11 Behaviors Of People With Strong Boundaries Who Don't People-Please
If these traits sound familiar, you know how to uphold and enforce boundaries.
AntonioGuillem | Canva It can take some digging to find that a considerable proportion of people don't have strong boundaries and live in quiet desperation. They find themselves stuck in behavior patterns that feel noble but lead to frustration, resentment, and dissatisfaction.
Being ‘nice’ might not be all it seems on the surface; many people go through life wondering why all their efforts to impress and valiantly support others result in disrespect.
There are many people I know who live with people-pleasing behaviors and there are elements of the people-pleaser in all of us. Reading the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover was a huge eye-opener for me. Glover provides a roadmap for people to break free from ‘nice guy syndrome’ and step into their full, integrated selves.
Here are the behaviors of people with strong boundaries who don't people-please:
1. They don't seek validation
People-pleasers base their self-worth on how much approval they receive. They avoid conflict and go out of their way to please others, often at the expense of their own needs.
Stop relying on validation from others. You are already enough, believe it or not. They have to focus on validating themselves by recognizing their achievements, desires, and worth independently of others’ opinions.
2. They work to find the origin of their behavior
Many people develop their people-pleasing behaviors as coping mechanisms in response to childhood experiences. This often includes seeking approval from authority figures or avoiding punishment in an attempt to please them.
They need to reflect on how their upbringing shaped their behaviors. Awareness of these patterns is the first step to breaking free from them.
Behavioral analysis primarily belongs to the behaviorist school of thought, which focuses on understanding how environmental factors and learned associations shape our actions. A 2010 American Psychological Association (APA) study found that by examining past experiences and conditioning, behavioral analysts can trace the root causes of our behaviors. Individuals can introspectively investigate their thoughts and feelings associated with certain behaviors to identify potential triggers or underlying motivations.
3. They don't suppress their needs
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People-pleasers often suppress their desires to accommodate others, hoping this will lead to appreciation or reciprocation. When this doesn’t happen, they feel resentful and frustrated.
Identify your unmet needs and make them a priority. List them out, and take responsibility for fulfilling them.
4. They set boundaries
People-pleasers struggle to say no, fearing it will upset others or lead to rejection. This leaves them overextended and undervalued. You must learn how to express yourself fully, even if this means potentially upsetting others.
Learn to set and enforce boundaries. Saying no is not selfish. It’s necessary for protecting your energy and your self-respect.
Establishing clear limits in relationships or situations, defining where you end and someone else begins, is crucial for protecting your mental and emotional well-being. This ensures your needs are met and prevents overexertion or exploitation. A study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy concluded that this involves self-awareness, clear communication, and the ability to say no to maintain a healthy balance in your life.
5. They focus on being their most authentic selves
In trying to be everything to everyone, nice guys lose sight of who they are. They suppress their true opinions, interests, and desires to avoid conflict.
Focus on being yourself rather than always being so agreeable. Be willing to say what few others are saying. Be appropriately honest. Embrace your unique traits and stop worrying about pleasing everyone.
6. They don't let conflict hold them back
People-pleasers avoid conflict at all costs, believing it will damage relationships. However, avoiding conflict often leads to unresolved issues and passive-aggressive behavior.
Isn’t it interesting how you can have a guy in a terrible relationship, and he continues to do as he’s always done, and then wonders why things aren’t improving? It’s time to change that.
A 2018 APA study found this involves reframing conflict as a potential opportunity for growth, understanding that avoiding it can hinder progress, and developing coping mechanisms to manage the emotional discomfort associated with disagreements. This allows you to address issues constructively and move forward in your personal and professional life.
Have those uncomfortable conversations. Leave bad relationships. Own your choices and honor your needs first.
7. They don't repress anger
People-pleasers often repress anger because they view it as harmful or inappropriate. Over time, this can build up and lead to outbursts. The real solution here is to avoid building up resentment in the first place.
This comes from honoring your needs first. Those from whom you want respect are far more likely to give it to you when you express yourself with your true sense of self-love, not as a doormat.
8. They don't seek approval
Many people-pleasers place women on a pedestal, basing their self-worth on how they are perceived. This is bad behavior and does no one any favors. This creates an unhealthy dependency that pushes people away and loss of attraction.
A study published in Contemporary Educational Psychology found that not seeking approval is primarily tied to building a strong sense of self-worth and internal validation, where individuals rely on their judgment and values rather than external validation from others to feel good about themselves. This often stems from a desire to overcome the anxieties and insecurities of needing constant approval.
Focus on self-improvement and building confidence independently of romantic relationships. Healthy relationships stem from honoring each others’ needs — not neediness.
9. They overcome their fix-it mentality
People-pleasers often try to solve others’ problems to feel needed or appreciated, which can lead to frustration when their efforts go unnoticed. Recognize that you’re not responsible for fixing others.
The key thing here is their intention. Many people try to help to get something in return. Provide support as appropriate, but do it because you’re a good human, not because you secretly want stuff.
10. They know that on the other side of taking risks is freedom
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Transformation involves stepping outside your comfort zone, which people-pleasers often avoid out of fear of failure or rejection. You must develop a healthy acceptance of uncertainty.
Don’t be reckless, but take small, calculated risks often. Taking risks is also proven to raise testosterone.
11. They embrace all sides of themselves
Becoming an integrated person involves acknowledging and embracing one's strengths, ‘dark’ nature as well as the stuff they might not be proud of. It’s about being whole, not perfect. That’s a human.
Accept that you don’t need to be flawless to be valuable. Confidence comes from owning your entire self, including your imperfections.
Alex Mathers is a writer and coach who helps you build a money-making personal brand with your knowledge and skills while staying mentally resilient. He's the author of the Mastery Den newsletter, which helps people triple their productivity.