved. That you always choose the wrong person to fall in love with.
But listen: in every relationship, you learn something that can make you better at the next one. They say the only way to fail is to stop trying. So keep on trying.
Don’t stay stuck in a bad relationship, and don’t give up on looking for love. You’ve got this.
Believing you are terrible at relationships is a strong indicator of low self-esteem. It reflects a deeply held negative view of oneself and a lack of confidence in one's ability to form healthy connections, which often leads to self-sabotaging behaviors and unhealthy relationship patterns.
A study published by BMC Psychology showed that individuals with low self-esteem frequently engage in cognitive distortions like overgeneralization, where a single negative experience in a relationship is interpreted as evidence of their overall inadequacy in relationships.
3. You think relationships should be easy
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Despite the thriving self-help industry dedicated to solving relationship issues, there are people out there (and maybe you’re one of them) who secretly believe that when the right person comes along, everything will be easy.
You’ll agree on how fast or slow to take relationship milestones like moving in together, you’ll never argue, and you’ll never accidentally say something that devastates your partner (and you certainly won’t say something terrible on purpose).
If you’re holding out for that perfect, easy relationship, you’d better get used to being single. Because no matter how great a match you and your partner are, and how healthy your relationship is, it’s still going to be hard sometimes.
4. You expect relationships to be hard
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Okay, so relationships are hard. But if that’s what’s keeping you from jumping in with both feet, listen up: they’re hard, but they’re not hard forever.
Couples therapists and happily married couple Linda and Charlie Bloom, authors of Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love, explain that learning to be in a relationship is like any other skill: most of the hard work comes early on.
“It takes a lot to hang in there and muddle through the demanding times,” they write. “The required effort is often great and the challenge can be daunting, leading many to conclude that it’s not worth it or that they don’t have the stamina and perseverance to work forever at this level.”
Hang in there and get over that hump, and it’ll get easier. Promise.
Believing relationships will be complicated is strongly linked to low self-esteem. Individuals with low self-worth often anticipate rejection and struggle to trust their partners, leading them to perceive relationships as inherently challenging and potentially unstable.
A 2014 study found that this can manifest in behaviors like excessive need for reassurance, fear of abandonment, and self-sabotaging actions within relationships.
5. You think you don’t have time for romance
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You’ve got a busy life, with many different priorities to juggle. Between your demanding career, your aging parents, your needy siblings, your amazing friends, and all your secret ambitions, who has time to devote to a relationship?
Do you really need one more time-suck on your already-full life? Surprisingly, many people actually think this way. But the thing about a loving, healthy relationship is that it doesn’t take energy away from all those other parts of your life.
It actually gives you more energy for them. Having a partner makes everything in your life better and easier. If it didn’t, why would any of us bother?
6. You don’t think there’s anyone out there for you
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Look, online dating is enough to test anyone’s faith in humanity. It’s easy to give up and conclude that there isn’t anyone out there for you. Maybe what you want just doesn’t exist.
But, as my father used to so charmingly put it, there is a lid for every pot. There are millions of people out there in the world, and many of them could be right for you.
You don’t need to settle for an unhappy relationship or resign yourself to being alone forever. Maybe take a time-out from dating for a while and spend some time thinking about what you want from a relationship – but don’t throw in the towel.
Believing no one is out there for you is strongly linked to low self-esteem. It indicates a deeply ingrained belief that you are not worthy of love or a fulfilling relationship.
A 2022 study found that this often stems from negative self-perceptions and a lack of self-worth. If you don't believe you are good enough for anyone, you have a low opinion of yourself overall.
7. You’re afraid to ask for what you want
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How many of us are so afraid to ask for what we want, we won’t even admit what we want to ourselves?
As one of my favorite self-help gurus, Rob Bell, says in my favorite episode of his podcast, “The problem isn’t your desires. The problem isn’t that you want too many things. The problem is that you don’t desire enough.”
He urges us not only to ask for what we want but to ask for more. If you don’t ask for it, you won’t get it.
So don’t hold back. The only thing standing between you and the relationship you want could very well be you.
Elizabeth Laura Nelson is a Commerce Editor for First For Women and Woman's World. Her work has been featured on Elite Daily, MamaMia, SheSaid, and more.