10 Phrases People Say When They Are 'Too Nice' And Lack Boundaries
It's never too late to stand up for yourself.
Andrii Nekrasov | Shutterstock Most people have a desire to be kind and considerate to others, not wanting to cross any lines. As such, they'll purposely stay silent or choose to not voice their concerns. Other times, they will use phrases people often say when they are too nice and lack boundaries.
But being unable to express their true feelings might lead to emotional suppression. Yet how can someone tell when a person is being way too nice? Most importantly, what common things do people say that show they lack a backbone?
Here are 10 phrases people often say when they are too nice and lack boundaries
1. 'I don't mind'
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It's okay to feel offended or cheated in a situation. When people push boundaries without a second thought, it isn't abnormal to think, "This just isn't fair." But backtracking isn't the way to go, as refusing to discuss one's feelings might cause misunderstandings and miscommunication in relationships.
This can create contempt as individuals slowly begin to grow increasingly resentful. And according to the Gottman Institute, it's dangerous; contempt is one of the four horsemen that lead to divorce, causing relationships to fall apart.
For people who are too nice and lack boundaries, it's best to be clear when communicating. Whether it's a friend, boss, or partner, being clear will establish boundaries, strengthen relationships, and decrease stress in the long run.
2. 'I don't want to upset anyone'
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When a person is too nice and lacks boundaries, they may often say, "I don't want to upset anyone." Most people-pleasers can't help but cater to other people's needs, but constantly caring about the opinions of others will run just about anyone dry.
In an ideal world, most people would understand the importance of boundaries and won't hesitate to establish them with others. Unfortunately, many allow the opinions of others to directly interfere with their own wants and desires. As a result, people grow into adults who secretly resent others. No longer feeling content in their own life, they spend a lot of time thinking about what ifs and regrets.
According to J. Kim Penberthy, a neurobehavioral scientist in University of Virginia's School of Medicine, regret is the worst negative emotion for humans, as it increases stress and impacts physical health. "Regret is a very real reaction to a disappointing event in your life, a choice you made that can't be changed, something you said that you can't take back. It's one of those feelings you can't seem to shake, a heavy and intrusive negative emotion that can last for minutes, days, years or even a lifetime," Penberthy said, before adding, "Imaging studies reveal that feelings of regret show increased activity in an area of the brain called the medial orbitofrontal cortex."
To avoid regret, people should live a life that makes them happy. Otherwise, the weight of their regret will only lead to more suffering and stress.
3. 'I can do it, no problem'
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We all have responsibilities, some that need to be taken care of in a short amount of time. But for some people, they may take on more than they can handle, all because they are too nice and lack boundaries. Feeling rushed, they may scramble to do their best while people-pleasing, making their lives stressful when a friend or co-worker approaches them to add more to their plate.
During situations like these, it's important to understand how to say no. When filled with a list of things to do, not knowing the limit can cause even the strongest people to crumble. "No" is a complete sentence; don't let people cross that boundary.
4. 'I can fit that into my schedule'
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When someone says they can fit another task into their schedule, if they lack proper boundaries and are too nice to stand up for themselves, they are doing themselves a disservice. Instead of someone acting like they can accommodate others' at the expense of their own mental health, it's better to be upfront with their needs.
A simple response like, "I'm far too busy to do that" benefits both parties more than simply ignoring the issue. Being upfront creates better communication and avoids misunderstandings. And this can prevent a relationship, whether personal or professional, from turning resentful.
5. 'I'm sorry, but...'
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When at a professional meeting, for example, it's easy to allow the pressures of expectations to feel intimidating. Feeling caught up in the moment, a person who is too nice might apologize before making a demand to soften the blow. Unfortunately, this might have the opposite effect and cause them to feel even worse.
One study published in Frontiers of Psychology found that saying sorry while intentionally rejecting someone leaves them feeling worse off. Not only that, it pressures them into forgiving the other person, leaving a bitter taste in their mouth.
To avoid this, a person can simply say, "Hey, I don't feel comfortable doing this." Though difficult, setting those boundaries and being upfront is the best way to build trust and prevent burnout.
6. 'I got it, don't worry about it'
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When someone says, "I got it," most people assume that they don't need help and move on with their day. However, if someone truly needs help, it can cause an unbelievable amount of stress. And this, in turn, can create anxiety and mental distress as the long list of responsibilities piles up and doesn't allow them to catch a break.
A study published in Clinical Psychological Science found that rumination and life stress can lead to both depression and anxiety. This is why people need to speak up if they're unsure if they can handle a task. Otherwise, it can lead to unneeded mental stress.
7. 'I guess that's okay'
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It might sound obvious, but being unsure isn't a good mental space to be in. Not only does saying, "I guess it's okay" sound unconfident, but it also confuses everyone involved. Most people want a direct yes or no answer. They don't like second-guessing and prefer knowing what to do rather than leaving room for errors or starting from scratch.
As a result, being upfront and saying, "That's not okay," saves time and energy for everyone. On top of that, it reinforces the other person's boundaries, allowing both people to know where they stand in the relationship.
8. 'I don't want to be a burden'
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Nobody likes to feel a burden to their loved ones. In an ideal world, everyone could be content without sacrificing their loved one's comfortability. However, refusing to acknowledge their needs isn't the proper way to handle a situation. Not only will it cause their resentment to increase, but it can lead to severe burnout.
A person who says, "I don't want to be a burden," is effectively disregarding their own feelings and emotions in favor of someone else's comfortability. They might refrain from doing the things that make them happy because they care too much about the opinions of others.
9. 'I'll do it myself'
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It's sad, but when someone says they'll do something themselves, they really say it out of frustration. Feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated, they take on more and more responsibilities to avoid being seen as difficult or over-dramatic.
This might lead to emotional suppression. According to research from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, emotional suppression leaves all the bad feelings while completely getting rid of any positive ones. Instead of being overly nice, people can be open and respectful while talking. Saying, "I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and could really use your help" conveys what is needed.
While it may be frustrating, this type of vulnerability allows individuals to express their feelings and enables the other person to adjust their behavior accordingly.
10. 'It's not a big deal'
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Most people know that when someone says, "It's not a big deal," it tends to be quite a big deal. But not wanting to be difficult, they will bury their emotions to avoid stirring the pot. This then leads to undermining their emotions as they're unsure of what's real and what's an overreaction.
According to Jennifer Gerlach LCSW, dismissing those emotions only intensifies them, preventing healing and connection from taking place. Says Gerlach, "Shame often leads us to believe we must be able to get over something. We might think we don't have the right to feel certain things, like anger, in a given situation. Similarly, we might judge others for their reactions. Yet, this shame adds but another layer of problems. Shame can lead to isolation. Isolation has the potential to postpone healing. We can become disconnected from ourselves and others."
It's best for people who lack boundaries and are overly nice to be upfront with how they feel. It might be difficult at first, but it can make room for honesty and understanding on both sides.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.