7 Things Children Of Narcissists Are Most Likely To Bring Up With Their Therapist

At center stage, the parent is illuminated by the glow of a spotlight controlled by their child. The child moves to keep the focus on the parent, but the child remains silent to allow the parent's words to echo.

The child grows into an adult and continues to operate the spotlight, feeling like little more than a part of the stage crew in the grand performance of their narcissistic parent. As adults, they likely seek out something similar in their life partners and repeat their stage crew role in the same performance but with a different lead actor center stage.

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can feel like living in a world where love is earned, not given. For many adult children of narcissists, the impact doesn't just fade with time — it follows them into relationships, self-image, and especially into the therapist’s office.

Here are things children of narcissists are most likely to bring up with their therapist:

1. Lingering self-doubt

Woman has self-doubt from being the child of a narcisisst GaudiLab via Shutterstock

Relational Coach Niki Payne knows one of the most common things adult children of narcissists bring up in therapy is the constant self-doubt they carry, even in situations where they're competent.

They often question their feelings, needs, and worth because they grew up being gaslit or emotionally invalidated. Therapy becomes a space where they learn to trust themselves, set boundaries without guilt, and stop over-functioning in relationships to earn love or approval.

2. Feeling abandoned and not heard or understood

An adult child of a narcissist feels abandoned by everyone fizkes via Shutterstock

Unhealthy family dynamics are complexly tangled webs of emotional conflict and weaponized expectations, explains parenting coach Carolyn Hidalgo. Lingering conflicts, whether recent or historical, create tension within the family and put a strain on healthy relationships.

Being kind and patient with yourself and your family members are powerful change-makers. Change takes time, and remember flare-ups can happen and are often needed to get to the other side toward a better place.

3. Being a people pleaser

Woman tries to please narcissistic man Antonio Guillem via Shutterstock

When a client tells me they are a "people pleaser" it is a potential red flag they may have had a narcissistic parent, observes therapist Gloria Brame. What I hear again and again from self-aware children of narcissists is their inner lives are completely different from their outer lives.

On the outside, they are accommodating, entertaining, compliant, and will jump through hoops to please their parents. However, on the inside, these children struggle with fear of abandonment, chronic anxiety, low self-esteem, enmeshment with their parents, depression, and shame because they never feel good enough.

4. Avoiding conflict to seek approval

Child of narcissist is now conflict avoidant man Pics Five via Shutterstock

Their parent also trained them to believe that love is conditional on how they behave, Dr. Brame continues. This may make them feel responsible for the parent's emotional state. So they may silence their own voice to avoid conflict or parental displeasure. Many of them are starved for an approval they will never get from their parents.

5. Keeping the parent on a pedestal

Narcissist mother makes adult child keep her on a pedestal imtmphoto via Shutterstock

For most clients, the approval-seeking pattern continues in adulthood, advises Dr. Brame. They may develop attachment disorders and a deep, abiding fear of saying the wrong thing. They may also insist their childhood was normal. They feel it's a shameful betrayal to dwell on the parent's flaws. Indeed, even when they accept the parent may be a narcissist, they still need to keep them on a pedestal.

They say things like "But Mom is so beautiful," or "Dad has so much talent," as if those traits compensate for being emotionally abusive.

More for You:

Zodiac Signs Who Make Great Dads — Ranked From Best To Worst

10 Phrases People Use When They Weren't Raised With Good Manners

Your Parents Did A GREAT Job Raising You If You Now Have These 11 Things In Your Home

The One Parenting Mistake That Creates A Narcissist

6. Repeating toxic patterns in their love life

Narcissist man gestures to repeat love life mistakes Asier Romero via Shutterstock

For most children of narcissists, breaking approval-seeking patterns is excruciating. Acting like everything is fine when, deep down, they are suffering, has been their normal since childhood. Some even gravitate towards narcissistic partners in adulthood, who reinforce the message their personal emotional needs and desires are unimportant, Dr. Brame concluded.

7. Feeling like they don't even exist

Adult chuld of narcissist wonders is she exists Prostock-studio via Shutterstock

Shifting the entire conversation from what parents might have done differently frees us from confusion and suffering, recommends life coach Susan Allan. Turning the page on the past, once we have understood it, allows us to evolve and become the "humane beings" we longed to have as a parent.

Until we let go of the past we cannot create our future. Once we have healed so the triggers of competing for our parent's love and respect are gone, we become free.

Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.