The Harmful 3-Letter Word To Never Say While Fighting (If You Want To Stay Married)
This word creeps in and increases distance and disconnection.
GaudiLab | Canva You can't understand why your partner claims you don't show them any respect. You're baffled your spouse says you're impossible to please.
None of what your partner says makes sense because, in your mind, you're always loving and supportive. As much as you try to figure out how to use more effective communication skills, nothing works because you don't know where the heart of the problem lies.
How can you save your marriage or fix what seems to be a broken relationship if you don't even know what you're doing wrong?
Before you discount what your special someone alleges, take some time to observe your words and habits and think about the way you've been communicating.
The 3-letter word to never say while fighting is "but" and here's why it's so harmful:
1. It stands in the way of effective communication
Unfortunately, it's commonly used in casual and serious conversations. This word stands in the way of effective communication between you and your partner and, ultimately, your capacity to have a long-lasting, healthy, and happy relationship, as explored in a behavioral analysis of apologies, forgiveness, and conflict published in the Behavior and Social Issues Journal.
Here are just a few examples of the way "but" can creep into the conversation and destroy your best intentions:
- "I love you, but I wish you were more romantic."
- "I respect you, but you do tend to be wishy-washy."
- "You are beautiful, but you've put on a few pounds lately."
- "I want your input, but here's what I've decided to do ... "
The "but" in each statement wipes away the compliment or appreciation preceding it. "But" is almost always a word of exclusion and negation.
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2. It emphasizes disappointment or criticism
Many use the word 'but' to deliver what we think while intending to soften the harshness. Despite this attempt, the emphasis is on our disappointment or criticism.
Your partner sees right through this. He or she will mostly hear whatever comes after the "but" and is likely to feel confused, hurt, and angry because of it. A study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships suggests being avoidant and defensive is why trying to communicate better has, up until this point, failed.
Luckily, there is hope. You just have to watch your "buts." Try this experiment for two or three days: Listen closely to what you say to and about your partner.
When you hear yourself using the word "but" — or even just thinking about it — pay attention to these three things:
- How you're feeling
- What you want to say
- How will your partner react once you've said it
If you notice that you have a habit of including a lot of "buts" in your speech, you're not alone.
With any damaging habit, it's necessary to notice what you're doing first. That is the simple first act toward saving your marriage or solving your relationship problems.
Next, learn how to say it in a new way. Get curious about what you want to say to your partner but don't know how to express effectively, as supported by a series of studies on apology content and gender published in the Journal of Applied Psychology. This could be something you've been hinting at and hedging around, or maybe it's something you've already said but not tactfully.
Your "buts" may also sneak in when you make a request or share your opinion, then don't see much follow through or positive change from your partner as a result.
Sometimes, promises or agreements are made but then ignored. Nobody wants to be a nag or a complainer, but the point here isn't that you're doing anything wrong or bad by peppering your talk with "buts."
It's that "buts" rarely invite follow-through or engaged, active listening from your partner. The "buts," in essence, shut down your best efforts at effective communication.
As unfair as it may seem that you have to do anything different when it's your partner who is stubbornly clinging to their ways, if you want to see a change, there will be times when you simply have to take the lead. A study on relationship communication in Frontiers in Psychology supports that finding new, more productive ways to communicate is a way to do that.
Before engaging in a conversation with your partner about something you would like to see change, experiment, in your mind or on paper, with different words and phrasing you can use to explain how you feel in a way that is authentic for you and may be easier for your partner to hear.
It's not necessary — or advisable — for you to fake or deny how you feel or what you want. Instead, focus on your priorities related to the situation and come up with ways you can phrase your requests to clearly and effectively communicate what you want.
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Susie and Otto Collins are Certified Transformative Coaches who help awaken love and possibilities in your life.