Therapists Wish Couples Would Stop Fighting During This Tense Time
Your ability to listen and comprehend has been diminished. What will you do now?
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva You've been playing that unproductive conversation with your partner over and over in your mind — defending yourself, trying to figure out what to do next. You are losing sleep, it makes your heart pound, and it's hard to focus on work during the day. That's how you know you were fighting during the wrong time.
When you finally see them, you are furious, and now you are dying to tell them what you think of what they said or did. Well, stop! This is the wrong time to communicate.
Therapists wish you would stop fighting when you're angry. Here's why:
Your body doesn't want you to have a productive conversation
Let's take a look at what is going on in your body.
As your frustration and anger build, your heart rate becomes irregular and your body pumps excess cortisol (the stress hormone) and adrenalin into your system, giving you the energy to take action, as shown by research in Hormones and Behavior Journal.
However, at the same time, the energy to react is diverted from the energy to think! The cortical thinking brain gets less blood flow than when you are in a positive mood. So, now your ability to listen and comprehend has been diminished, and both are essential tools for communication!
Your body wants you to stay in the moment and go to battle
Psychotherapist Carole H Spivack agrees, explaining some of the downsides to talking while you are angry. "The worst time to address, repair, resolve, or deal with what got to you is when you are upset. Avoid discussing what occurred at that moment at all costs, or at least to whatever extent you can. You may not be thinking clearly and perceive the situation in a biased way. Give yourself time to digest what happened. Ask yourself, 'How can I step back and give myself time in the heat of the moment?'"
Spivak continues, "There are alternatives to reflexively lashing out or bottling up in these moments. Initially, when you feel angry or deeply hurt after someone says or does something, you feel it internally. That is automatic and involuntary and sometimes feels beyond your control. It is after being aware you had that strong, internal reaction you could decide what to do."
What to do instead of trying to talk when you're angry
Ground Picture via Shutterstock
Take a moment to find peace inside of yourself (not with your partner ... yet)
Take just a moment (seconds, really!) to find something to be grateful about. You could be grateful for your life, your breath, and maybe even your partner. Then, briefly visualize a chord of light physically connecting your heart with theirs — even if your brains can't connect just yet!
This might sound a bit corny, but try it and see the change in perspective and emotion that happens! Now, what is happening in your body?
Observe your heart rate relaxing and falling into a coherent rhythm
Your body produces oxytocin (the nurturing hormone) and DHEA (the youth hormone) and the blood is flowing to your thinking brain, as explained in the Handbook Of Cognition And Emotion. Now you can talk about what's on your mind and even listen to the feelings behind their words.
Even if they are angry, you can stay calm. You will see the big picture and help yourself stay clear-headed to say the right things and make the right decisions for the long run. Yet, when you both are angry, neither of you can think or listen clearly.
"Renowned couples researcher John Gottman discovered that when our heart rates are higher than 98 beats a minute, we may as well forget about conflict resolution. That’s because, at a higher heart rate, we lose access to the creative, conflict-resolving parts of our brains," advised marriage counselor Judy Tiesel-Jensen.
Jensen expands on the idea, "Those higher-functioning parts of our minds are put on hold because our brain "juice" is funneled to that more primitive part to determine if our survival is at stake. Once the heart rate returns to under 98 bpm, the juice flows back to our prefrontal lobes, and we can creatively problem-solve."
Taking time and space away from the situation and the anger about it is the first stop to resolving conflict and compromising, so give yourself enough time and space to reenter a clear-thinking mindset before going back in to talk about the issue.
Louann Schwager Tung is a relationship coach who works with people to help them find their forever person.