We've Been Married 80 Years — If You Recognize These 3 Things In Your Marriage, The Love Is Still Strong
Long-term love is not only possible, it's aspirational.
Odua Images | Canva Married on January 14th, 1930, Mitchell and Mattie Atkins of West Philadelphia were honored by family and friends at an anniversary party in 2010 celebrating an incredibly rare 80 years of marriage together. At the time, Mr. and Mrs. Atkins joined a very small but extraordinary group of couples who had celebrated an 80th wedding anniversary.
In 2021, Guinness World Records credited the longest-existing marriage in the United States to Eugene and Dolores Gladu, who were married on May 25, 1940. The longest recorded marriage, according to Guinness, was that of Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher, which lasted 86 years, 290 days before Herbert died in 2011.
What are the secrets these amazing married couples could reveal? And is it still possible for love to last a lifetime? Is love destined to fade? The answer is no. But there are things we can learn from those who have formed such a deep and lasting connection.
If you recognize these three things in your marriage, the love is still strong:
1. Attraction
The power of attraction is chemistry. It sets the relationship in motion and as Mr. Atkins so movingly relates, it can last a lifetime. Endorphins, the "feel good" hormones, are responsible for that first rush of excitement and pleasure. Known as the romantic love stage, this is the initial time chemistry is felt between the couple.
Once the relationship deepens, oxytocin, a hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter, known as the "cuddle hormone" is released helping form a bond and increased level of attachment to one another.
Derived from the Greek for "swift birth," oxytocin was most commonly known for its effect in three areas:
- The stimulation of breast milk
- The stimulation of uterine contractions during childbirth
- Maternal bonding
Produced by both males and females, oxytocin has the added benefit of producing feelings of security and contentment. It’s responsible for our feelings of calm and connection with our lover and is key to bonding.
Interestingly, oxytocin is unique in that the more that is released, the better the feelings and feedback, and these feelings, in turn, release more oxytocin.
So, is there a natural ebb and flow to romantic love? Well, with every positive, a negative is possible. Research also shows us that acute stress inhibits the release of oxytocin and does affect various feelings like empathy, trust, and generosity, threatening the bond we’ve developed.
The power of attraction is based mainly on chemistry. When we feel attracted to someone, our brains release hormones like dopamine, norepinephrine, and oxytocin, creating pleasure, excitement, and bonding.
These hormones trigger a chemical reaction within us that contributes to our perception of attraction. A 2021 study published in the Perspectives on Psychological Science found that while chemistry plays a significant role in initial attraction, long-term relationship success depends on compatibility, shared values, and communication.
However, this awareness provides us with the opportunity to stave off stress, and further deepen our bond because the theory is, that once oxytocin is released, one need only see one’s partner to release more oxytocin.
Its release is responsible for that warm feeling you get, just seeing your partner walk toward you with his or her special smile and gaze meant especially for you. Thus, the cycle is set in motion.
As more oxytocin is released, feelings become more intense, and subsequently more oxytocin is released, and so on until the bonding deepens.
2. Appreciation
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Long-term couples know instinctively the key to developing and maintaining a true connection: that couples should appreciate each other, every single day.
Along with actions such as establishing a regular date night for just the two of you, provide positive, verbal appreciation to your partner daily. A particularly effective way to show this is by saying, "I appreciate when you ______ because it makes me feel ______.
Take the time to thoughtfully consider how you would fill in the sentence so that it truly expresses the uniqueness of your partner and his or her place in your life and relationship. Therapist and relationship expert Dr. Terri Orbuch, PhD, found many benefits to expressing gratitude in a relationship.
She urged couples to not only verbalize their gratitude but also show it. While this can look different for everyone, Dr. Orbuch explained, "The key to showing gratitude to your partner is to see the world through their eyes."
3. Willingness to seek help
Romantic love does ebb and flow but as we see, using what we know of chemistry and its role in our feelings of bonding and connection, it’s in our control to help it flow the way that we want.
Keeping the romance within a relationship isn’t always simple; we’re all pulled in a dozen different directions each day.
It is possible though to learn to affair-proof your marriage, learn communication skills, develop tools to resolve conflict, create intimacy and passion, and much more. A tip: if you find yourself attracted to someone else, consider it a wake-up call!
And if you’re just starting on the fantastic journey that’s marriage, consider pre-marital therapy. A wedding is exciting, no doubt, but it’s also a time ripe for conflict.
A 2021 study published in Frontiers in Sociology explored the barriers and facilitators to seeking help from a partner. It focused on factors influencing whether someone will seek support, including perceived relationship quality, fear of vulnerability, gender roles, communication styles, and the partner's perceived ability to help.
As a wedding present to yourselves, seek help from a therapist specializing in pre-marital therapy who can help you with complex relationship issues like lifestyle expectations, personal issues and habits, problem-solving, religion and values, intimacy, finances, and more.
Lastly, no matter whether you’ve been married a month, a year, or a decade, keep in mind perhaps the most eloquent words spoken by Mattie at the end of their anniversary party: "Love, love, love each other. It’s beautiful — beautiful to be old and still be in love at our age."
Mary Kay Cocharo is a licensed marriage and family therapist in a private practice in West Los Angeles, California.