10 Things That Happen To Families With A Narcissistic Parent Over Time
The trauma caused by a narcissist lasts for generations.
tairome | Shutterstock.com Even when other family members acknowledge them as unhealthy, families with narcissistic parents can be incredibly dysfunctional and have long-lasting impacts on the well-being of their partners and children. From maintaining a healthy atmosphere for parenting to overstepping boundaries, these narcissistic parents often prioritize their own needs and wants over those of their entire family.
According to a 2005 study on narcissism, these harmful tendencies often stem from a place of insecurity, manifesting as blame-shifting behaviors, self-absorbed practices, and toxic responses rooted in their easily offendable mindset. Frequently illuminated by interpersonal relationships, there are specific things that happen to families with a narcissistic parent over time that are difficult to unlearn and cope with.
Here are 10 things that happen to families with a narcissistic parent over time:
1.They stop gathering for holidays.
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While the consequences of a narcissistic parent, coined “narcissistic wounding” by professor Nina W. Brown in her book “Children of the Self-Absorbed,” linger in adult children’s relationships, connections, and identity, even after they’ve ceased contact, the most common trait of these families is their inability to gather for holidays and family celebrations.
From birthdays to typical holiday celebrations, families with a narcissistic parent will often stop gathering together, wounded not only by this toxic parent’s behavior, but also by the personal struggles they’ve been burdened with after growing up in their home.
While they tend to struggle with cultivating one, the partners and children of these parents are forced to rely on their inner circle and community to celebrate, rather than their family.
2.Family members lose contact with each other.
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When the connection between family members into adulthood is nearly always a discussion or complaint about a narcissistic family member when that person is removed from the dynamic — whether by a “no contact” order or otherwise — other people in the family tend to fall out of touch. Without the shared experience of navigating that narcissistic and toxic relationship, they often don’t have anything to bond over.
According to the author of the book “Is There A Narcissist In Your Life,” Amanda Clymont, this familial estrangement is almost inevitable for family dynamics with a narcissistic parent. Even after that person is “cut out” or passes away, the consequence of their impact on the family’s health and well-being lingers.
Many people who grow up with a narcissistic parent tend to focus all their time and energy on that relationship, either by mitigating conflict or protecting the peace, that their own identity and growth are pushed to the side. When they’re no longer “responsible” or burdened with that duty, the actual consequences to their self-esteem become more apparent.
3.Children develop narcissistic tendencies of their own.
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According to a 2015 study on the origins of narcissism, many adult children adopt certain narcissistic tendencies of their parents, usually regarding ideas about superiority and parent overevaluation. While the development of narcissism is largely under-researched, most experts agree that an unhealthy childhood environment, and more specifically, a toxic parent, can contribute to misguided and self-absorbed tendencies.
Instead of harnessing the power of “parental warmth,” as the study investigates, to promote self-esteem in children, these narcissistic parents tend to promote competition, unrealistic expectations for success, and overbearing tendencies in their children — keeping the cycle of toxicity going, even into adulthood.
4.Familial interactions seem shadowed by negativity.
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For families with a narcissistic parent who still get together, most interactions are tainted by the negativity of their actions or language. Significantly, with children who grew up trying to self-regulate amid their parent’s toxic behavior, being in the same room again only adds to the resentment and grief they’re coping with.
Instead of enjoying a birthday party, connecting with relatives, or having a fun Thanksgiving meal, families with a narcissistic parent feel obligated to “protect the peace,” a tendency that Harvard psychologist Dr. Craig Malkin argues is far too common amongst similar family dynamics.
5.Adult children struggle to maintain their own personal relationships.
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As a 2018 study on narcissistic parents argues, it is typical of adult children with similar backgrounds; many will struggle with maintaining their healthy relationships into adulthood. Their tendency to protect other people’s emotions at the expense of their own and self-isolate in response to conflict directly sabotages the open communication needed to cultivate healthy connections.
Suppose they choose to go “no contact” with their narcissistic parent or their entire family as a result of the shared experience. In that case, they’re often forced to experience the burden of loneliness on their own — capable of cultivating a healthy inner circle for support and healing.
6.Everyone becomes competitive with each other.
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Many families with narcissistic parents that maintain contact often develop a toxic competitive dynamic with each other, trying to earn validation and attention from their parents. Especially considering that narcissistic parents often cultivate a transactional relationship with their kids growing up, rewarding them for achieving goals and taking away emotional support when they “fail,” this same tendency tends to inform their relationships into adulthood.
Informed by their parent’s inflated ego and sense of superiority, many adult children will internalize that experience, as a study from Brain Informatics suggests, and compete with each other to fulfill their need for validation.
Not only does this competition breed disconnect between siblings and other parents, it prevents everyone in the family from maintaining an aura of self-assuredness and self-esteem that acts as the foundation for healthy relationships.
7.Boundaries aren’t respected.
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Creating and asserting boundaries with a narcissist is essentially “a lifeline” for family members hoping to protect their emotional well-being and sanity, at least according to family therapist Daniel Dashnaw. With clear communication and the ability to self-advocate, family members can ensure they’re not being taken advantage of.
However, having spent their entire lives with this person, some toxic things happen to families with narcissistic parents over time when it comes to setting boundaries. Not only are they challenging to enforce, as adult children's “people-pleasing” tendencies never truly fade without being properly acknowledged, but they’re often overstepped when families are in constant contact with one another.
8.They become emotionally abusive.
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While many family dynamics with a narcissistic parent harbor occasional emotionally abusive tendencies early on, as time goes on and children enter adulthood, these tendencies can grow more extreme — especially amongst other family members who feel forced to protect their space in a language that their narcissistic parent understands: with blame-shifting, emotional invalidation, and attention-seeking behaviors.
As siblings fight for validation, parents struggle to maintain a healthy relationship in an empty home, emotional support is wholly dismissed, family gatherings grow tumultuous, and the entire family dynamic becomes a pillar of anxiety and toxicity for everyone involved.
9.Everyone keeps secrets.
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Many narcissistic families, driven by a toxic parent or leader, are constantly worried about external validation and their “public image,” so it’s not uncommon for members to feel pressured into secret-keeping.
With manipulative tactics and deception, they’re forced to pretend that “everything is fine” — crafting a misguided image of the perfect family, while they suffer with isolation and emotional burdens. It’s this denial that contributes to an overwhelming sense of resentment amongst families with a narcissistic parent, that drives a wedge into any hope of a healthy connection.
10.Siblings start blackmailing each other.
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As one child is more likely to become the “surrogate spouse,” or the pillar of emotional validation and attention for a narcissistic parent in this family dynamic, as therapist Kaytee Gillis explains, disconnects between siblings are familiar. Resentment often builds as one sibling sacrifices their own life and well-being to “protect the peace,” impacting the bond they share personally — even outside the context of their parents.
As a result, the complex feelings and shared experiences of having a narcissistic parent become “blackmails” between siblings — often used as a means to assert dominance or superiority over the other. The same validation- and attention-seeking behavior they despised in their parents starts to define their own.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News and entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health and wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.