If You Want A Happier Marriage, It's Time To Accept These 6 Essential Truths From A Psychologist
Marriage does not make life perfect.
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva Wanting a happy marriage is a common aspiration, but great marriages don’t happen by accident. Fortunately, I've observed some truths to live by that can help.
Some are based on the knowledge of research I have as a psychologist and seasoned couple therapist who has been married, widowed and partnered again. Others are based on wisdom passed down by my mother, a smart and loving social worker who had a great marriage. I can nearly guarantee if you adhere to these rules, your marriage will get much better.
Six essential truths it's time to accept if you want a happier marriage
1. You must choose your mate wisely
Number one is something I have to share with you even though it might make you miserable and alarmed. Choose your mate wisely. If you have picked an extremely difficult mate, my guarantee, above, is voided. Seriously.
Research has shown a set of personality traits that make for happier marriages. The traits are labeled as Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism. These traits are called The Big Five Personality Traits, also known as OCEAN.
You want to pick a partner who is high on the first four traits and low on neuroticism. Your mate does not have to score perfectly on these, but if several of these five categories are problematic, trouble looms. Choosing someone simply because they are smart, good-looking, and/or wealthy does not lead to marital bliss.
2. Marriages fluctuate: Love is a choice, not a feeling
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Falling in love is amazing. It is one of the best feelings in the world. Yet, it’s so destabilizing, you believe you have found the perfect person so your life will be perfect. But the truth is marriages fluctuate.
Things will not always be wonderful. You won’t always feel “in love”. But if you consistently treat your partner with kindness and respect, you can weather the hard times. Here is Zoldbrod’s mantra for going forward: Love is a choice, not a feeling.
3. You don’t have to say everything you think or feel
Make one of your goals in life making your partner feel safe in the relationship. Consistently be kind. One rule my mom taught me is you do not have to say everything you think or feel.
Words can hurt, especially ones said impulsively. Once you say something, the other person cannot un-hear what you said to them. A helpful image is squeezing toothpaste out of the tube. It’s easy to squeeze toothpaste out. But once it’s out, you can’t put it back. So keep a lid on your angry words and careless criticism.
Right now, take a few minutes to think of something hurtful someone said to you quite a while ago. You haven’t forgotten it, right? And it still hurts to think of it. Sloppy criticism eats away at your partner’s ability to trust you. They need to be certain you will not cause them purposeful harm.
When you are unhappy with your partner, which will happen frequently, because you are both human, I wish you would journal about it. Maybe the feeling will dissipate. Or if it continues, you can think hard about how to carefully express your complaint. Don’t just blurt it out.
4. Do not compare your marriage to other marriages you see
One of my mother’s rules was you should never compare your marriage to anyone else’s marriage. (Research bears this out. Repeatedly comparing one’s romantic relationship with other couples can have negative consequences. It can affect a person and their mate’s relationship satisfaction, optimism, perceptions, and self-esteem.)
My mom told me a story about a couple she and my dad knew. They were both good-looking, well-dressed people, and at parties and events, they always danced together so beautifully, in a most romantic and glamorous way. Everyone envied them.
But a few years later, my mom was shocked when they divorced. It turns out, they fought all the time, and there was infidelity. Appearances are deceiving.
My mom always said, "Because people are all imperfect, whatever marriage you make, will have its problems." She’d comment how in each marriage, the people in it understood the deal they were making, the package they had bought, so to speak.
Most of the time, no one outside the marriage can understand why these other people are settling for their deal. (We are, most of us, competitive and judgy.) But, she’d say, it does not matter. As long as you know why you have made the deal you made with your partner.
She said this really funny thing, “To each his own, said the woman, as she kissed the purple cow.” Just focus on strengthening your bond, not on comparing
5. No mind reading: You have to ask
If you don’t ask, you are likely to not get it. One of the things I teach the couples I work with is you have to request what you want. This is a major challenge for many people. Frequently, I hear, “Well, if I have to ask for something, it’s just not as good as if my partner knows me well enough to spontaneously give it to me.”
I take the opposite view. If you are brave enough to ask for what you want, kindly, then kudos to you. I think it’s a constructive, effective, and mature thing to do.
If you grew up in a neglectful family, which is true for at least one-third of us, as shown in a 1993 study, it is especially difficult to train yourself to ask for what you want. Because your family of origin was unresponsive to your needs so out of self-defense, you trained yourself not to need anything from anyone.
If you have a loving partner as an adult, try to do the growth work on yourself. https://www.yourtango.com/self/ways-become-better-version-yourselfCompassionately tell yourself the feeling of longing for something from another is painful and triggering, but it is based on the past.
Hug your child-self but remember your current situation has improved. Petition your partner for what you want, and praise yourself for having the courage to do so.
6. You still might not get what you want, so normalize your disappointment
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Here is the last inconvenient truth: Even when you ask, you still may not get it. Behavioral scientist and psychologist Dr. John Gottman, who has studied relationships since 1972, believes two-thirds of the problems in typical marriages are not solvable! It’s normal to have the same conflicts repeatedly.
You did not marry your clone, so each of you will have different preferences in life. Those are likely not to change. So, you’re in charge of soothing yourself and telling yourself that in the total calculus of life, life is better with this partner than without, and disappointment is normal.
I have to circle back to my first paragraph. The instability of falling in love is you initially told yourself life would be perfect with your partner. It won’t be. This phenomenon is worsened in the initial stages of courting because each of us is more flexible and a bit chameleon-like while trying to appeal to the other person.
A person who doesn’t like to dance will go dancing, another, who doesn’t like camping will go camping, et. cetera. This, too, is a normal part of the mating process. As the years go by, who your partner is and what they like will emerge. It won’t be exactly what you want. Be flexible, philosophical, and generous to a mate who is a reliable, kind companion in life. If you have such a person, this is as good as life gets!
Psychologist Aline Zoldbrod Ph.D. is a psychologist and sex therapist near Boston, hosts her blog on the subject, and is an award-winning author of ‘SexSmart’, a book that explains how your family of origin has shaped your sexuality.