The Simple Behavior That Reveals A Couple Is Happily Married, According To A Philosophy PhD
Friendship is much more important than you might think.
StockImageFactory.com | Shutterstock A happy marriage isn’t always easy. There are times when it takes a lot of work. It would certainly be nice if there was some way to make that work easier. While every relationship is different and will have different needs, a philosopher thinks he has found the answer when it comes to determining if a couple is truly happily married. It all comes down to a trait that has little to do with romance and everything to do with friendship.
A philosophy PhD said a simple behavior can reveal if a couple is happily married.
Julian de Medeiros holds a Ph.D. in philosophy and is a lecturer at the University of Kent. He’s amassed quite a following on TikTok, where he has 1.4 million followers. Recently, de Medeiros shared his thoughts on marriage and what makes a relationship successful in a video that got over four million views.
To make his point, de Medeiros quoted French philosopher and author Michel de Montaigne, who was active during the French Renaissance. “If such a thing as a happy marriage exists, then it is because it more closely resembles friendship than it does love,” de Montaigne said.
The philosophy PhD agreed that a strong friendship is the key to a happy marriage.
“What he meant is that love is a good starting point, but if you want to be together for a long time, you have to become best friends,” he said of de Montaigne’s words.
He shared another quote, this one from a more modern thinker, Dr. Seuss, that backed up what he was saying. “The world is weird,” Seuss said. “Everyone is weird. And yet, when two people whose weirdness is mutually compatible join forces and fall into mutual weirdness together, they call it love.”
“And that’s what a happy marriage is,” de Medeiros stated. “It’s the highest form of friendship.”
It’s interesting because most people consider love, compatibility, and romantic interest to be the most important factors in a healthy relationship or marriage. However, de Medeiros explained that the most important thing is actually to be good friends, something that some couples tend to gloss over or even outright ignore. And he’s not the only one who feels that way.
A therapist agreed that friendship is the foundation of a happy marriage.
Jeff Guenther, LPC, is known as Therapy Jeff on TikTok and shared his own thoughts on the link between relationship success and friendship in his own recent video that was completely unrelated to de Medeiros’. Guenther has been a couples therapist for two decades, so he’s seen it all at this point.
“What’s the number one predictor of long-term relationship success?” he asked. “It is friendship. Kind of boring, huh? No, it’s not boring. It is beautiful. The strongest relationships, the ones that go the distance, are built on a solid foundation of friendship. That means you actually like each other, you laugh together, you know how to be kind, curious and emotionally safe with each other, even when things get hard.”
If you don’t feel like you have an existing friendship in your relationship, Guenther insisted it’s not too late. “So what if you’re not feeling like friends right now?” he asked. “You can rebuild it, but you’re gonna have to prioritize seeing your partner as a friend in addition to being a lover, a co-parent, a roommate or whatever other roles you’re juggling.”
Licensed marriage and family therapist Joseph Cavins told PsychCentral, “When the foundation of your marriage is built on a strong friendship, you’re setting yourself up for a fulfilling union. The beauty of having friendship in marriage is that it naturally bolsters communication and trust.”
While friendship may sound boring to some, like Guenther said, it is the foundation that any solid relationship, including marriage, is built upon. Its importance cannot be overstated. While love is wonderful, being friends first sets you up for success.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
