11 Phrases Narcissists Use To Trick People Into Thinking They're Nice
Charm is currency in a narcissist’s economy.
Oleg Golovnev / Shutterstock At first glance, narcissists can appear unusually generous, thoughtful, and even charming. They may give compliments freely or present themselves as the most supportive person in the room. To the untrained eye, this can look like authentic kindness. But unlike genuine empathy, narcissistic kindness is rarely unconditional. Their generosity often comes with strings attached, and those strings are pulled when obedience, admiration, or silence is required.
In order to get people hooked, there are specific phrases narcissists use to trick people into thinking they're nice. Understanding what they are actually doing is critical in identifying narcissistic behavior. It’s not just about what they say, but why they say it.
Here are 11 phrases narcissists use to trick people into thinking they're nice
1. 'I did all of this for you.'
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This phrase reeks of manipulation and control. It portrays the narcissist as selfless and noble, positioning you to be ungrateful if you push back with dissatisfaction. Narcissists do this to guilt trip you into compliance, making you feel indebted to them in some way or ashamed for wanting things differently.
A narcissist who is high in antagonism might use it to guilt-trip or control. The grandiose type of narcissist might even say things that boost their ego or be seen as the savior and hero. By framing their actions as sacrifices made for your benefit they mask their hidden motives all while avoiding accountability with you.
This tactic helps maintain the power in the relationship while keeping their image intact.
2. 'I just want peace.'
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Narcissists only want peace when they have exhausted too much in a conversation or are trying to dismiss your feelings. Interestingly, research shows that narcissists not only report feeling ostracized more often, but they are also more likely to be ostracized by others due to their own behaviors. It's often not about resolving conflict but about shutting down a conversation that makes them uncomfortable or threatens their control over you.
This creates a cycle of them playing peach maker while also being the one that constantly disrupts the peace. By positioning themselves as the calm, collected party, they can paint the other person as combative or unreasonable. It’s less about making peace and more about preserving their own comfort and asserting their dominance in the relationship.
3. 'You're so sensitive, I was just joking.'
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This manipulative phrase works to invalidate your feelings and shift your focus away from the narcissists actions. It also shames you for feeling hurt by their behaviors, as if your emotional response is the problem. This is all rooted in gaslighting, to make you question your reality and make you feel guilty about setting boundaries.
"Parents with narcissistic qualities can have a lot of bravado but little ego strength," says Mark Shelvock RP, CT, MACP, MA.
A narcissistic parent who uses humor as a shield to deflect from responsibility, while simultaneously guilting their child into accepting their behavior as normal or harmless can lead to the child having patterns of self-doubt as well as setting boundaries in the future.
4. 'I'm just being honest.'
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Honesty is almost always appreciated, but when it is used to justify hurtful, judgmental, or manipulative remarks, then it becomes a problem. Narcissists do this to evade responsibility for their tone and what they say. Whatever they say they do actually mean, even if it’s in the heat of anger, it’s just they haven’t found the right moment to tell the other person yet.
In healthy communication, honesty is paired with empathy and respect. But when a narcissistic parent, partner, or friend uses this line, it is often used as a weapon, not a virtue. This can lead you to second guess yourself and wonder if you are truly over reacting or not.
5. 'Nobody else would put up with you like I do.'
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Don't be fooled, this is not a gesture of devotion from a narcissist but one of emotional manipulation dressed up as loyalty. This phrase is meant to make you feel grateful for being tolerated, rather than supported or loved. It sends the message that you're difficult, flawed, or unlovable and the narcissist is doing you a favor by staying.
The reality is far worse. They are using guilt and fear of abandonment to keep you dependent on them so that you will not leave them.
"A narcissist may utilize the defense mechanisms of idealization and devaluation to gain emotional control," says Erin Leonard Ph.D.
This cycle often begins with idealization, where the narcissist puts someone on a pedestal, showering them with praise, affection, and attention to quickly form an intense emotional bond. But once they start to show imperfections, the narcissist begins to discard them.
6. 'Everyone says how lucky you are to have me.'
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Rather than expressing genuine connection or mutual appreciation, the narcissist considers themselves the more valuable partner in the dynamic. They expect you to put them above yourself and when you don’t they will throw it back at you in some way. Over time, you begin to doubt your own worth and start to believe that you will not be treated better by anyone else. It’s a classic narcissistic strategy, elevating themselves while diminishing others.
"Social psychologists report a steady increase in narcissism measures among college students," says Nigel Barber Ph.D.
This is due to the rise of individualism and self-promotion on social media. We live in a culture that focuses on appearance and achievement.
7. 'Wow, you actually look good today!'
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This is what's called a backhanded compliment, a subtle jab wrapped in flattery. While it might sound like a kind remark at first, the inclusion of actually implies that you usually don’t look good and that today is some rare exception. It's all about undermining your self-esteem while appearing like they're giving you praise.
This type of comment is often used to keep you off balance by questioning how others see you. It also reinforces their position as the one who gets to define your worth or attractiveness. Narcissists, particularly narcissistic parents, use this to chip away at your confidence, making you more dependent on their approval and making you more vulnerable to further emotional manipulation.
8. 'I'm the only one who truly understands you.'
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This phrase is often used as emotional manipulation in order to isolate you and create a sense of codependency. By claiming to be the only person who can understand you, they position themselves as your sole emotional support. This makes it harder for you to turn to others for comfort or advice on the situation. At the same time, it diminishes the value of your other relationships and makes you feel as if you can't trust or confide in anyone else.
"By recognizing how a narcissist’s arsenal works, you can reduce the potential harm they may try to inflict upon you," says Dan Neuharth Ph.D., MFT.
Awareness is the first step toward reclaiming your emotional clarity back and setting healthy boundaries that keep manipulative dynamics in check.
9. 'I forgive you.'
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This tactic can be especially manipulative if you haven’t actually done anything wrong or apologized for anything. It creates guilt, confusion, and a sense of emotional obligation that keeps you entangled in their cycle of control. Over time, it teaches you to accept guilt for things that aren’t yours to carry, reinforcing the narcissist’s dominance in the relationship.
But as Stephanie A. Sarkis, Ph.D., wisely reminds us, “Remind yourself that you are not responsible for the narcissist’s behavior or emotions.” Their reactions, cruelty, or manipulation are choices they make, not reflections of your worth or actions. Recognizing this is a crucial step in breaking free from their emotional hold.
10. 'I hate drama.'
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Narcissists hate drama, but the issue is that, more often than not, they are the drama and the force behind it. It's a way of throwing stones and then hiding their hands. They often look for an argument or a fight but begin to backtrack or make it about your reaction instead of acknowledging what they did to get you to your breaking point.
Men are often diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder due to their grandiose traits, while women's manifestations of narcissism are often more covert, relational, or vulnerable and therefore more frequently overlooked or misunderstood. Their manipulation often flies under the radar because it is cloaked in socially acceptable behaviors such as caretaking or concern, which makes it even more damaging for those on the receiving end.
11. 'I'm a nice person.'
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Nice people never have to announce how nice they actually are. Rather than letting their actions speak for themselves, narcissistic people announce their goodness, usually to deflect from criticism or manipulate perceptions. It serves as a reminder to everyone that they’re the good guys, even if their behaviors tell a different story.
"Trouble arises once more is asked of them than they want to give," says Tonya Lester LCSW.
This is when the masks slip. As soon as the emotional investment becomes a two-way street, they may retreat or retaliate for being too 'needy' or 'difficult.' In truth, genuinely kind people rarely need to assert their kindness, it just naturally shows in how they listen and treat others.
Sylvia Ojeda is an author who has over a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest topics.
