10 Subtle Signs The Love Isn't Gone And Your Relationship Can Still Be Saved
You aren't all out of love, you just need to remember your 'why'.
ViDI Studio | Shutterstock People do some thoughtless things in relationships. When you spend a lifetime together, some hurt and sadness is inevitable. But too many people give up easily, before they've truly explored whether their relationship can be saved.
Years ago, I was speaking with a professional, appealing guy. He told me how he divorced his wife. They weren’t getting along, he said. She remarried within a relatively short time. He saw his ex-wife with her new spouse and was furiously thinking he did not want her to be with that guy. He wanted her back.
Amazingly, somehow, he managed to tell her how much he regretted his hasty exit from the marriage. Since she had never stopped loving him, she divorced her second husband and remarried this guy. But couldn't all of this been prevented?
Here are 10 clear signs the love isn't gone and a troubled relationship can still be saved
1. You can overlook the cons
Many people find that when comparing between two choices, instead of comparing pros and cons of each choice, decisions are helped by just looking at the “cons” of each alternative.
So make a list of the cons of staying with this partner versus the cons of leaving. When you look at the list, do the cons of leaving seem heartbreaking and ominous? If so, clearly the love is not gone.
2. You automatically consider them in choices
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At the grocery, do you automatically gravitate to the food your partner loves? How about when planning for the future: your next job, your education path, or even your vacations?
At first, this might be habit. But after a while, it might go deeper!
3. You smile at old photos
If you look at a good photo of the two of you from a few years ago, do you smile?
4. You always have more fun with them than others
Have you traveled locally or on a trip with a friend, and did you find yourself thinking you would have more fun with your partner than you are having with your current companion?
5. You keep relationship business private
If your partner has done something rotten to you, do you not want to tell your best friend or your parents, because you don’t want your best friend or parents to think poorly of them? That probably means that somewhere, inside, you are hoping to keep them around.
6. You still have a 'thing' for them
Do you still think about them when you are alone? Are they still your "best ever"? Is it impossible to imagine being with someone else, physically?
7. You recognize the imperfections
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You know they aren't perfect, but are you being realistic? Do you see their imperfections and your own? How many of these are common among adults who are together and how much is truly a problem?
- Could you try paying more attention to your foibles in interacting with other people?
- Can you try noticing other people’s multiple missteps and failings?
- Can you ask some friends about the annoying behavior of their partners?
After noticing the result of this experiment for a few weeks, how do you feel? Is your annoyance typical or really a problem?
8. You can call up forgiveness
Could you plumb the depths of your ability to hold a grudge, and let yourself think sadly about some of the great people you have expelled from your life?
Talk to yourself in the third person about the grudges you are holding. After you do this, call up your hurt and anger toward your partner and see if you can imagine forgiving them.
9. You can smell the good feelings
As suggested by a study in Memory & Cognition, if you close your eyes and imagine smelling a T-shirt they have worn, do you feel good feelings in your body?
10. You care enough to cry
Try this exercise: lie on the floor, on a rug or a yoga pad. Breathe slowly and deeply for three or four minutes. (Use a timer) Think of something this person did recently to you that hurt you badly.
Now, as if you are a child who wants to be picked up, reach out your arms and imagine they are there, and ask for them to comfort you and apologize. If you do this and you cry, you are still quite attached. You have just been badly hurt and you need to repair. You might not be able to do it by yourself, but professional help is likely to work.
Nonchalantly breaking up a good relationship is foolhardy. Many people are desperately trying to find a good life companion. If a relationship has lasted for a few years, clearly there is some glue and that is not easy to find. So tap into your inner wisdom, and think through whether there is enough love left in your heart. I hope there is.
Psychologist Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D., is a psychologist and sex therapist near Boston, hosts her blog on the subject, and is an award-winning author of ‘SexSmart’, a book that explains how your family of origin has shaped your sexuality.