11 Phrases Parents Say That Unintentionally Create People-Pleasing Kids
Even if you have your child's best interests at heart, repeating these phrases can create kids who over-focus on pleasing others.
Sergii Kozii / Shutterstock Parents typically want the best for their children, but sometimes the things they say with the best of intentions can have unintended consequences. Without realizing it, certain phrases parents say can create people-pleasing kids, teaching children to put others' needs ahead of their own.
While you may be trying to encourage kindness, harmony, or consideration, these seemingly harmless words can quietly shape a child’s sense of self-worth and boundaries for the worse.
Here are 11 phrases parents say that unintentionally create people-pleasing kids
1. ‘Do it for me, please.’
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock
Children naturally want to make their parents happy so when they hear this, they might believe their worth comes from constantly meeting others’ expectations. Over time, this mindset can lead to an unhealthy pattern of trying to please everyone, often at the cost of their own happiness.
“People-pleasing is linked to less present and sensitive parenting,” says Erin O’Connor, Ed.D. She goes on to say that parents who teach their children to please other people are most likely to be people pleasers themselves. While it’s important to help others, it’s just as important for kids to learn to prioritize their own needs and boundaries.
2. ‘What will people think?’
pics five | Shutterstock
Children, especially as they’re developing their identity, look to their parents for guidance and when they hear this phrase it can create a fear of judgment. This fear often leads to an overwhelming desire to please others even at the expense of their own happiness and values.
By constantly worrying about how others will perceive them, children may grow up feeling that their worth is determined by external validation rather than their own internal compass. It’s important for parents to help children understand the value of staying true to themselves and making decisions based on their own beliefs, rather than constantly seeking approval from others.
3. ‘Be nice, don’t hurt their feelings.’
New Africa | Shutterstock
While kindness is important, this repeated message can create a sense of obligation in children to constantly accommodate others, even if it means ignoring their own feelings or needs. Over time, children may learn to avoid conflict or suppress their true emotions just to keep others happy, which can lead them to become people-pleasers.
Susan Krauss Whitbourne PhD, ABPP states that just because someone is nice doesn’t mean that they are necessarily happy. It's essential for parents to teach their children the importance of setting healthy boundaries, expressing their own feelings honestly, and understanding that it's okay not to always please everyone.
By encouraging both kindness and self-respect, parents can help their children grow into balanced individuals who are considerate without compromising their own well-being.
4. ‘You should always try to make others happy.’
fizkes | Shutterstock
While the intention behind this advice is often to encourage kindness and empathy, it can lead children to believe that their worth comes from constantly making others happy. This mindset can make children feel responsible for other people's emotions, causing them to put their own needs aside to avoid conflict or disappointment.
According to one study, the more people value happiness the more they might set themselves up for disappointment, especially when they feel they should be happy but aren’t. As a result, children that this may grow up becoming people-pleasers, always trying to meet others' expectations while neglecting their own desires and boundaries.
5. ‘Don’t say no to people.’
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock
Parents can help by encouraging their children to think for themselves, make choices that align with their values, and understand that it's okay to say no sometimes. When they are told to never say ‘no’ is where the problems begin. They may struggle to set healthy boundaries, often feeling guilty or anxious about saying no. This teaches kids that it’s wrong to set boundaries or express their own needs, fostering a fear of rejection or conflict.
They can become people-pleasers who prioritize others' comfort over their own, even in situations where saying no would be necessary for their own mental and emotional health.
Parents can help by teaching their children the importance of balance, being kind and considerate while also knowing that it’s okay to say no when needed to protect their own needs and happiness.
6. ‘You need to make everyone like you.’
Budimir Jevtic | Shutterstock
As they grow, they may feel the constant pressure to meet others' expectations and avoid conflict, often at the cost of their own feelings, needs, or boundaries. This can create an unhealthy pattern of trying to please everyone, even when it's not in their best interest.
“The reality is that what others think of us is none of our business,” says Allison Abrams. LCSW-R.
Parents can help by teaching their children that it’s okay not to be liked by everyone and that their worth doesn’t depend on others’ opinions. Encouraging self-acceptance and authentic relationships is key to fostering healthy emotional development.
7. ‘I just want you to be happy.’
Thaninee Chuensomchit | Shutterstock
While the sentiment is rooted in love and a desire for their child’s well-being, this phrase can create pressure to constantly seek happiness, often by meeting the expectations of others. Children may interpret this as meaning that their worth is tied to their ability to make others happy, leading them to put aside their own needs and desires to please those around them.
“Egoic thoughts create suffering because they attempt to control or change whatever is occurring right now, rather than accepting circumstances as they are in the present,” says Robert Puff Ph.D. Parents can help by emphasizing that true happiness comes from within and that it's okay to make decisions based on what feels right for them, rather than feeling the need to constantly please others.
Teaching children to balance their own well-being with caring for others can help break this pattern.
8. ‘You’re the reason they’re upset.’
Motortion Films | Shutterstock
Blaming a child for someone else’s emotional state can create guilt and responsibility for others' feelings, making them feel they must fix things to maintain peace. This can develop into a pattern where the child feels obligated to please others and suppress their own needs in order to maintain peace or avoid blame.
It's important for parents to help children understand that they are not solely responsible for the emotions of others, and that it’s okay to have their own feelings and set boundaries. Encouraging self-awareness and emotional responsibility can help children grow into confident individuals who understand the importance of both empathy and self-care.
9. ‘It’s okay, just don’t upset anyone.’
Photo By: Kaboompics.com | Pexels
They might grow up believing that their worth is tied to keeping everyone happy, which can result in suppressing their own feelings, needs, or desires to avoid causing upset. This can create a pattern of people-pleasing, where the child constantly seeks to please others, even at their own expense.
Parents can help by teaching children that it's okay to express their own feelings and set boundaries. Encouraging children to understand that they don’t have to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting others allows them to develop healthier and more authentic relationships.
10. ‘You don’t want to disappoint me, do you?’
cottonbro studio | Pexels
This phrase can make children feel obligated to meet their parents’ expectations out of fear of letting them down, fostering a pattern of prioritizing others' approval over their own desires. This can create a pattern where the child feels compelled to always seek approval and avoid saying no, which can limit their ability to set healthy boundaries or make independent decisions.
“Disappointment isn’t inherently bad. Opportunity and growth can come from disappointing situations,” says Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D. Parents can help by reassuring their children that they are loved and valued regardless of their actions and that it's okay to make mistakes or have their own preferences.
Teaching children that their self-worth isn't dependent on pleasing others can help them grow into confident individuals who can balance caring for others with taking care of themselves.
11. ‘It’s not about you, it’s about them.’
RDNE Stock project | Pexels
This can make children feel that their own feelings or needs are less important than others, encouraging them to neglect their own well-being in favor of pleasing or accommodating others. The child may struggle to assert themselves, believing that their own needs are secondary or less important.
Researchers from the University of British Columbia found that centering your children above others rather than the other way around can make parents happier. It’s important for parents to also emphasize that while being considerate of others is important, it's equally important to respect and take care of one’s own needs.
Teaching children the value of self-awareness and healthy boundaries can help them grow into balanced individuals who understand the importance of both empathy and self-care.
Sylvia Ojeda is an author who has over a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest topics.