7 Questions That Will Change The Entire Trajectory Of Your Marriage, According To Psychology

There is a certain physics to relationships. The emotional momentum can be a force for good or bad on a relationship's trajectory. We can consider it as negative or positive momentum that propels us toward the future trajectory of our marriages.

Negative momentum is likely to direct your marriage on a collision course with divorce, while positive momentum will sustain a trajectory of comfort and contentment. If negative emotional momentum is driving your marriage, it might be time to change course.

Here are seven questions that will change the trajectory of your marriage:

1. Is my partner responsible for my emotions, or is that my responsibility?

Smiling man crosses arms and is ready to answer questions AYO Production via Shutterstock

"If I'm feeling anxious, it's easy to shift my focus to something my partner is doing to make me feel anxious. But that anxious feeling is my issue — and a signal I have something to work on.

Expecting other people to change to make us feel comfortable is completely normal in our culture — and also totally destructive to relationships," advises divorce mediator Jennifer Hargrave.

2. If you'd known what you know now, would you still have married your partner?

Worried couple looks at paparowrkj and wonders if they would still get married PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock

When counseling couples, therapist Gloria Brame has noticed, "It's a question that comes up often in therapy with couples who have serious conflicts over intimacy, life choices, and child-rearing.

"If you can answer yes, then there is huge hope you can overcome problems. If you know in your heart the answer is no, it's time to consider your options and prepare strategies to weather the conflicts or leave the relationship."

3. Do you feel at home in your home?

Comfortable couple cuddles on coach at home PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock

"If you feel comfortable in your surroundings and are free to express yourself at home with music, art, and food, you have something very valuable. Some tell me they are bored because there are not enough fireworks or excitement. Being comfortable in a relationship can even be healthy for you, 2017 esearch from The American Psychological Association found that people in secure relationships have a lower risk of heart disease," says dating coach Catherine Behan.

Behan continues, "I get that, but you can always take skydiving lessons or take an improv class if you want to get your adrenaline running. Be very careful what you define as boring. Living in peace with another person can be extremely fulfilling when you release that person from having the responsibility to supply the juice to get your heart beating. Having peace with your partner can truly bring passion to your life."

4. What are each other's timing preferences for communication?

Couple sit in a park to find a good time to talk about their relationship Mangostar

"If you think about it, you probably know the best time your partner is most open to communication and when they are unavailable. Share your timing preferences and commit to respecting them," life coach Deb Dutilh points out the importance of timing."

Research in the Journal of Marriage and Family suggests that open communication is a key factor in the success, duration, and satisfaction of relationships," explains Duluth.

The more satisfied people are in their relationship, the more likely they are to openly talk about their thoughts, feelings, concerns, and problems with one another. This connection underscores the value of your communication in the success of your relationship."

5. What's the most important thing to each of you?

Man gestured he doesn't know what is important to him Kateryna Onyshchuk via Shutterstock

Marriage counselor David McFadden recommends, "When you know your spouse is trying to make an important decision, ask them this question.

"Another way to ask it is, 'What do you want?' It's necessary to know their heart-felt answer to this question to understand your spouse’s thinking and needs. Asking it invites them to think through and talk about what they value most."

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6. Could you take the time to listen?

Couple on walk in nature take time to listen to each other Harbucks via Shutterstock

"Waiting to respond is powerful, especially when upset. When you're upset and triggered, your logic isn't functioning properly. You go into fight or flight mode, and your listening ability goes out the window," explains educator Anna Thea.

Thea expands on the idea, "The most valuable gift you can give someone you love is your presence and be there for them. Listen to them. Make sure you understand what they are trying to say. Stop being so fixed on your point of view, and clarify and verify with the other person what they want to tell you. Make them feel heard and understood, and you will open the door to having them experience the same."

7. Can you answer these questions for me?

Couple talk deeply about relationship to complete questionnaire Branislav Nenin via Shutterstock

Psychologist Randi Gunther explains, "Many couples, new and long-term, ask how to strengthen their relationship and how they can get to know each other more deeply and achieve more depth in their relationships. They are often eager to ignite a new relationship or reinvigorate one that feels stale."

If you want a better, closer relationship, Gunther advises you to complete statements like these:

Relationships work out because the partners ______.
Love is ______.
People fall in love because ______.
The most important qualities of great partners are ______.
Relationships fail because ______.
The most important lessons I’ve ever learned about relationships are ______.
The adjectives I’d use to describe the perfect relationship are ______.
In a relationship, I cannot do without ______.
The/ best attributes I bring to a relationship are ______.
I would end a relationship if ______.

Some questions you have to ask yourself, and other questions you need to ask your spouse, but all the questions will help both spouses feel safe and more secure in the course their marriage is heading.

By deeply considering the answers to these questions, a couple can redirect the negative emotional energy that gives momentum to the relationship. By changing the trajectory of their daily interactions, communication intention, and empathy, a couple can better ensure a safe and secure future.

Will Curtis is a writer and editor for YourTango. He's been featured on the Good Men Project and taught English abroad for ten years.