10 Common Behaviors Of A Person Who's Living A Double Life
If these behaviors sound familiar, a person is hiding a part of themselves from you.
Sammie Sander | Pexels If you knew a potential partner had a double life, would you date them? Probably not. But we can’t predict who will be faithful and who won’t be ahead of time. Or can we? Being able to spot someone who's living a double life requires picking up on certain behaviors; the kinds that make you stop, think, and take it slow or end it with someone.
“It is the totality of specific behaviors that will give you the best (or maybe the worst) impression of a prospective partner,” says FBI criminal profiler Mary Ellen O’Toole. “If you are going to become involved with someone, you need to know about the five main areas of their life: social, occupational, family, personal and secret. And the best way to accomplish that, aside from an honest discourse, is through observation.”
Here are the behaviors of a person who's living a double life:
1. They’re almost too charming
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Was he/she just so smart, fun, likable, and exciting, that you couldn’t resist? Dr. Paul DePompo, psychologist and director of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Institute of Southern California, says Mr. or Ms. Charming will lack real empathy when you’re let down like they cancel a date last minute for no serious reason, but it’s also hard for you to stay angry.
“They’re focused on their own gratification, spend money lavishly to impress, and are likely to blame others when problems occur,” DePomp explains.
2. They’re hyper-flirty
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This can be a sign that he/she is just a player and looking to be intimate, or it could be disguised as being explicitly deprived. “Deprived may come across as extra flirty, and they may make unwelcomed jokes and comments,” DePompo says.
Nice pants, I can see myself in them… “Yet, in conversation, they may become hyper-focused on morals to minimize the importance of physical intimacy.”
3. They’re protective of their phone
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The few times you’ve been out, does it seem like your date spends a lot of time on their phone, or is privately texting or talking when you aren’t around or your back is turned?
It’s always a red flag if they’re giving their mobile device more attention than you in the beginning. And, if it feels like they’re being secretive about who he/she is contacting, take caution.
4. They’re vague with explanations
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This is especially true of their absences or if your date is unreachable at times. “If you just started seeing someone, and you call with no response [but later] they say they were ‘just chilling’ as opposed to something specific like ‘helping my friend move,’ they could be seeing someone else,” says psychotherapist Kimberly Moffit.
5. Their stories are usually inconsistent
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Their stories don’t match up; he/she breaks dates without explanation or contradicts themselves when talking about things that happened at “that thing last weekend.”
“If you notice inconsistencies in what your partner says about how they spend their time, money [or] activities, and what is going on, that can also be a sign,” adds therapist and author Dr. Sheri Meyers.
6. They hint that monogamy’s not their thing
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Perhaps you’ve had this conversation and they’ve mentioned coming from parents who cheated or admitted to cheating before.
Kelly Armatage, a cognitive-behavioral therapist, relationship coach, and speaker says it’s unclear whether there’s a so-called cheating gene, but a small study suggests having a parent who had an affair leaves you at a greater risk of cheating on your spouse, too. “A cheating belief system runs along with the thought patterns [of] ‘It is ok to cheat.’”
7. They check out other people in front of you
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Their focus should be 100% on you, especially in the beginning and if you notice they have a wandering eye or even notice them flirting with other girls or guys, it could be a sign that they’re going to cheat in the future. Even if they’re interested in you, when it comes to cheating, much of it is situational, Armatage says. “Spending time in settings with many attractive people can make cheating more likely.”
8. They seem vengeful
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If your date talks about being cheated on and seems bitter about it, he/she may use YOU, to get even with everyone! Armatage notes that if your partner isn’t over getting cheated on, they might want to get even.
Armatage said that these individuals may feel entitled and that they’ll less guilt as a result of having been cheated on.
9. They look two-faced
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Our first impressions can be quite accurate and informative, even when based on limited information, says Professor of Social Psychology at Eastern Connecticut State University, Dr. Madeleine A Fugère.
“[In heterosexual relationships] research shows that women can accurately detect whether men have been unfaithful in the past just by looking at facial photographs and using the men’s masculinity as a key cue; in reality, the men with more masculine facial features were more likely to have reported being unfaithful,” she explains.
10. They drink a lot
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Fugère notes that individuals who report more problem drinking are also more likely to cheat on their partners. “Researchers suggest that a lack of impulse control or self-control may contribute both to drug and alcohol issues and an increased likelihood of infidelity. Alcohol consumption may also be linked to an increased likelihood of flirting with others.”
While it may be easy to get wrapped up in if your new date could be a cheater, it shouldn’t be the first thing you look for in a date. Pay attention to how you initially feel around them.
Be aware of who you’re getting involved with before getting too involved. Don’t let the chemistry get the best of you.
Ashley Papa is a writer who has been featured in MSN, Reader's Digest, Yahoo, and more.