4 Phrases People Pleasers Can Use To Set Boundaries With People Who Take Advantage Of Them, According To A Therapist
Setting boundaries can ensure your own health, safety, and happiness.
denisapolkaphotos, pesky / CanvaPro People pleasers are chronically empathetic — oftentimes to a fault. They tend to neglect their own needs, health, and passions for the benefit of others.
While it may be difficult, people pleasers need to set clear boundaries in their lives to protect their peace and fend off people who easily take advantage of their kindness.
Here are 4 phrases people pleasers can use to set boundaries with people taking advantage of them, according to a therapist.
Abby Rawlinson, a London therapist who specializes in anxiety and self-esteem struggles, posted four important phrases people should adopt in a recent Instagram post. Especially for people pleasers, these phrases can define boundaries that provide clarity and peace — and force distance between toxic people in your life.
1. “Sorry, I’m swamped right now, but maybe we can catch up later?”
This phrase is useful in many different spaces, especially when a family member, coworker or stranger is distracting you from something. For example, at work, if your boss constantly comes over to your desk to ask for more favors, in turn hindering your productivity.
Sometimes, all we need is an effective statement that helps us to advocate for ourselves instead of trying to please everyone. Because oftentimes, that only hurts us in the long run.
2. “I appreciate your concern, but this is my decision.”
Rawlinson suggests using this phrase when someone tries to give you unwanted or unsolicited advice.
It’s a situation we know all too well — whether it be a family member, a spouse or even a stranger online. When we find ourselves in the midst of a major life decision, there’s always going to be someone who wants to give their two cents.
Unsolicited advice can be very stressful for people making decisions in their lives — so don’t give it out, if they don’t ask for it!
For people pleasers, setting this boundary means you can have full confidence and control over your decision-making, without harboring regrets about whose advice you followed. This boundary helps to prevent resentment, promote confidence, and maintain healthy space between you and the important people in your life. And, remember, you can always go back to ask for their input!
3. “Thanks so much for inviting me, but I won’t be able to make it.”
This phrase is a step towards removing the guilt for simply saying “no” to plans that you don’t want to go to, whether it’s because you’re tired, sick, or simply uninterested.
Surely people pleasers struggle the most with this. When their friends, families, and significant others ask them to come out, they feel obligated to come along. This phrase can set that boundary without the “harshness” of having to simply say “no.”
However, it’s still important to remember that “no'' is a complete sentence. You should be your first priority — if you need space, time to recover or want to make other plans, you have the right to do so.
4. “I’m happy to have this conversation with you, but it’s not okay for you to shout at me.”
From people pleasers to those scared of confrontation, the line above can be a game-changer, allowing you to set boundaries and create space with people who disrespect you in tumultuous times. Nobody deserves to be spoken to aggressively, and you should be reminding people that although you’re empathetic, you’re not to be taken advantage of.
Louder, more actively confrontational people, tend to take the floor in arguments, simply by inherent aggression. However, anger doesn’t magically dissipate for people pleasers — instead, it lingers and manifests itself in interesting ways.
Dr. Annie Zimmerman talks about this in her book “Your Pocket Therapist,” suggesting that people pleasers often have imaginary arguments in their heads to relieve the anger of confrontation in real life. They’re often extinguishing their anger to ensure others are comfortable and have space to speak on their thoughts in person and silencing their own anger to deal with in private.
This is far from healthy — in fact, it has significant effects on social anxiety and self-esteem issues later in life.
People pleasers deserve space in civil discussions and heated confrontations alike — and using this phrase can help to preserve the boundaries that give them a seat at the table.
People pleasers often show unwarranted empathy in many aspects of their lives and need boundaries to protect themselves.
So, if you feel like you often adopt extra work, are friendly to people who disregard your presence or are anxious about confrontation, you might be a people pleaser.
Ensure that you are setting boundaries and advocating for yourself in spaces where other people are selfishly ignorant to empathy.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a news and entertainment writer at YourTango focusing on pop culture analysis and human interest stories.