People Who Get Over Being Betrayed Do 7 Key Things Before They Forgive Someone
You can rebuild the relationship and still live happily ever after.
cottonbro studio | Pexels The experience of having someone you love step out on you feels horrible. Betrayals like cheating can be devastating and leave you unsure if the relationship can be saved. But before you can even consider it, follow the lead of people who recover from betrayal, and do these things before forgiving them.
While this advice is about infidelity in relationships, betrayal comes in many forms and this advice can work for many of them. It might not be easy, but it is possible to rebuild trust after they betrayed you. It's just a matter of understanding the steps to take.
People who get over betrayal do seven things before forgiving a partner
1. They commit to rebuilding trust
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Many people, after discovering their partner has cheated, are so angry about the infidelity they aren’t sure they can ever get over it.
The picture of their partner’s affair partner is always at the forefront of their mind. The movie of their partner being intimate with another person plays over and over, often to the point they can’t let it go. They have so many questions their partner can’t answer, and their self-esteem is blown.
Are you feeling this way? Probably, because you are reading this article, and I totally get it. I felt this way when I discovered my ex had cheated on me.
The question is, despite the images in your mind and the destruction of your self-esteem, can you see yourself forgiving your partner? Can you picture yourself staying with them even though they have hurt you so deeply?
You must have an answer to this question before you start down the road to heal your relationship. Results of a study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships showed If you aren’t fully committed to making it work, it won’t work. If you aren’t sure you can move on but would like to try, that is an answer too.
If you are clear in your mind that you are done, be done with them. Otherwise, certainly, take the next steps.
2. They make sure they are committed to doing the work
So many say they are going to fight for their relationship, they aren’t quitters, and they aren’t going to quit now. I always applaud a person who isn’t a quitter but, unfortunately, sometimes not being a quitter doesn’t work the way they hope it will.
To rebuild trust in a relationship, both members of the couple must be willing to do the work. Both must be willing to dig deep and make the effort, to work together towards healing their relationship. If one person is all in and the other isn’t, rebuilding trust won’t be possible, as suggested by an article in the Journal of Family Issues.
When my ex cheated on me, right away I was on the margins, and he and his affair partner were the priority. In his mind, he wanted to do the work and save our marriage, but he was already aligned with his affair partner and wasn’t able to move forward with me. While I fought it for a while, ultimately, I knew he wasn’t even remotely into fixing things so I moved on.
Ask your partner:
- Are they truly ready to do the work to rebuild trust?
- Are they committed to letting their affair partner go and moving forward with you as a couple?
- Are they working to make change?
If they are, then you are ready to take the next steps.
3. They ask the questions they need answered
You have lots of questions you would like answered.
- How the affair started
- Who is the person who cheated with your partner
- How often they met
- How long the affair was going on
- Why did they do it
These are all valid questions you might want answered. So ask them.
Many people, after it is discovered they cheated, actively want to rebuild trust and keep their relationship. Unfortunately, many struggle to have the tools to make it happen. Most specifically, many don’t want to discuss what happened but want to “let it go and move on.”
They are angry with themselves for what they have done and how they have hurt their spouses and they just don’t want to have to rehash what has happened. As a result, they aren’t willing to open up and answer their spouse's questions.
Unfortunately, sweeping what happened under the rug will not be acceptable to anyone who is asking questions. They want to know, and their partner not being willing to talk about it will not only shut down any progress toward healing, and cause more pain.
People who have been cheated need to understand what will happen if they have their questions answered. If they know the nitty gritty of what the affair looked like, the information will always be in their head, maybe preventing them from moving past what happened.
So, ask the questions you want answered but make sure the information you need is something helpful.
4. They know what they need to feel trust again
The Handbook of Social Psychology described trust as the key to every healthy relationship. Without it, a relationship has no hope of survival. For each person, trust looks like something else. It is important you know what you need to trust your partner and know your partner will be willing to do those things for you.
What kind of things might work for you to rebuild trust?
- Perhaps it's being able to have access to their phone.
- Perhaps it's knowing where they are at all times, at least for the foreseeable future.
- Perhaps it's confirmation they won’t have any contact with their affair partner.
- Perhaps it's even talking to the affair partner (something that I never recommend because the affair partner has no motivation to help you rebuild your relationship and will tell you things that could very well hinder your healing.).
Think about what you need from your partner to help you trust again. Even more importantly, will your partner be willing to give you those things?
5. They take care of themselves
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You might not be consciously aware of this but this has most likely done a lot of damage to your self-esteem.
- You might be asking what is wrong with you to make your person cheat on you.
- You might be asking yourself if it was your personality, body, or intimacy that made your person step out on you.
- You might be beating yourself up for not knowing something was going on.
The reality is your partner cheated and it's not because of anything wrong with you. Yes, something is going on in your relationship that gave your person the space to cheat on you, but it isn’t all your fault. There are two people in every relationship and both are responsible for making sure it stays healthy.
Now it is time to take care of yourself.
- Perhaps you need to spend more time with friends (not always processing what is going on but also doing things together that make you feel good).
- Perhaps it’s working out more, or taking regular walks.
- Perhaps you need to get away for a weekend, or for them to go away for the weekend so you can get your thoughts together.
You must take time during stress to take care of yourself so you can believe in yourself again and do the hard work ahead.
6. They seek interactive support, not social media
So many look to social media to find answers they need to understand why their partner cheated and how to get past it. Unfortunately, much of what they find won’t be helpful.
People who post on social media about infidelity in their relationship are often people who have not been able to heal. They are bitter and angry and are willing and eager to go on and on about their partner’s infidelity.
What you won't find are people who have successfully rebuilt trust after cheating. Why? Either they are happy in their relationship and don’t feel the need to share, or the algorithm is built to entertain, and far more people click on the rants than on happy posts that might be out there.
Another reason social media is a bad idea for finding solutions to cheating is everyone’s story is different. Everyone cheats for different reasons and everyone reacts differently to their partner cheating, as explored by an article in Marriage & Family Review. If you see someone ranting on about their cheating partner and how they did X, Y, and Z, you might be led to believe your partner did the same, even if they didn’t. That won’t help you with your relationship.
Instead, try to find a support group, one that involves give and take. Relying on one person’s emotionally edited version of what happened just won’t help. Through a back-and-forth conversation, you can get a fuller picture of what happened in another relationship and then compare it. This is exactly why you need to get good support.
Look for a support group online, or locally, where you can talk with other people about what happened and not be on the receiving end of someone’s vitriol.
7. They get some professional help, both individually and together
The idea of professional help is a yucky one. Spilling your dirty laundry to someone else can be embarrassing and humiliating. You might not have the time, or money, to make it happen and you are determined to go it alone.
Unfortunately, unless you have dealt with infidelity before and successfully come out the other side, you have no idea what you are doing. Neither you nor your partner have the skills you need to navigate this situation. Having someone there to guide you, whether a life coach or a therapist, will help you rebuild trust quickly.
Also, get individual help when dealing with infidelity. You will have a lot of anger and hurt to process and will need some help understanding and rebuilding your self-esteem. Your partner will need to come to an understanding of why they cheated and what they need to do going forward.
Your partner will likely push back big time on going to therapy. Many people are therapy adverse and just don’t want to deal, especially if they are humiliated by what happened. I would encourage you to make going to therapy or counseling a deal breaker. Again, you can’t do the work all by yourself, your partner needs to be willing to do the work as well.
Trying to rebuild trust after they cheated is a big job, but you can do it. If you are committed to making it happen and committed to taking the steps to move forward, you can rebuild your relationship and make it stronger for the future.
You can do it!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.